Enter My Mind...

Caught in the Hands of Fate: 17/?

2009-10-29T11:47:22Z

Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: kazminka
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
Previous Chapters: Found Here

-~*~-
Chapter Seventeen:
Everything Falls into Place
-~*~-

When Jensen opens his eyes he struggles to pull himself into awareness and the first thing he notices is the sun shining and a warmth pressed tightly to his back, like a heavy blanket that you can’t help but want to snuggle into. It has been such a long time since he has woken up to this, Jared’s mile long limbs wrapped around him, that reassuring warmth seeping into his back, and he can’t help but lay there longer than planned and soak it all in.

He never realized how much he missed it until this very moment, wrapped comfortably in Jared’s arms once more, and he can admit he is afraid of losing it again. He keeps having to remind himself that Jared’s back and he is here to stay, or so Jared keeps trying to assure him. Jensen still has his doubts and insecurities concerning the matter but he is doing his best to push them to the background and give him and Jared the second chance he has wanted since the night Jared left.

Jensen closes his eyes again and leans back into his boyfriend’s embrace, entwining their fingers carefully, trying not to wake the other man. He can’t stop the smile that forms on his face, however, when he feels the tender kiss placed at the nape of his neck. So much for letting him sleep, Jensen thinks fondly to himself as he turns over in Jared’s arms and smiles his good morning. The smile he gets in return is sleepy and lazy; it would look goofy if it weren’t so adorable.

“Hmmm, hey…” Jared drawls lazily as he stretches languidly, pressing closer to Jensen in the process.

“Hey yourself,” Jensen whispers back, looking upon his sleepy lover with soft eyes, taking in the sight of a sleep tussled Jared like it is a work of art.

“Did you sleep well?” Jared’s voice lowers to a mere whisper, keeping the conversation sensual and intimate.

Jensen nods his head before answering verbally, “Better than I have in quite a while actually.”

Jared’s answering smile is soft yet remorseful, regretful of the decisions he has made in the past that has driven such a wedge between them. Jensen feels bad about bringing the issue up, even if unconsciously, and he buries his face into the crook of Jared’s neck as though trying to hide from it. He really wants them to be able to move beyond this, put it in their past and try to regain what they lost along the way, but he realizes just how tough that is going to be.

They have a long way to go before Jensen will trust Jared like he once did, or at least trust him as much as he can learn to. He still isn’t sure he will be able to trust him completely, Jared managed to hurt him more than anyone else ever has and it has left a scar on his heart. He has to hope will fade with time though. He is willing to take Jared back after everything he put him through, is willing to give them one last chance, so that has to count for something. At the very least he considers it to be one small step in the right direction.

He loves Jared, he really does, and everyone knows this, but he must admit he is a little afraid to give his heart over again like he once did. His first instinct is to guard it with everything in his being, not let Jared in completely, not let him close enough that Jensen is in danger of being hurt again. He doesn’t like it and he wants to push past this defense mechanism, but he isn’t quite sure how to do that yet.

Jensen sighs in contentment when Jared tightens his arm around him, tucking him in closer to the warmth of his body, and makes his best attempt at pushing all discouraging thoughts from his mind. Jared is here now, loves him and says he has no plans of leaving again, and Jensen has to believe that is enough to get them through this. Who knows, maybe this whole experience will make them stronger in the end, strengthen the bond they have managed to create and then nothing will be able to break them apart.

Jensen allows Jared to tilt his head up when he feels his boyfriend’s hand on his jaw and welcomes the pair of lips that descend upon his. It is the first kiss they have shared in quite some time and Jensen finds himself near melting into it, opening his mouth when Jared asks for entrance and almost moaning when their tongues twine together. Jared’s right hand rests casually along Jensen’s jaw line, guiding his head to different angles when he feels like deepening the kiss, and Jensen is more than happy to let him do with him what he will.

Jensen draws Jared’s bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth, biting down on it gently, more like a nip, and brings forth a deep guttural groan from the shaggy haired man. Jensen’s lip turn upwards into a smile against Jared’s mouth, pleased with himself, before pressing back into the kiss with something akin to desperation, sucking Jared‘s tongue into his mouth, breathing harshly through his nose.

Jared moans his appreciation, sliding his hand up Jensen’s back to rest at the back of his head, fingers spread wide, cradling his skull. The passionate, bordering on violent kiss tones down considerably fast however, and leaves their lips sliding together languidly. Jensen has always had a weak spot for lazy kisses such as this one, where their lips simply rest against each other, moving sensually every now and then, but they are mostly just sharing breath.

Jensen pulls back a fraction after a moment and his eyes slide open to find a set of soulful hazel assessing him openly, a hint of a soft smile in their depths. He simply stares back, not flinching away or letting his shy nature get the best of him, and they lie there for an unknown amount of time just drinking in the sight of one another.

:0Ж0:

Jensen comes back from the bathroom after changing into some clean clothes and doing his usual morning routine, flopping down onto his desk chair and placing a pair of black shoes on his feet. He didn’t bother with putting his contacts back in this morning, eyes irritated and achy after accidentally falling asleep with them in, so he opted to wear his glasses today. It is kind of strange to wear them again since he has gotten into the habit of wearing his contacts almost religiously, but the weight of his glasses are familiar and comfortable and he could easily fall back into the habit of wearing them if he wanted to.

Once he is finished tying his shoes he leans back in his chair, arm thrown over the back and wrapping around the edge, and he watches Jared silently. Jared is lying on his stomach on Jensen’s bed with his upper torso propped up by his elbows as he flips through a magazine. He lifts his eyes after a moment, obviously having felt the weight of Jensen’s stare upon him, and looks up at Jensen through the fringe of his bangs. He cocks his head to the side, reminding Jensen of a curious puppy, and Jensen can’t stop himself from snickering at the comparison.

Jared raises an eyebrow, his expression a cross between amused and bewildered, and Jensen simply shakes his head and mouths “You don’t want to know,” as a smile pulls at his lips. Jared doesn’t question him on this, simply pulls himself from the bed and wanders over to where Jensen sits slouched comfortably in his chair. He leans down the moment he reaches him and presses a kiss to Jensen’s lips. Jensen hums in approval against Jared’s mouth, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and drawing him impossibly closer.

Jared pulls away sooner than Jensen would have liked, but he lets the shaggy haired man go without any complaints and pastes a smile on his face. Jared sits down on the edge of Jensen’s bed, elbows resting on his knees, and locks his hazel eyes with the jade green of Jensen’s.

“So, you have plans for today?” Jared asks after a brief moment of silence, looking honestly curious. “You don’t have to work or anything, do you?”

“No, I’m scheduled for tomorrow, I get today off. Why do you ask?”

“Well, besides going back to Chris and Steve’s to change my clothes I have to call my mom and there’s something I have to set up, but I was wondering if you wanted to do something after I’m done,” Jared suggests, looking unsure and a bit nervous, blatantly afraid of Jensen’s rejection. “We don’t necessarily have to do anything… I just thought it’d be nice to spend the day together.”

Jensen is silent for a moment, contemplating the idea, and then he gives a slow nod of his head. “Sure, that sounds great, actually,” A radiant smile crawls onto Jared’s face, dimples prominent by how wide his lips are stretching, and Jensen finds it hard to keep from smiling as well. “There a specific time you had in mind?”

“How ‘bout I come by somewhere between five and six? Would that be okay? I could bring some dinner with me.”

Jensen almost chuckles because of how nervous and unsure Jared sounds, like he is trying his damnedest to get Jensen to agree but trying not to push too much at the same time. It is kind of endearing to Jensen, even though it has the potential to get old rather quick. It shows that Jared is honestly trying though, and is afraid of screwing things up. Knowing that Jared cares, being able to see that he wants to make this work between them, gives Jensen a bit of hope that everything will eventually be okay again.

“Yeah, sounds like a plan to me,” Jensen says, nodding his head as though to confirm this, and then he stands up.

“Okay, great…” Jared trails off as he rises to his feet and stands in front of Jensen, looking as though he doesn’t know what to do now and the air grows awkward between them as they each grapple for something to say.

The door to the room suddenly opens and it makes both of them jump, startling them out of their awkward moment. Will enters the room, looking at them in turn, appearing unsure as to whether he should stay or quickly back out the way he came. Jensen comes to his senses and motions Will into the room, indicating that it is safe. Will releases an audible sigh of relief, relaxing immediately, and proceeds towards his side of the room.

Jensen watches as Jared follows Will with his eyes and it is obvious that he doesn’t know what to think of Jensen’s roommate just yet. Jensen almost wants to roll his eyes because he can clearly see a hint of jealousy on Jared’s face and he has stepped an inch closer to Jensen, like he is staking his claim and making sure there are no misunderstandings. Will meets Jared’s stare with a confused expression, turning to regard Jensen with “what the fuck?” obvious on his face.

“Jared, this is my roommate Will,” Jensen quickly introduces them before turning toward Will. “You staying with your girl again tonight?”

Will nods his head. “It’s a regular occurrence for me to stay at Bethany’s these days, I should just move in and be done with it,” he chuckles, flushing a bright red. “But yeah, the room is all yours tonight, as usual.”

Jared relaxes beside Jensen now that he knows Will isn’t going to be competition. Jensen thinks that is rather ridiculous, not every guy he meets wants in his pants after all, but Jared is going to think how he wants and nothing Jensen can do will stop that. He is just glad his boyfriend has calmed down now and gotten over his bout of jealousy. It was completely unfounded and definitely not appreciated.

“Yeah, it probably wouldn’t hurt to make that step, since you’re practically living together anyway.” Jensen responds with a soft laugh of his own, watching Jared as the shaggy-haired man pulls out his cell phone and calls for a cab.

“But then again, it doesn’t really hurt that I hold onto the room, does it? I mean, this way you basically have your own room instead of being stuck with a roommate you can barely tolerate,” Will points out with a twinkle in his eye. “So, ya see, I’m doing you a favor.”

Jensen’s attention is drawn to his boyfriend when he snaps his phone closed, motioning to the door with his hand. Jensen smiles at his roommate before following Jared to the door. Will waves goodbye, a little unsure because of his and Jared’s first meeting, but Jared waves back easily with a friendly smile fixed firmly in place. Jensen tells his roomie that he will be right back and then he shuts the door behind him.

He can’t help the startled expression that crosses his features when Jared takes his hand in his own. His eyes are drawn down to their entwined fingers and he simply stares at them in fascinated wonder for a moment before sliding his eyes up to Jared’s. He really is making an effort, Jensen acknowledges with a growing smile. Maybe things will work out between us after all.

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand, tossing a soft smile at him to show how much he appreciates this small gesture. If Jared is willing to do what it takes to make their relationship work this time around, well then Jensen can make the attempt to let the past go and give Jared a second chance. He is still hurt by what Jared did, will need time to regain his trust in the hazel-eyed man, but he can forgive and try to forget. He still loves Jared, with all his heart, so he figures he owes it to himself to take the chance. It is a risk, he could get hurt again, but it also may work out this time, and that is the reason he is reluctant to let the opportunity pass him by.

Jensen and Jared walk hand in hand out to the sidewalk to wait for Jared’s cab to show, sitting down on a bench in front of the campus. They sit side by side with virtually no space between them, thigh against thigh and shoulder pressed to shoulder. Jensen does nothing to hide the smile on his face, beaming brightly for Jared and the whole world to see. Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand reassuringly from where their hands rest against their thighs, fingers entwined.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Merry Christmas Jen.” Jared speaks up suddenly, bright smile lighting up his face as he turns joyful eyes on Jensen.

Jensen’s eyes widen with recognition, he had forgotten all about what day it was. So much has been going on these past couple of days that he has lost track. He can’t help it when a small, pleased smile climbs onto his face though. “Merry Christmas Jay,” he responds in kind, soft eyes trained on the taller man.

Jared looks up, hope in his eyes before glancing away to hide his suddenly troubled expression. “I’m sorry, Jen, for screwing up so bad.”

“Hey now, none of that,” Jensen uses his free hand to grasp Jared’s chin and force him to meet his eyes. “We’re starting over here, letting go of the past and giving this a second chance. How’re we supposed to do that when you say you’re sorry all the time?” His tone is light, almost teasing, but they both know he means every word.

“I know I sound like a broken record by now, but… I’m just so fuckin’ sorry, for everything I’ve put you through,” Jared sighs and turns his eyes to stare down at their hands, lightly running his thumb across the skin of Jensen’s left hand. “I’m so happy you’re giving me another chance, ‘cause I know I don’t deserve it, and I can’t tell you enough how happy I am to have you back… I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, I’m so damn ashamed of what I’ve done. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you but that is exactly what I did and I can’t take it back no matter how much I wish I could.”

“True, you can’t take it back… but you can make it up to me,” Jensen tells him quietly, smiling as reassuringly as he can. He is hurt by what Jared did but he doesn’t want him to beat himself up about it like this. Despite everything, Jared is a good person and he doesn’t deserve to carry this weight upon his shoulders forever.

“I will make it up to you, Jen. If it takes me my whole damn life I don’t care, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you,” Jared says firmly, resolutely. “I’ll be the boyfriend you deserve this time.”

Jensen is taken off guard when Jared suddenly pulls him into his arms, right there in front of the college campus, for everyone to see. Even he wasn’t expecting Jared to make such big steps, not so soon anyway. He is happy of course, just a little shocked. It is a pleasant surprise and he sincerely hopes Jared keeps this up because he could definitely get used to this treatment.

Jensen simply holds tightly to Jared, not wanting to let go, and closes his eyes happily when Jared buries his face in the crook of his neck. He idly runs the fingers of his right hand through Jared’s shaggy hair, loving the feel of the soft strands slipping through his fingers like a caress. Jared grasps onto Jensen like he will slip away if he loosens his hold and Jensen is struck by the desperation he can detect in the tension of his boyfriend’s body. He rubs his left hand up and down Jared’s back in a consoling fashion while whispering soothing words, trying to reassure his boyfriend, calm him down.

Jared pulls away only once his cab shows up and smiles a bit sheepishly as they both rise to their feet. Jared toes the ground self-consciously for a moment, looking unsure of himself, and then he takes a step towards Jensen. He frames Jensen’s face with those big paws of his and leans in slowly, capturing Jensen’s lips in a soft yet hesitant kiss. It doesn’t last very long, and their lips only brush together lightly and briefly like butterfly wings, but it is a bolder move than Jensen was expecting and he is grateful for the effort Jared is making.

Jared’s smile is more genuine and happy when he pulls back and there is practically a bounce to his step as he approaches his awaiting cab. Jensen watches in amusement, his boyfriend’s actions once again reminding him of those of an eager puppy. Jared pulls his long limbs into the backseat of the cab and turns to look at Jensen from the window. Jensen gives a little wave when the cab pulls away from the curb and is left standing there to watch until it disappears from view.

:0Ж0:

“Okay, so tell me, how is it that I got suckered into doing this with you?” Chris grumbles as they enter the air conditioned mall.

“Because Sophia is spending Christmas with her folks and you were the only one I could count on to go last minute shopping with me.” Jensen answers with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders as he eyes the shops as they walk past.

“Not true, I’m sure Steve would’ve been more than happy to do this with you. So, I ask again, why am I here?” Chris crosses his arms over his chest and gives Jensen a scowl as he reluctantly follows him alongside the row of shops lining the upper level of the mall.

Jensen heaves a heavy sigh and gives his friend a suffering stare. He should have known Chris wouldn’t do this for him without bitching and complaining the whole time. He’s like a petulant child, Jensen thinks to himself, half out of amusement and half out of annoyance.

“Come on Chris, I really need your help, okay? I need to find something for Jared for Christmas and I could really use your opinion. I know I’d usually ask Sophia to help me with things like this, but she isn’t here right now and I’m kind of out of options.” Jensen sighs and gives his friend a pleading look.

Chris rolls his eyes. “Fine, whatever, I’ll help ya if it means that much to you.”

Jensen nods his head, smiling his gratitude, and then proceeds to drag Chris into a decent sized store. He isn’t quite sure what to get Jared for Christmas; he wants his gift to hold meaning but he has no idea as of yet what that is going to be. Clothes and CDs and movies seem too impersonal and besides, Jared could get those any day of the week if he chose to.

:0Ж0:

Jensen feels like crying out in frustration when three whole hours go by and he still hasn’t even an inkling of what to get Jared. He drops down onto the nearest bench and covers his face wearily with the palms of his hands. He can feel Chris plop down beside him, can feel the reciprocated frustration coming off his friend in waves, but he doesn’t lift his head to acknowledge him.

“Look son, I think you’re going about this whole gift idea the wrong way, and you’re thinking way too hard on this. I think the kind of gift you’re looking for can’t be bought in any store, at least not the heart of it anyway. You should go for something simpler but heartfelt at the same time,” Chris suggests, nudging Jensen in the side to grab his full attention.

“Yeah, and what would you suggest?” Jensen sighs, looking up at his friend tiredly.

“I dunno…” Chris appears uncomfortable at the emotional topic but trudges onward regardless. “You could make him a mix tape of all the songs that remind you of him, or of all the songs you can remember that were playing at memorable moments. You could also make a scrapbook of photos taken of the two of ya. Or you could write him a song and frame it.”

Jensen is silent for a moment as he mulls these ideas over in his head, and the more he thinks about them the more appealing they sound. Jared really isn’t a hard person to please, and a mix tape or a scrapbook would mean more to him than anything Jensen could find at any store. Sure, Jensen can’t help but blush at the thought of giving such a meaningful thing to Jared, is a little nervous about Jared’s reaction, but he really likes the idea.

“You know, they are actually really good ideas,” Jensen says slowly, voice full of wonder and excitement.

“Of course they are,” Chris nods his head, smug smile firmly in place. “I know what I’m talking about.” He shrugs nonchalantly, but the smug grin remains on his face.

“Would you mind helping me put something together?” Jensen asks hopefully. “I know that isn’t really your thing, and I’d ask Steve but I’m kinda running short on time right now.”

Chris gives a long suffering sigh, scowling at Jensen even as he nods his head. “Alright, I can help you, but don’t tell anyone ‘cause then they’ll think I’ve gone soft.”

Jensen chuckles, giving a slight shake of his head, and leveling a mock-serious stare on his friend. “Your secret’s safe with me. Your manly status will still be intact after you help me.”

“Shut up, dweeb,” Chris rolls his eyes as they stand up and gives a little shove to Jensen’s shoulder, making him laugh heartily. “So, what exactly are you going to do for the friendly giant?”

“I like that scrapbook idea you came up with. I have enough pictures that I managed not to burn that would work great for it.” Jensen blushes slightly as he says this. The thought had crossed his mind, burning the pictures of him and Jared, but in the end he just couldn’t do it. A large part of him had always been holding onto Jared and he just couldn’t bear the thought of losing those memories they made together.

“I know I haven’t said it yet but I’m glad you and Jay worked things out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll beat him to within an inch of his life if he hurts you again, but I really am glad to see you two together,” Chris says sincerely, a soft smile playing on his lips. “He makes you smile, really smile, not the fake one you threw around when you were with that Justin guy. I haven’t seen you this happy in months and it’s a damn good sight son.”

“I am happy,” Jensen speaks softly, mostly to himself, surprised to find that it is true. “I’m still not sure it’s going to work out for us, but I’m willing to take the chance if he is, ya know? I’d probably regret it if I didn’t.”

“There ain’t no ‘probably’ about it son, you would regret it and you know it,” Chris laughs as he throws and arm around Jensen’s shoulder and guides him towards the mall exit. “You’ve had it bad for that boy since day one and I don’t see that likely to change any time soon.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Jensen responds sourly, though the smile lighting up his face and the laughter on the edge of his lips belies his words. “You’re right, I’ve been enamored with him from the moment I laid eyes on him.”

“Son, you worry me. Who says words like ‘enamored’ in normal conversation?” Chris rolls his eyes and Jensen can’t help the laughter that rushes out of him like a dam bursting.

“Shut up! Quit picking on me or I’ll tell everyone about the big softy you really are inside,” Jensen warns, more amusement coloring his tone than any real threat.

“Whatever,” Chris responds, waving a hand dismissively, “Let’s just get this done so I can spend some time with my boy on Christmas, okay?”

Jensen doesn’t answer verbally, just nods his head and allows Chris to guide him toward his truck. They make a stop at Wal-Mart so Jensen can buy a scrapbook and some wrapping paper before heading to the dorm with just enough time to get everything ready before Jared shows up.

:0Ж0:

Jensen assesses his appearance in the mirror, eyes roaming over his reflection critically. The sleeves of his white shirt reach past the middle of his hands, the texture soft and thin. He grabs his gray and white plaid button down shirt and places it over the long-sleeved one he is currently wearing, a pleased smile crossing his features at the nice combination this makes. The blue jeans he decided to wear are fairly new, only a couple of months old, and fit snugly to his hips, accentuating his ass. He is sure Jared will take notice and that is really what he wants to achieve.

Heading into the bathroom, he grabs his bottle of hair gel and pours some into the palm of his hand before running it through his hair, styling it just the way he wants it. He just recently got a hair cut, it grew too long during the listless months after Jared left him and now it has returned to the shorter crop that it was when he first moved to California. He leaves his bangs hanging over his forehead, styled in a purposefully lazy fashion.

He trades his glasses for his contacts before leaving the bathroom and switches on his one-disc portable stereo as he passes it. The sounds of Garth Brooks fills the silence as Jensen takes a seat on his bed, one leg tucked underneath him, and pulls out his journal. It has been a while since he has written an entry and, now that he has a little time to spare, he figures it would be a good time to make one before Jared arrives.

December 25th, 2000

I still can’t believe all that has happened in only the matter of three months. Jared and I are back together. I’m still finding it a little hard to believe, I had truly believed what we had was over and done with, I never thought we could get it back. But, here we are. I hope to God it lasts this time but I can’t deny having my doubts and fears. He says he loves me, and I believe him, but I can’t help being afraid, waiting for the day he decides it’s not worth it, we’re not worth it, and breaks up with me again. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t be so insecure, but I can’t help it. He hurt me once, who’s to say he won’t do it again?

I may have my doubts but that doesn’t mean I’m about to give up on him just yet. He has honestly made the effort to give me what I need in this relationship. He has held my hand and kissed me in public, and I know how big of a step that is for him, so I know he is trying. I really can’t ask any more of him. The fact that he is making the effort shows how much he does in fact care about me so that alone is enough for me to take one last chance on him.

Besides all that, today is obviously Christmas… our first one spent together. It is kind of last minute, since we only just got back together last night, but I plan to make it as memorable as I possibly can. I was glad to see Wal-Mart was still open otherwise I would have been pretty much screwed. I think Jared will like his present… well, I hope he will, anyway.

I still haven’t told Mack that he and I are back together but I know I’m gonna have to make that call pretty soon because she will want to know. I have to find time to call her today anyway, to wish her a Merry Christmas so I guess I will just tell her then. I know she will be happy to hear the good news but I can also expect her to threaten bodily harm to Jared should he hurt me again. Overprotective little sisters are great! God I miss her, I‘ll have to-

Jensen closes his notebook mid-sentence when a knock sounds at the door and immediately butterflies start fluttering their wings in the pit of his stomach. He tells himself to stop being stupid and acting like a teenage girl over Jared as he stands up to let the taller man in. Jared greets him with a bright smile and a plastic bag filled with containers of home cooked food. Jensen hadn’t been expecting Jared to cook for him so this is definitely a pleasant surprise.

He motions Jared inside and takes the bags off his hands, placing them on his computer desk. Jared takes a seat at the end of his bed, looking for all the world like he belongs there, and fixes his hazel eyes on Jensen as Jensen takes the food out of the bags. Jensen flushes under the close scrutiny but hides his face from Jared’s view, using the food as his excuse. Jared doesn’t say anything, just contents himself with watching every move Jensen makes.

“This looks really good Jared,” Jensen says as he looks at the meal in front of him - pot roast, baked potatoes and carrots.

“It’s nothing special.” Jared blushes at the compliment, sliding his eyes away from Jensen’s bashfully.

“Yeah, it really is,” Jensen counters with a smile. “How did you find the time to make it?”

“I started making it the moment I got home… I just thought you’d like some real food instead of take-out, and I remembered how much you liked it the last time I cooked for you, so… I just thought it’d make you happy.” Jared shrugs self-consciously, picking at a loose thread on the hem of his pale blue and white sweater.

“I am happy,” Jensen says reassuringly as he drops to his knees in front of Jared and takes his face between his palms, whispering, “Thanks for doing this for me Jay, I know how much work you put into it.”

“You’re welcome,” Jared whispers back before Jensen’s lips take possession of his mouth, kissing him softly and gently, not adding much pressure but still managing to feel breathless once they part.

“I got ya something,” Jensen says as he stands up and moves to the side of his bed, pulling out Jared’s gift from beneath it.

“You didn’t have to get me anything Jen, I’m just happy to be here with you,” Jared protests lightly even as he takes the present from Jensen’s hands.

“Just shut up and open it,” Jensen scolds with a smile as he takes a seat next to Jared on the bed, watching him nervously for his reaction.

Jared slowly removes the wrapping paper, treating it with great care as though it were a fragile antique rather than a gift. Jensen watches in amused anticipation, getting a little irritated because of the nerves assailing him. Come on already, Jensen urges in his mind, wringing his hands nervously.

When Jared finally sets the wrapping paper aside, his eyes scan over the light brown surface of the scrapbook and his mouth falls open when he turns the cover. His wide, expressive eyes scan over the contents of the first page, each photograph taking him back in time. Jensen leans into him to see the picture that has captured his attention. Tom is glaring at Mike who is trying to climb him like a monkey and Jensen is smiling widely at the camera while Jared’s eyes are glued to him, a soft fondness in his eyes that the camera brought into startling clarity.

“You really shocked me when you told me you’d never been to Disneyland.” Jared lifts his eyes and locks them with Jensen’s.

“Yeah, well, you hid it nicely, thank you.” Jensen smiles.

“I remember the look on the tourist’s face who took the picture for us,” Jared laughs at the memory. “I think he was a little afraid of Mike.”

“That man is an acquired taste,” Jensen agrees with a nod of his head. “I wouldn’t have him any other way though.”

“I remember when this was taken,” Jared points to a photo of them sitting on a blanket, Jared’s arms wrapped around him as he leans back against his chest, identical smiles of joy pasted on their faces, the blue ocean in the background.

Jensen nods his head, smiling softly at the fond memory. “The weekend of my birthday, at Sophia’s family beach house. That was the best weekend of my life.”

“We made love for the first time at that house,” Jared says, his eyes alight with warmth and his smile soft, reminiscent.

Jared flips through the pages, stopping every now and then to gaze at a photo for a moment or two before moving on. “This is amazing Jen,” Jared breathes once he reaches the last picture and turns to face Jensen, eyes bright with emotion. “Thank you, I love it.”

Jensen’s smile is shy as he says, “I’m glad you like it. There’s enough room for you to add more pictures, as you can see… anything you find worth remembering.”

“Every minute with you is worth remembering,” Jared whispers as he takes hold of Jensen’s hand and entwines their fingers.

Jensen snickers at this. “Could you be any cheesier Jay?”

“Don’t tempt me, you’ll wind up seeing how cheesy I can get,” Jared threatens with a laugh and then he pulls something out of his pocket. “I couldn’t get you anything for Christmas ‘cause I was a dumb-ass and waited till the last minute, but I hope you like this.”

Jensen opens his hand and Jared places a watch in the center of his palm. It is just a simple silver watch, but it is old and Jensen can tell there is sentimental value to it by the look in Jared’s eyes. He allows his boyfriend to take the watch from him and place it on his right wrist.

“I know it’s probably not what you were expecting as a Christmas gift, being old and all, but it was my grandfather’s and it means a lot to me,” Jared says as he snaps the clasp into place and runs his fingers over Jensen’s wrist in a soft caress.

“No, this is great Jared, honestly. But… are you sure you want me to have it? I mean, it was your grandfather’s. It was given to you, and you love it, you should keep it.” Jensen gives Jared an unsure look.

“I want you to have it,” Jared responds firmly. “You’re special to me and I want you to have something that means a lot to me, I know you’ll take good care of it.”

“Of course, I’ll treasure it like I do my ring,” Jensen replies, running his thumb over the ring in question, remembering the night Jared gave it to him.

“Also, I called my mom after I left this morning and got her to book us a flight to Texas. I thought we could spend New Years in San Antonio, I hope you don’t mind. She thinks we’re just friends, for the time being, but I’d really like you to meet my family. While we’re there, at some point I want to tell them about me, about us, but I really need you there for that. I’ll need your support,” Jared says this with fear, but has silent determination in his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Jensen asks carefully. “And I thought you couldn’t afford to go home this year.”

Jared nods his head. “It’s time; I’ve held off long enough, and my parents need to know. Besides, I’d really like them to know who I love. I’m not ashamed of you, Jen, and I don’t want you thinking that I am. Also, my parents are lending me the money, I’ll pay them back when I can. I really don’t want to wait or put this on hold lest I lose my nerve.”

“Okay,” Jensen says softly, giving Jared a reassuring smile. “I’ll be right there beside you when you tell them.”

The smile that grows on Jared’s face is bright and grateful and Jensen happily allows himself to be pulled into a tight embrace. He holds onto Jared just as tightly, closing his eyes with a soft sigh of contentment. He is a little shocked by this turn of events; Jared is going to tell his parents about them, but he honestly couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to be falling into place, just the way it was supposed to be from the very beginning, and he is feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. Better late than never, he thinks to himself before clearing his mind of all thoughts as Jared’s lips find his.

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes, one life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be
The person that I am today

-~*~-
~~Next Chapter~~
-~*~-

Lyrics:
So Far Away - Staind

Left Behind: Master Post

2009-10-08T10:55:23Z

Title: Left Behind
Author: dying_sacrifice
Art: apieceofcake
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Nothing good lasts forever, even though we all wish it could.

Left Behind

Love Your Memory

Whatever it Takes

Soul Snatcher: Master Post

2009-10-08T10:53:23Z

Title: Soul Snatcher
Author: dying_sacrifice
Art: apieceofcake
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rated: R *Just to be safe*
Genre: Drama, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: A heated argument forces the brothers to go their own separate ways, but an unfortunate circumstance brings them back together.

Leaving This Behind

Whatever it Takes

Heart to Heart

Hanging By a Moment

Shadow of the Day

Hero

Sorry

Lost in This Moment

New Community

2009-10-03T02:16:43Z

Hello f-list!

So this is what's going on... me, (winchester84) and (wickedtragedy) just started a new community chrisjensteve, which is of course a comm for Chris/Jensen/Steve, Jensen/Chris, Jensen/Steve & Chris/Steve slash fiction, icons, pics, etc. We'd love for you to check it out and post there if you'd like.

The main reason for my post is 1. to draw members lol. and 2. I'm wondering if any of you know who I could get to make a header for the community? If you know of anyone could you please let me know?

So yeah, other than that go check out the community and see if it's a place you'd like to post your fanfic, icons, etc. We'd love to see you there! :)

Follow You Home: 2/?

2009-09-30T01:03:11Z

Title: Follow You Home
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: apieceofcake
Fandom: SPN/RPS Crossover
Pairing: Dean/Jensen
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: This is the sequel to Divided We Fall - After making the biggest mistake of his life Dean knows he needs to set things right, but will that be as easy as it sounds?
Previous Chapters: Found Here

-~*~-
Chapter Two:
Winter in my Heart
-~*~-

After taking the photos of a couple of pimply teens, a family of four with rambunctious kids and a girl that couldn’t stop blushing and giggling at him long enough to take a decent picture Jensen is allowed his thirty minute lunch break. It couldn’t have come any sooner either, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand it. He usually loves photography and everything about it, but today hasn’t particularly been a good one and he was afraid if he didn’t step away from the camera he may have ended up throwing it at the wall in frustration.

He leaves Mike to deal with two teenage girls and quickly makes his way to the second floor of the mall, heading into the food court. He grabs a Big Mac Meal from McDonald’s before searching the dining area for an available table. He really hates having his lunch at the mall, it is always so crowded and he has never felt comfortable in crowds, but his lunch break isn’t long enough for him to be able to leave the mall and find a fast food joint that isn’t crawling with people.

Giving up on a finding a table far enough away from other customers Jensen grabs one in between an older couple and some guy sitting by himself. The mall is bustling with activity, as per usual, customers being as loud as ever and already he can feel the beginnings of a headache pounding at his temples. He does his best to block it out as he eats his lunch, longing to be somewhere quieter but doing his best to deal.

The feel of someone’s stare upon him increases the longer he sits there with his head bowed down, trying his best to be invisible. Being as inconspicuous as he can, he looks up through his lashes without lifting his head and casts a glance around. He startles a little when he turns his head and finds the guy sitting at the table next to him staring without a trace of shame, intent and slightly creepy.

Jensen quickly turns his head away, thinking what the hell?, but he can still feel those eyes watching him intensely. He lets it go for a moment, hoping the guy will find something more interesting to stare at, but when he finally glances around once more the guy is still staring, a smile slowly blossoming on his face when their eyes catch.

Turning his eyes away once more, heat warming his cheeks, he does his best to breathe in and out in an even rhythm. Part of him is flattered to be receiving such attention but the larger part is just kind of freaked out. It’s not that the guy isn’t attractive or anything, with those bright blue eyes and midnight dark hair, but there is just something unnerving about his stare that puts Jensen on edge. He can’t explain it, there’s just something unnerving about the guy that Jensen has yet to put his finger on.

“What’s got you lookin’ so spooked?” Kaisha asks as she pulls out a chair and drops down on it in a lazy sprawl, crossing her arms at the wrist over the table.

This isn’t the first time she’s shown up on his lunch break, it happens so often in fact that he’s come to expect it, but the strange moment he just experienced has left him unnerved so he can’t stop himself from jumping at the sudden sound of her voice. Kaisha just raises her eyebrow, asking if he’s okay without actually making a sound.

Jensen turns to look at the guy only to find blue eyes still watching him intently, making the flush on Jensen’s cheeks deepen. Kaisha follows his line of sight and smirks slightly, giving the guy an appraising once-over. Jensen knows what is going through her mind, he knows her well enough by now, but she has it all wrong.

Jensen tears his eyes away from the guy’s intense blue stare to regard his best friend. “I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong,” he speaks lowly so as not to be overheard by the guy but the quirked eyebrow he receives from Kaisha tells him she isn’t buying it.

“Are you sure about that? Your cheeks are as red as a tomato Jen, so I’m sure it’s exactly what I’m thinking,” she says with an impish grin. “Though I’m not too sure why you look so spooked. Wouldn’t be the first time someone’s given you the eye before.”

“Can we please talk about this some…” Jensen trails off as he cuts a sideways glance over at the guy only to find the table vacant. He casts his eyes around but the guy is nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell’d he go? He was just there,” Kaisha says as she looks around too, a disturbed look on her face. “He couldn’t have disappeared that quickly.”

Jensen can’t help the shudder that rolls down his spine, feeling disturbed by the whole thing. There is just something wrong about the whole situation, it was just too weird for comfort, and now that Jensen thinks about it he realizes what was so odd about the look in the guy’s eyes. He was looking at him like he knew Jensen, which is most unnerving because Jensen has never seen the guy before today.

“Wow, you sure know how to attract the weird ones Jen,” Kaisha says with awe in her voice, giving him an amused look.

Jensen forces a chuckle, though it sounds anything but amused. He can’t exactly explain what had him so spooked though, Kaisha wouldn’t understand and would likely think he was overreacting so it’s best to keep his paranoia to himself. Maybe I should call Sam, he contemplates but then dismisses the idea almost immediately.

Sam wouldn’t think he was overreacting but at this point Jensen can’t say what just happened, he might just be paranoid after what happened to him in Palm Springs, he might be seeing things for all he knows. Maybe the guy was just weird and there’s nothing more to it than that. There are weird people in this world, not everyone with a few quirks is automatically a demon. Jensen tries to remind himself of this, to make himself believe it, but that sense of wrong he’s felt every since locking eyes with the guy still remains.

“Okay you still look spooked as hell; it’s starting to worry me. Are you okay Jen? Did something happen?” Kaisha rattles off questions as the concern on her face deepens, reaching out to lay a hand over Jensen’s. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jensen sighs and tries his best to place a reassuring smile on his face. “There was just something off about that guy, I can’t tell you what it was, and it just kind of rattled me. I’m probably just being paranoid though.”

“Are you sure?” Kaisha doesn’t look convinced, if anything she looks even more concerned.

“Yeah I’m fine, I promise. I gotta get back to work though so I’ll see you tonight when I get home,” he says as he stands up and tosses the remainder of his lunch in the nearest trash can.

“I’m heading down that way myself so I’ll walk you there.”

Jensen just nods his head as they leave the food court but his heart jumps in his chest when he sees the strange guy standing off in a secluded corner, curious blue eyes trained intently on Jensen. He doesn’t point the guy out to Kaisha though, just grabs her arm and forces her to walk faster, not offering an explanation as to why.

:0Ж0:

Kaisha is sitting on the couch watching some crime drama on TV when Jensen gets back from work. She glances up from the television long enough to grace him with a dazzling smile before returning her attention to the show she’s watching. Jensen just sighs a tired sigh, he’s had a long and strange day, and heads upstairs. Making a quick stop in his room to drop off his things he grabs his night clothes and goes to the bathroom to take a shower.

When he returns from his hot and relaxing shower he finds Kaisha sitting on his bed waiting for him. He offers her a tiny smile and drops heavily down onto the bed, leaning back against the headboard. All day his mind has been consumed with thoughts, questions about the strange guy he encountered and wondering if he’s just being paranoid about the whole thing or if he should call Sam. Part of him really doesn’t want to bother Sam with this, Jensen might be blowing it way out of proportion, but the fact that he might not be has his fingers itching to dial the hunter’s number.

“You can’t seriously be going to bed?” Kaisha says with more than a touch of disbelief in her voice.

“I’ve had a long day Kaisha, and I’m tired. Going to bed sounds like the perfect plan to me,” he says as he rubs a weary hand down the length of his face. “Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better.”

“I have heard that excuse too many times Jenny Boy,” Kaisha grins when the nickname earns her a glare, “and I’m not trying to be insensitive by saying this, but quite frankly I’m tired of hearing it. You and I are going to go out tonight, have some fun, and I don’t want to hear any objections from you,” she says with an excited smile as she jumps up and starts raiding his closet, trying to find something suitable for him to wear.

“Look Kaisha, I know you mean well, but I’m really not up to going out and lying, pretending to have fun when I’m not. I know I should stop moping around, should be ready by now to put myself out there, but I just…” Jensen trails off, unsure how to finish that sentence.

It’s been six months, he should be moving on with his life, going out and having fun, meeting people and possibly going on a date here and there. But the truth is he isn’t ready for that, doesn’t want to meet anyone new. Deep down he knows his feelings for Dean will take him exactly nowhere, he needs to get over the hunter but he isn’t ready to throw himself into another relationship either, and he’s never been the type for one night stands.

Truthfully, he thinks he should just stay single for a while, worry about himself and getting his life in order. He’s got a job down at the mall but he doesn’t want to work there forever, and he needs to find his own place to live. He knows Kaisha will let him stay with her for as long as he needs to, is more than happy to have him as a roommate, but he would like to find his own house eventually. He needs his independence again, needs to stand on his own two feet. He doesn’t want or need to be in a relationship.

Kaisha breathes a loud sigh before sitting next to him on the bed and placing a delicate but strong hand on his bent knee, squeezing reassuringly, a small smile brightening her face. “I’m not trying to push you into dating Jen, I can see that you’re still head over heels in love with this Dean guy, and I know it’s going to take some time to move on. But I can’t see you like this anymore, it’s breaking my heart. Every day you go to work, come home only to hide yourself behind these walls, that sadness never leaving your eyes, you isolate yourself on the beach each morning, and then you do it all over again. It hurts to see you like this and I’m damn determined to help in any way I can to cheer you up, even if you don’t like it. I know what’s good for you, I always have and you can’t deny it.”

Jensen can’t help but chuckle softly at the huge grin splitting her face after she says this and he really can’t deny that she’s always known what’s good for him, always been there and has looked out for him. No matter what he has always been able to count on her and he couldn’t be more grateful, without her he’d be alone, and he knows it all too well. His parents never would have been there for him, never would have been as caring and supportive as she has been. He owes a lot to her.

“I’m not asking you to forget Dean overnight and go home with some random guy Jen, I just want you to go out with me and have fun for once,” Kaisha says with pleading eyes, doing her damnedest to convince him, and he must say she’s starting to get through to him. He still isn’t sure he wants to go out but she can be damn persuasive when she wants to be and he’ll admit he’s tempted. “You owe it to yourself to have some fun Jensen. Just think about it, we’ll have a couple of beers and listen to some good music, it’ll be like old times.”

Jensen cracks at that, pulling her petite body into his arms as her arm wraps around his torso and she rests her head against his chest. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Kaisha. I probably would’ve succumbed to depression long ago without you here to pull me out of it.”

“It’s ‘cause I love you Jen, and I hate seeing you unhappy. You’re my brother, even if not by blood, and I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.” She tightens her arms around him, soothingly rubbing his back, and he squeezes her shoulder gently to portray his gratitude.

“Alright, I’ll get dressed and then we can head out,” Jensen concedes, a smile pulling at his lips as Kaisha springs up out of his arms and presses a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“Get your ass dressed and meet me downstairs,” are her parting words as she rushes from the room and after sitting there for a moment Jensen gets up to do just that, only with less enthusiasm that his best friend displayed. He still doesn’t truly want to go out, would rather lie around in his room, but he promises himself he’ll try to have a good time, even if just for Kaisha’s sake.

He finishes getting dressed and is heading downstairs when there is a knock on the front door. He knows Kaisha is still in her bedroom getting ready for their night out so Jensen makes his way to the door to see who their visitor is. He isn’t sure who it could possibly be, and especially at this hour, because they don’t get very many visitors. He figures it is probably someone here to see Kaisha though, because no one would making a surprise visit to see him. He has been here for going on six months but he hasn’t tried very hard, if at all, to make any friends.

So it comes as quite a shock when he opens the door only to find Sam and Dean standing on the welcome mat. Sam has a wide grin on his face, obviously happy to see him again after so long, while Dean stands just a ways behind him with his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his jeans and unsure expression on his face.

For his part Jensen isn’t quite sure how to react, torn between overjoyed at seeing them again and confused as to why they are here. It is just very unexpected and Jensen is having a hard time believing they are really standing right in front of him. Part of him wants to hug both of them tightly and hang on for dear life but at the same time another part of him isn’t happy they’re here. He has missed them like crazy and has wanted nothing more than to see them again but he’s trying to move on and he can’t do that with them showing up unexpectedly.

Jensen worries his lip as he stares at them without saying a word, I’m not ready to see them.

-~*~-
~~Next Chapter~~
-~*~-

Caught in the Hands of Fate: 16/?

2009-09-21T07:01:13Z

-~*~-
Chapter Sixteen:
When All is Said and Done
-~*~-

Emotionally and physically exhausted, Jensen thrusts his key into the lock and a moment later has the door to his room opened. He greets Will with a weak smile but offers him no words, not in any kind of mood for conversation anyway. Will greets him in a similar fashion and then returns to putting a change of clothes into his duffel. Jensen doesn’t have to ask his roommate where he is going, he already knows. Will hardly ever sleeps in their room, opting to stay with his girlfriend most nights. Jensen doesn’t know why the other man doesn’t just move in with her, he practically lives with her as it is, but he keeps this to himself. It is none of his business, after all.

Jensen practically drags his body over to his bed and lowers himself down with a sigh, rubbing at his eyes tiredly, contacts starting to irritate them after the tears that were shed. He had thought he was done crying over Jared, didn’t think there was a tear left for the shaggy haired man, but obviously he had been mistaken. He can’t deny the feelings he still harbors for the hazel eyed cutie, knows they have never really gone away, but he had hoped he was beyond the point of still crying over him.

There have been times that he misses the other man so bad that he feels like he might break apart at the seams. He has accepted the fact that what they had is a thing of the past, and most days the heartache, which is always just beneath the surface, is manageable. But then there are his off days where he feels like he can’t breathe. He doesn’t want to miss Jared anymore though, he just wants the pain to end and that feeling like something’s missing to disappear. Most of all, he wants to be able to think about Jared without feeling like he’s dying inside.

Jared made it very clear that he still loves him, possibly misses him just as much as Jensen misses the giant puppy. Part of him wonders what Jared would have said had he stayed long enough for the guy to speak his mind, but another part is glad he left when he did. Okay, so Jared might want him back, but that doesn’t change a thing. Even if Jensen wanted to take Jared back, he can’t say with absolute certainty that he could find it in himself to trust him again. In the back of his mind he’d constantly be wondering if Jared would freak out and abandon him again. He doesn’t want to live his life like that, worried all the time that it will all fall apart.

No, if they were going to try again Jared would have to step out of that proverbial closet. Jared would need to hold his hand in public, acknowledge that they are in a relationship, and Jensen would like to meet his family one day. Jensen would need Jared to make some sacrifices because he isn’t sure he could trust the other man otherwise, but he highly doubts Jared would be willing to do that. Jared is sitting quite comfortably in that closet and it doesn’t seem likely that he will be coming out any time soon.

Besides, Jensen has Justin to consider. He recently told the older man that he wouldn’t take Jared back even if there was a chance that Jared might want him, told him that he wanted to give a relationship between them a shot, reassured him. Justin has been so good to him, so patient and understanding, and Jensen truly enjoys spending time with him. He can’t hurt him now, hates the very idea of the disappointment that would be on his face if Jensen were to break up with him.

Justin is good for me and he makes me happy; he could be the real deal one day so I can’t screw it up now, he tells himself firmly, silently afraid that his willpower to reject Jared might not be as strong as he hopes it to be.

Jensen pulls himself out of his thoughts long enough to respond when Will tells him that he will see him later, and then he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. He is going crazy with all these thoughts running through his head and right now he needs someone to talk to. The obvious choice is Mackenzie; she has always had been gifted when it comes to listening and giving advice.

“Mackenzie,” he says the moment he hears the ringing stop, before his sister even has a chance to get a word out.

“Jen, what’s wrong?” she asks immediately, automatically hearing the distress in his voice.

“I just really needed someone to talk to and you know I always come to you first.”

There is a smile in her voice as she says, “Yeah, how did I ever get so lucky? But seriously, you don’t sound so good, is everything okay?”

“Uh, no… no, I don’t think so,” Jensen responds, sighing heavily, features scrunched up in a grimace as he recalls what happened with Jared. “I’m just really confused and upset right now, I don’t know what to do.”

“Can you be a little more specific? Tell me what happened Jen, I’ll help if I can.” Her voice washes over him, uncertainty and worry in her tone.

“I talked to Jared today…” Jensen trails off, letting his sister make of this what she will.

The sigh down the line is heavy and drawn out, laced with concern and agitation. “What did he say to you? He didn’t hurt you again, did he? I still think you should’ve let me talk to him, give him a piece of my mind, that boy seriously needs to be yelled at and you know there’s no one better at that than me.”

Jensen can’t help but smile slightly at these words, it is just so like Mackenzie to get overprotective, doesn’t matter that she’s his younger sister. “He didn’t say anything like what you’re expecting. Actually, he told me, in so many words, that he misses me, misses us.”

There is an intake of breath over the line and it sounds loud to Jensen’s ears. “Please tell me you bitched him out for that.” She finally speaks, sounding like she’s hesitant to hear his answer.

Jensen releases a sigh and closes his eyes. “Yeah, I told him he didn’t get to have that conversation now after all this time and then I left him standing there in Chris’ driveway. But that’s beside the point Mack, I’m all mixed up now because of this.”

“You still want to be with him.” She says this as a statement not a question, and Jensen realizes that she’s right. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth, he can’t deny the truth of it.

“Yeah, I do, and it’s bugging the shit outta me. He hurt me and I can’t trust him not to do it again, but God help me I still love him and I want to be with him. I don’t know what to do, Mack.” Jensen admits with tears in his eyes that bleed into his voice, desperation so strong that he can’t hide.

“I still say that he doesn’t deserve you, and I really don’t want to see you hurt again, but…” his sister trails off on a sigh.

“But,” he prods, unexpectedly eager to hear what she has to say.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” she says to herself, laughing ironically. “If you still want to be with him Jen, then I say you should go for it. If he will make you happy and can get you out of this miserable place he’s put you in, then I think you should take him back. But if he hurts you again, so help me God, even you won’t be able to stop me from killing him!”

Jensen smiles into the phone as he runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t know why he needed her approval so badly, needed to hear her tell him it’s okay to take Jared back. Maybe he just needed someone else’s opinion to help him come to a decision; he isn’t sure, but it’s good to hear nonetheless.

:0Ж0:

December 24th, 2000

Jensen steps out of the cab once it pulls up to the curb and pays the fare. He watches the vehicle drive away almost longingly and turns to peer at the house in front of him, looking like a man on death row. Every part of him is screaming at him to turn away and walk back to the dorms, to not deal with this right now. He just wants to get away, doesn’t want to go through with what he knows needs to be done.

He still hasn’t decided what he is going to do about Jared, doesn’t know if he wants to take him back or if that is one bridge he can’t cross. He’s not all that sure Jared even wants him back, but that is beside the point right now. The point is, all this confusion and indecision has made one thing perfectly clear to him and the fact of the matter is that he isn’t over Jared.

This, of course, has made him reevaluate his life and the choices he has made. Which brings him to Justin. He likes the older man a lot, and if things were different he wouldn’t hesitate to date the guy. But the truth is, he really shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. He doesn’t know why he even decided to try to be in one, but he knows now that it was a mistake. He can’t give Justin what he deserves, which is all of himself, when he is still pining away for his ex-boyfriend. It isn’t fair to the older man and Jensen knows it.

Justin is an incredible person and under different circumstances Jensen would be all over him. The guy is unbelievably sweet and caring, a hopeless romantic, funny and intelligent, and his cooking is to die for. All things considered, he is exactly the type of guy Jensen has always wanted. But when he came into Jensen’s life the timing was just wrong, and while he may have all these good points going for him, Jensen can’t ignore that he isn’t ready to give all of himself to Justin.

He figures he has led Justin on long enough and he should put an end to it before deeper feelings are involved, before it’s too late to turn back. He doesn’t want to hurt Justin, so he believes it is best to end things now before things go too far. Sure, Justin may be disappointed and a little hurt, but it would be a hell of a lot worse if he were to do this in a a month or so.

Still, knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier. Jensen has never broken up with anybody before, he doesn’t like doing anything that he knows will hurt or disappoint someone, and he hates being the bad guy. He sees no way around this though, and there really is no other way he can do this. He has to break up with Justin because the guy deserves to be with someone who loves him, who is free to love him.

Even though he still hasn’t decided if he is going to take Jared back, he knows what he must do as far as Justin is concerned. Doesn’t matter if he decides to take Jared back or not when all is said and done, breaking up with Justin is the right thing to do and he knows it. Now, if only this could be a little easier to do, he thinks to himself somberly as he walks up to the front door and knocks lightly.

A bright smile climbs onto Justin’s face the moment he sees Jensen and it just makes him feel worse than he already does. Unable to speak, Jensen smiles a bit uncertainly and enters the house when Justin ushers him in. Feeling awkward in his own skin, he stuffs his hands into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you today; I was just getting ready to head to my parents’ house for Christmas Eve. My family gets together every year, there are always sandwiches and cakes galore, and then we open a couple presents at midnight. Awesome time!” Justin says enthusiastically as he rushes around the living room, stuffing gifts and containers filled with food into plastic bags.

Shit, Jensen mentally curses when the date is brought to his attention. He had forgotten all about what day it was and now he feels like a heel. It seems pretty damn cruel and insensitive to break up with someone on Christmas Eve, only a jackass does something like that. I can’t do this now, he tells himself as he watches Justin scramble around the living room, feeling like a complete jerk, I should wait until after the holidays.

“Sorry,” Justin laughs sheepishly. “I know I’m kinda rushing around here like a madman. I just don’t want to be late, ya know? It’s really good to see you though, it’s made my day that much better.”

“No, I completely understand, I’ve caught you at a bad time. Actually, I didn’t even realize what day it was,” Jensen lets out a laugh that sounds false to his own ears and he hopes that Justin doesn’t catch onto it. “Guess I’ve been too busy to keep up with the days lately.”

Justin just smiles fondly and drops what he is doing to lean against the back of the couch. “I would offer for you to come along, celebrate Christmas Eve with me, but I know we haven’t been dating for that long and it’d probably too early for you to meet my parents, much less my whole family in one go.” He laughs as he says this and Jensen can’t help but reciprocate it, nodding his head in agreement.

“Yeah, that might be a bit uncomfortable for me, to be honest,” Jensen laughs again, a little bit of his nerves coming out in the sound that he tries to cover up with a cough. “I hope you have a good time though.”

“What do you have planned for tonight?” Justin asks after a short moment of silence.

“Probably celebrate with a few friends.” The lie tumbles from his lips effortlessly and he hopes the guilt he is feeling isn’t showing on his face.

Jensen takes in an uneasy breath, feeling as though the walls are closing in on him. He has the sudden urge to get out of here, get some air. He is feeling like the crappiest person on the planet at the moment. He came over here with the sole intention of breaking up with Justin, only for the guy to welcome him into his home with a bright smile and the knowledge of what day it is.

The spacious living room suddenly seems a bit too small to Jensen now and the weight of things unsaid, of guilt, hangs in the air, steadily suffocating him. The need to escape is getting stronger by the minute and Jensen doesn’t know how much longer he can hold out. All he can keep thinking is that he shouldn’t be here, not right now, and he can’t seem to look Justin in the eye for very long, which he’s sure the man will catch on to sooner or later. He really doesn’t want to give him the chance because then he will have questions that Jensen doesn’t want to answer right now. He doesn’t want to ruin Justin’s holiday, doesn’t want to be the reason for putting the man in a depressed mood on Christmas Eve.

“I, uh… you’re busy right now so I’m just gonna get out of here and let you get ready,” Jensen stammers, cursing himself mentally for it.

“No, it’s alright, there’s really no need to rush off,” Justin steps forward as he says this but Jensen shakes his head and moves closer to the door. “You just got here Jensen, I want you to stay for a little bit.” Justin tries again with a different approach.

“It’s not that I don’t want to stay for a little while, it’s just that I really should be going anyway. I should get over to Chris’ now to find out if they have any plans, if they’re going anywhere, I don’t want to be left behind or anything.” Jensen lets the lie slide off his tongue, the words tasting bitter and sour.

“Alright then, if you really must be going I won’t try to keep you here any longer than I have. You should come by sometime tomorrow though, I wouldn’t protest to having you around.”

“Uh, yeah sure, I’ll see if I can swing by for a bit.” Jensen replies as he inches closer to the door, eager to get out of here as soon as possible.

Justin crosses the space between them in a few steps and leans in to kiss him. Jensen turns his head at the last moment without thinking, causing Justin’s lips to press against his cheek instead of their intended target. Jensen closes his eyes, calling himself an idiot when Justin freezes and then pulls back slightly, looking at him with imploring and searching eyes. Jensen wants to hide from that stare, and is unable to meet it no matter what he does.

You should’ve just let him kiss you, you idiot! He yells at himself mentally, calling himself every name he can think of. Justin is still watching him with that searching gaze and Jensen knows he is screwed. There is no way Justin won’t question him now, not after Jensen shied away from his kiss, and especially not while he won’t return his stare. He has royally fucked himself over with that split second, instinctual movement and he could just hit himself for being so idiotic.

Jensen hears Justin’s sharp intake of breath and closes his eyes, waiting for the inevitable. “What’s wrong Jensen?” Justin asks the dreaded question finally.

“Nothing’s wrong, I… it’s just… I don’t know why I did that,” Jensen lets out a huff of breath and finally raises his eyes to meet Justin’s stare, looking at the older man with a miserable expression on his face. “I’m sorry, really, I don’t know why I moved like that.”

Justin just looks at him intently for a moment, eyes sweeping over his features, assessing him, and then he shakes his head. “No, I don’t believe you; I think you know exactly why you moved away from me, you just don’t want to explain yourself. Why is that?”

“I seriously don’t know why I did it,” Jensen says once more, though he already knows Justin won’t believe him.

“Don’t give me that Jensen, don’t lie to me, please. Just tell me, whatever it is, I don’t care. Just tell me the truth.”

Jensen releases a sigh full of defeat and resignation. “Please don’t make me do this now, not today, not on Christmas Eve. I’ll explain myself eventually, I’ll tell you anything you want me to, but please don’t make me ruin the holiday.”

For a moment Justin just looks confused as he stares at Jensen but then his eyes widen in realization and he turns them away. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner,” he speaks softly to himself before turning his eyes back to Jensen. “You came here to break up with me, didn’t you? And you couldn‘t do it when you learned what day it was.”

Jensen’s head snaps up so suddenly that he is in danger of giving himself whiplash, and he has the impression that he looks vaguely like a deer caught in headlights right now. Justin smiles ruefully and nods his head in understanding, lowering his eyes to hide any emotion shining through.

Guilt lodges in Jensen’s throat, making it difficult to swallow much less breathe. He wants to say something, apologize for coming here to break up with him, make sure he knows he never meant to hurt him, that when he said he wanted to start a relationship he had meant it at the time. But, unfortunately, he finds that he can’t open his mouth. He knows he owes Justin an explanation, as well as an apology, but he doesn’t know what he would say, even if he could get his mouth to work properly.

Problem is he isn’t even sure there is anything he could say that would make this remotely okay. No words exist that could take away the sting of being dumped and Jensen knows this first hand. Jensen vaguely wonders if he should just say he is sorry and then make his exit, but he squashes this thought almost immediately, knowing Justin deserves better than that. The older man has treated him with nothing but kindness and understanding; he deserves an explanation and some closure. Plus, if it is even possible, Jensen hopes that they can part on good terms, even if that does seem like a stretch.

Justin raises his eyes once more, after a long and awkward moment, and Jensen forces himself to face him. Justin manages to smile a bit solemnly and Jensen can’t help but think him remarkable. Only Justin would manage to smile at the person breaking up with him without a trace of anger. Jensen can’t help thinking that he deserves that absent anger, but he also can’t help being grateful for its absence because it makes this all a little easier.

“Jared’s somehow behind the reason for your decision to break up with me, isn’t he?” he says softly, a knowing expression on his face that makes Jensen flush sheepishly. “He wants you back, doesn’t he? Are you planning on going back to him?”

“I spoke to Jared recently, and yes he may have suggested that he wants me back, but I’ve made no decisions to take him back or anything,” Jensen replies, looking straight into Justin’s eyes. “Having him approach me like that though, put a lot of things into perspective for me.”

“Like the fact that you’re still in love with him,” Justin says for him, soft eyes looking upon him with understanding and acceptance.

Jensen nods his head apologetically. “And I realized that, even if I don’t take Jared back, I’m not ready to be in another relationship right now when my heart still belongs to someone else.”

“I can’t say this doesn’t suck, ‘cause I really like you Jensen, but I can understand, and I’m glad you’re doing this now rather than later. I have a lot of respect for you for doing this, in fact. So, I guess on some level I should be thanking you for ending this now before I got in too deep.”

“I really thought I was ready for a new relationship, and I want you to know that I really do like you Justin, you’re one of the most incredible men I know. And under different circumstances I think a relationship would have worked out. You’re a great guy and a large part of me wishes… I really wish things could have worked between us, could have been different.”

Justin smiles, a small, genuine smile, this time and nods his head. “I believe you; I know you wanted this to work out as much as I did. It was nice while it lasted though, and I certainly don’t regret anything… I hope you don’t either.”

“I don’t, there’s no way I could.” Jensen responds firmly, honestly.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that… and, just for the record, Jared’s a lucky guy, he doesn’t realize how lucky he is. He has something special, something a lot of guys would kill to have, and I really hope for your sake that he wakes up and realizes just what he‘s been given.”

Jensen blushes at these words and lowers his head bashfully, whispering a barely audible ‘thanks’. He has gotten pretty used to blushing around Justin, the guy constantly giving him compliments that made his cheeks redden. “I guess I should be going now,” Jensen says quietly as he opens the door. “I’m really sorry about all this Justin, and I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that guy, but I hope you find him soon ‘cause you deserve to be happy.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t you, too, but thanks all the same. And I hope everything works out for you as well, because you deserve to be happy too Jensen, even if you don’t believe it at times,” Justin replies with a knowing smile.

Jensen just nods his head, whispering ‘bye Justin’ and then turns around and walks out the door. He can hear Justin following him out but he doesn’t turn back. He still feels like crap for doing this on Christmas Eve, and for simply having to break up with Justin in the first place, but at the same time it feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He doesn’t quite know where he is going to go from here but he figures he will just take it one step at a time and see where he ends up.

“Hey Jensen,” Justin calls out suddenly, Jensen stopping in his tracks and turning to face the older man once more. “I’d like to take you up on your earlier offer of friendship… that is, as long as the offer’s still on the table.”

A beaming smile makes its way onto Jensen’s face as he nods his head enthusiastically, happiness clear on his face and in the depths of his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I think I’d like that very much.”

Justin smiles then, blindingly. “Great to hear it. You’re welcome to drop by any time, remember that. And I’ll probably drop by the café from time to time just to visit, as long as it’s okay with you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, and I look forward to seeing you at the café sometime. I‘ll see you around Justin, don‘t be a stranger.” Jensen replies before turning and walking away once more, feeling a lot better about the whole situation now that he knows they might stay friends.

:0Ж0:

Jensen follows Danneel into Malone’s and gives Jack a wave before taking a seat across from his friend in one of the booths. Danneel leans forward with her elbows resting on the table top, rich red hair falling over her shoulder, a few strands hanging loosely in front of her eyes. She makes no move to slide it behind her ear though, and places a dazzling smile on her face as Jack approaches their table.

Jack greets each of them with his usual cheerfulness, teasing Danneel while he is at it, and eventually getting around to taking their order. Jensen asks for a simple chocolate shake while Danneel decides she wants swirl ice cream. Jack takes their order with a smile on his face, saying he’s glad to see them and that they should come in more often, and then he walks away to retrieve their desserts.

“So, what’s going on with you, Jenny Boy?” she asks once she turns her attention back to him. She had been trying to get the information out of him all through their shift but Jensen simply refused to discuss it at work and so she came up with the idea of going to Malone’s after work so they could talk.

“Don’t call me that,” Jensen grumbles irritably but this only produces a laugh from Danneel. Typical, he mutters in his mind, glowering to himself. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind the last couple of days, is all.”

“Nuh uh, you’re not getting off that easy,” Danneel shakes her head as if to prove her point. “You’re not gonna look all dazed and mopey during work and then expect an excuse like that to get you off the hook. Nope, you’re gonna sit there with your damn shake and give me all the details, and I don’t want to hear any bitching about it.”

“Alright, jeez, calm down,” Jensen raises his hands in sign of surrender and can’t help but smile. She and Sophia are a lot alike when it comes to the ‘no bullshit’ attitude they have. It is kind of endearing, if not obnoxious sometimes. “Jared said something to me the other day, or more like he hinted at something, and I haven’t been able to get it off my mind since.”

A scowl appears on Danneel’s face as soon as she hears this. “What did that dickhead say to you?” She practically growls and it takes all of Jensen’s willpower not to laugh.

“It doesn’t really matter what he said, what matters is it made me re-think a few things in my life and helped me to make things right.” Jensen replies with complete honesty, truly believing he has made the right choices.

Danneel eyes him suspiciously but before she can attempt to say anything Jack returns to their table with their dessert. Jensen shows his gratitude by giving Jack a smile before wrapping his lips around his straw. Milk chocolate explodes on his tongue a second later and he moans his appreciation. It is in his opinion that Malone’s makes the best milkshakes he has ever had and he couldn’t mean that more. They are smooth and sweet, not too rich like at some places.

Jack grins in satisfaction before walking away, a bounce to his step. Danneel eyes Jensen critically, like she believes he is hiding something and is determined to figure out what it is. Jensen ignores her blatant stare and happily slurps down his shake. Danneel’s eyes widen a moment later and she slaps her hands down onto the table, startling Jensen enough that he jumps at the impact, and warily looks at her as she stares back in disbelief.

“You broke up with Justin,” She says this like she just can’t wrap her head around it, like she wants to crawl inside his head just to understand what is going through his mind. “Didn’t you?”

The expression on his face must give him away because now she looks like she wants to reach out and strangle him. “I realized that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship right now, it wasn’t fair to Justin so I broke up with him before I could hurt him too badly.”

“I can’t believe you,” she whispers on a huff of breath, leaning back in her seat and looking at Jensen like she doesn’t even know who he is. “Justin was cute, Jensen, and he was a total sweetheart! How could you break up with him like that? He was really good for you, and you were sickeningly cute together… are you crazy?”

“Look, it’s not a big deal, okay? We had only been dating for a short time, so there were no hard feelings involved. In fact, we’re going to stay friends.” he reassures her, though he isn’t positive they will stay friends; he can only hope Justin meant it when he said he wanted to. “But it wasn’t fair to stay with him when I know for a fact that I can’t give my heart to him, when I don’t know how long it’ll be before I’m ready to give my heart to him. I don’t even know if I would have given him my heart, and that’s a problem. I was doing the right thing Danneel, you have to see that. He deserved better than what I could give him.”

Danneel lets out a sigh, looking as though she wants to be stubborn and deny the truth of his statement, but he can tell that she agrees with him. She nods her head a bit ruefully, appearing as though she is more disappointed than Jensen is that things didn’t work out with Justin. He simply smiles a bit apologetically and allows the conversation to die in the wake of what has been previously said.

Jensen lowers his head and lets out a groan when he sees Jared enter the small parlor. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with the shaggy haired man but it looks as though he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. He can easily recall how he left things between them and is sure whatever is about to happen next won’t be pleasant. The air between them is bound to be awkward and Jensen isn’t looking forward to it in the least.

In a few short strides Jared reaches their table, an unsure smile on his face and his hands stuffed into his jeans’ pockets, balled up into fists. Danneel scowls at him the moment she sees him, placing a bitchy expression on her features, but Jared, to his credit, ignores her. Instead he focuses his attention on Jensen, which Jensen finds uncomfortable and unpleasant. He doesn’t want to deal with this, isn’t sure he even has the strength for it, but he knows Jared well enough by now; he isn’t going to give up until Jensen agrees to hear him out.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, can I talk to you?” he asks, looking hopeful.

Jensen releases a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and giving his head a brief shake, before opening his eyes once more and returning Jared’s stare. “I don’t know, Jared. What’s there to talk about anyway? Everything is over and done with, why can’t you just leave things well enough alone?”

“Please Jen, I know I don’t deserve to explain myself after all this time, but I’ll get down on my knees and beg you if that’s what it takes,” Jared says, desperation coloring his tone, looking as though he means every single word. He really will get down and beg on his knees if that is what he has to do. The sentiment is appreciated, but Jensen still doesn’t feel like having this conversation.

“He said he doesn’t want to talk to you, Jared, so why don’t you save what’s left of your dignity and let it go?” Danneel suggests in that bitchy tone of hers and Jensen almost laughs out loud.

Jared tosses her an irritated glance but returns his full attention to Jensen a second later. “Please Jen, just hear me out. Give me this one chance to explain myself, and then if we really can’t work things out between us I’ll never bring it up again, I promise. Just, please, give me ten minutes, just ten minutes.”

Even though he doesn’t want to, Jensen finally caves and draws himself to his feet. Danneel watches him with disbelief and concern in her eyes, but he just gives her a reassuring smile and then motions for Jared to follow him out of the parlor, saying they need some privacy for this conversation. Jared follows him like an eager puppy and flags down a cab to take them back to Jensen’s dorm room.

:0Ж0:

“Alright, you’ve got ten minutes, don’t waste ‘em,” Jensen says dispassionately as he unlocks the door and enters the room. It has grown dark in the time it took to get here from the parlor but he doesn’t bother with turning on any lights.

He tosses his keys down onto his desk and toes off his shoes as Jared shuts the door behind him, standing awkwardly in the doorway, like he never lived here at one point in time and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Jensen doesn’t bother to ease his tension by telling him to make himself at home because, to be frank, Jared isn’t welcome here anymore. He simply takes a seat at the end of his bed and looks at Jared expectantly.

Jared eyes the other side of the room through the darkness for a moment, taking in the unkempt bed and posters littering the wall, before shuffling over to Jensen’s desk chair and sitting down. Placing his hands in his lap, he fiddles with them anxiously until Jensen yells at him, saying Jared is making him nervous now. He also makes sure to remind him that he’s wasting time sitting there when he could be talking. Jensen doesn’t particularly want to discuss this, but it is better than watching Jared fidget in his seat nervously.

“You got a new roommate, huh? I didn’t know that,” Jared says softly, looking at the other side of the room with something akin to longing in his eyes.

Jensen rolls his eyes in response, getting tired of this whole beating around the bush thing Jared’s got going on, and glances down at his watch in the most obvious way. “Eight minutes,” he says simply, indicating that Jared needs to start talking now or get out.

Jared finally tears his eyes away from Will’s side of the room and faces Jensen with remorse on his face. “I’m sorry Jen. I realize how much I’ve hurt you by what I’ve done, and I know it’s very possible that I can’t make it right, but I’d like to try. I was a coward, you don’t need to tell me that, I know it more than I’d like to. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since I left that night. I’ve been tormenting myself for the past three months.”

“Why are you telling me this Jared? You want me to feel sorry for you? Well, I’m sorry, but I just don’t have it in me to feel bad for you,” Jensen says as he lowers his head, staring down at the carpet.

“I’m not saying this so you’ll feel sorry for me Jen. If anyone has the right to draw anyone’s sympathy it would be you, and I know that. I just needed you to know that, despite the fact that I brought this upon myself, this has affected me too,” Jared runs a hand through his hair, shaking with frustration. “Whether you choose to believe me or not, I’ve regretted my choices. I regret leaving that night Jen, leaving you. I can’t stand this, I hate the way things are between us now. I want so badly to fix things and it frustrates me ‘cause I can’t figure out how, don’t know if there is even anything to fix anymore.”

Jensen shakes his head in refusal as he rises from the bed. “I don’t want to hear anymore, this conversation is over. I’d like for you to leave.”

Jared stands as well and takes a step toward Jensen, a step which Jensen counters by stepping around the bed out of reach. Jared stops his approach, raising his hands in a sign of reassurance, like Jensen is a frightened animal that will attack at any given moment. Which isn’t too far off because Jensen really doesn’t want to be touched right now, doesn’t think he would be able to stand the slightest of touches; he could break down if that were to happen.

“Jen, please, tell me what I have to do to make this right. I don’t want to leave things like this, don’t want things to be like this between us anymore. I hate this, God I hate this more than anything. I miss you so much, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes,” Jared looks so desperate as he stands there, as though whether he lives or dies depends on Jensen’s response. “I love you, I tried to pretend like I don’t but I never stopped loving you and I can‘t pretend anymore. I need you Jensen, I know that now and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.”

A sigh rushes out of Jensen, taking all his defenses with it and leaving him trembling in defeat. He drops down onto the bed once more, this time up near his pillow, and he looks up at Jared, misery etched onto his face.

“Even if I wanted to take you back, Jared, I don’t know if I could. Whatever trust I had in you is broken; it’s been demolished, and I don’t know if I can ever get it back. You really hurt me, I don’t think you fully realize how much, and in the back of my mind I’ll always be wondering when you’ll chicken out again,” Jensen admits on a whisper as a single tear falls from his eye and slides down his cheek.

“I know I screwed up Jensen, and I know it’ll be a long time before you can trust me again, but I’m willing to wait however long it takes and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do in order to be with you again. You mean the world to me Jen, and while I’m not saying I can’t live without you, I am saying that I don‘t want to.” Jared says this with complete honesty, Jensen can see the truth of these words shining in his eyes. “Please don’t make me, Jen.”

“I don’t think you’re ready or willing to do what it takes to be with me Jay,” Jensen says ruefully, giving a little shrug of his shoulder.

“Just name it Jen,” Jared counters, determination in his very countenance.

“Things can’t go back to the way they were, if I’m going to give us another chance I need more from you than what you gave me before.”

“Such as?” Jared asks, looking a little uneasy.

“If we’re going to have a relationship I don’t want to hide it; I can’t pretend anymore. I love you Jared, that’s no secret, but I refuse to hide the fact that I have a boyfriend. I won’t do it… not even for you. If we’re gonna be together then you need to come out of that closet you’re hiding in. I need you to be honest with yourself and the people around us,” Jensen responds, watching Jared intently as he takes all of this in.

“My family…” Jared trails off, looking lost.

“I’m not talking about your family. Sure, I’d like for you to tell them eventually, you can’t hide me and yourself away from them forever after all, but that’s not the biggest issue here, not right now. No, what I’m talking about is holding hands in public, going on dates and not hiding the fact that it’s a date. I’m not just your friend Jared, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t treat me like one in public. I won’t be your dirty little secret, I’ve been that for you for too long and I won’t do it anymore.”

Jared is quiet for a long time, just standing there with an unsure and scared expression on his face. Jensen can’t help but take this as a sign. Jared obviously isn’t ready, and while Jensen already knew this, having the proof stare him in the face doesn’t make it any easier. He may never be ready, he acknowledges sadly, wiping at his eyes when another tear falls.

Jensen lowers his head and gives it a self deprecating shake, telling himself that he should have known better than to hope he and Jared could try again. Jensen is simply asking too much of the other man, asking for things Jared won’t deliver, and he figures that there really is no going back from this. He can’t help but berate himself for even considering taking Jared back because nothing would have changed, he would have just gone back to the same bad situation that he was in before, and that really isn’t what he wants.

He really does love Jared, possibly always will, but he meant what he said. He may love Jared more than he has ever loved anyone but he isn’t willing to be his dirty little secret anymore. He needs someone he can count on, deserves to be in a relationship that he doesn’t have to hide. Maybe he and Jared can find their long lost friendship after all is said and done, or maybe they can’t. Either way, one fact remains: they just can’t go back, a relationship simply isn’t in the cards for them.

Jensen looks up with a start when he feels the bed dip beside him and finds Jared looking at him with a softness in his eyes that threatens to draw Jensen in. He wants to look away, to hide from that caring expression filled with fondness and promise, but he finds that he can’t. He watches almost in a trance-like daze as Jared reaches out and takes his limp hand in his own.

“Done,” Jared speaks softly and the word comes out breathy.

Jensen has to do a double take, wondering if he heard correctly. “What?” he asks dumbly.

Jared smiles tenderly and squeezes the hand held loosely in his briefly. “I told you I was willing to do whatever it took to win you back and I meant it. If that’s what you want, if taking our relationship public is what it takes to get you back, then that’s what I’ll do,” Jared tells him with that dimpled smile on his face, eyes consumed with happiness that washes over Jensen. “I love you Jensen, and I’m going to do things right this time.”

“Really?” Jensen asks, almost afraid to believe it and that just brings him down. Tears spill down his face faster now, though whether they are tears of happiness or sadness, he can’t be too sure. “I find that really hard to believe Jared. I want to believe it, so badly, but I just can’t.”

“I know you can’t trust me, and I don’t blame you, but that’s okay ‘cause I’m going to prove it to you. Just wait and see... I’ll prove it to you Jen.” Jared says firmly as he draws Jensen into his arms and lies them down, getting comfortable on their sides, facing one another. “I know you can’t believe it right now but you’ll see... things will be different this time.”

Jensen clings onto Jared’s arms with desperation, like he will disappear if he isn’t holding on as tightly as he can. “I’ve missed you so badly, you have no idea how terrible this has been for me. God, I’m so afraid you’re gonna hurt me again but I‘ve just missed you so much and I‘m more afraid of losing you again,” Jensen admits through gasps of breath.

“I’m back Jen; you have me and I’m not going anywhere.” Jared soothes him in hushed tones, tightening his arms around him.

Jensen buries his head in the crook of Jared’s neck and lets the tears flow until his tear ducts can produce no more. He breathes in the younger man’s scent, bringing him a sense of home and belonging. He still isn't sure about this, doesn't know if things will work out between them, but he is more open to giving it a shot compared to how he was feeling about it earlier. Obviously he is still wary, this isn't going to be easy, but lying there in Jared's arms shows him just how much he has missed the other man and how much he hopes they can work things out. It will take some time before he can begin to trust Jared again, that is if he can ever fully regain his trust in the shaggy haired man, but he is willing to give it a chance. He figures he owes it to himself to at least see if they can work things out, because he realizes now just how badly he wants it to.

His last thought before he drifts into sleep is: I love this man so much, please let him stay this time.

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper, you’re so sincere
How could our love be so blind?
We sailed on together, we drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what your love means to me
Open arms

-~*~-
Next Chapter
-~*~-

Lyrics:
Open Arms - Journey

Follow You Home: 1/?

2009-09-17T06:36:09Z

-~*~-
Part One:
Here Without You
-~*~-

The early morning air feels cool against the bare skin of his arms as Jensen sits on the beach, arms crossed over his bent knees as he stares at the ocean in front of him. It is peaceful and calming but despite that he is feeling particularly melancholy. He has been staying here at Kaisha’s beach house for a little over five months now but the longing he feels deep down inside to be with Sam and Dean hasn’t faded or even become easier to bear.

He doesn’t necessarily regret leaving, he knows it was the best option he had, and he is happy to see his friend again after so long. But he does miss the guys and constantly worries about them. Sam keeps in touch, just like he said he would. He writes often and calls whenever he can, but it just isn’t the same.

It wasn’t easy leaving them, he got so used to having them around and being out on the road, he felt like he was a part of something and now he just feels a bit lost. Walking away was probably one of the hardest things he has ever had to do and he often wonders what it would be like now had he stayed with them. Deep down he knows it would have gone back to the way things were before he and Dean crossed that invisible line and it’s that thought that tells him he did the right thing. Doesn’t make it easy though.

He can’t say he’s exactly moved on, he thinks about Dean every day, but he isn’t totally unhappy. He works at the downtown mall at a photography shop, and while it may not be the type of photography he’d like to be doing, he’s still working with a camera so he can’t complain too much. Not to mention the pay is decent and working helps to keep his mind occupied for the most part.

It is nice living by the beach too, he has always loved the ocean, loved sitting out here in the early morning hours when it’s deserted and peaceful. Eventually he would like to get his own house, it’s a nice place to settle down and he’d be right here by the ocean. It’s something he’s always wanted to do. But somehow the appeal fails in comparison to being out on the road with the two guys that had quickly come to mean the world to him.

He is making do though and trying to tell himself he is happy, that he will eventually get over that longing to be with Sam and Dean. He hasn’t succeeded in fooling himself quite yet but he’s hopeful. He just knows he couldn’t have stayed with them, it would’ve been torture for him and he is done with causing himself pain like that. He did it for too long and he refuses to do it again, especially since a second time around would’ve been much harder.

So no, he doesn’t regret his decision, but that doesn’t stop the pain of longing. He misses Dean, constantly wonders how he is doing, if he’s okay and if he misses him at all. Part of him is afraid to know the answer to that last one but can admit it’d be nice to be missed, just to know it isn’t only him. He is missing Sam like crazy too and that is one of the hardest things about leaving. He has come to see Sam as like the brother he never had and always wanted. He doesn’t want to lose that bond and he’s afraid that he will; distance has a way of doing that.

“What am I gonna do with you?” Kaisha asks with a sigh as she drops down beside him on the sand and gives him a concerned look.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m fine, so you can stop worrying now,” Jensen says with a sigh and even as the words leave his lips he knows it’s a lie.

“You’re not fine, you’re sad all the time and I don’t know how to help,” she says as she wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him to her side. “I hate seeing you like this Jen and if I ever meet this Dean guy I’m gonna beat his ass for hurting you.”

Jensen can’t help but outright laugh at this, simply because the mental picture is just too hilarious. Kaisha isn’t what you’d call a tough girl by any means - thin as a rail and standing at five foot one, the idea of her beating anyone’s ass is just too ridiculous to imagine. He appreciates the sentiment though and it’s nice to know how much she cares.

He tries to look sheepish and apologetic for laughing when she gives him a heated glare but when she rolls her eyes and gives him an exasperated look he figures he failed spectacularly. If anyone knows him better than he knows himself though, it would be Kaisha. They have known each other for years, practically grew up together from the time they were four years old, and they have been as close as siblings.

When she moved here to San Diego two years ago he had been a little worried they wouldn’t be as close as they always have been, but she didn’t let distance get between them. She has kept in touch often, even when he was out on the road with the Winchesters, and she never let even a week go by without calling him.

Out of all the people in his life she is the one he is closest to, even his own parents don’t know him as well as she does. That isn’t saying much however, seeing as he doesn’t even hear from his parents that often. His family has never been the close type, and half the time his parents don’t care to talk to him. That is just fine with him though.

“As much as I appreciate that, it won’t be necessary,” he finally says. “I’ll eventually get over him, it’s just gonna take some time.”

“What worries me is the fact that maybe you don’t want to get over him,” she says while giving him a speculative look.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asks more defensively than he had intended.

“It means that I know you Jen and you’ve always been close friends with misery,” she says with a soft sigh and a sad smile. “One would think you almost like being miserable.”

“I don’t like being miserable Kaisha, no one likes it.”

“True, but it’s been nearly six months since you showed up on my doorstep and you’re doing no better now than you were then,” she points out gently and he hates the fact that she’s right. “You may have a job now, might be settling in, but you haven’t been on a date and you certainly haven’t looked twice at a guy. You constantly talk about Dean, even though you don’t see it. Every morning you wake up early and come out here, and don’t tell me you’re not thinking about him because I know you too well to believe that lie.”

Jensen can’t deny this and doesn’t even try, just turns his head away and stares stubbornly at the ocean in front of them.

“You say you’ll move on eventually, but Jen, with everything I’ve seen and how things have been going so far, I can’t help but think you don’t truly want to. I think a part of you is hoping he’ll change his mind and come running back for you.”

The truth of this hits Jensen like ton of bricks and he can’t suppress a sharp intake of air. God, I am waiting for him to change his mind, he tells himself in disbelief, unable to comprehend how stupid he is being. Dean isn’t going to show up out of the blue with a sorry on his lips and arms open to welcome Jensen back in. Life just doesn’t work that way and Jensen certainly has never been that lucky. He is waiting around for a dream and that needs to stop. He just doesn’t know where to start, or how to go about it, even now that he knows the truth.

“I’m well and truly screwed aren’t I?” He whispers as he leans into Kaisha’s comforting warmth and allows her hand to guide his head to rest on her shoulder.

:0Ж0:

Dean curses and then curses some more as he trudges up the hill that leads back to where they parked the Impala, his right side hurting like a bitch from where the werewolf they were hunting slashed it with it‘s claws.

Sam is silent behind them as they make their way to the car but this isn’t altogether unusual, not these days anyway. His brother is still pissed at the fact that Dean ‘chased Jensen away’ and has decided to give Dean the silent treatment more often than not. He understands this, Sam was really close to Jensen, hell Dean misses the guy too, more than he is letting on, but the silent treatment has gotten old.

Yeah, he’s being so mature about this, he grumbles to himself but doesn’t say this aloud, knowing it will only result in an argument.

Right now all Dean wants is to get back to their motel room and sleep for a week. He just feels drained and exhausted, this isn’t anything new these days either but he chooses not to look too deeply into why he feels so shitty all of the time. Deep down he knows why but he just doesn’t want to think about it.

That is easier said than done of course, with the way Sam won’t let him forget, but Dean’s still stubborn enough to try.

The drive back to the motel takes no more than fifteen minutes but it feels like forever to the weary hunters. The moment they step inside the room Dean feels his exhaustion increase tenfold, staring at his bed longingly. He knows he can’t go to bed yet though, has to clean and bandage the injury on his side, check to make sure he doesn’t need Sammy to stitch him up.

“Come on, let’s patch you up,” Sam says in a voice filled with exhaustion.

Dean doesn’t argue, just sits on the end of the bed closest to him and lets Sam tend to his injury. Sam works quickly but efficiently, even though he is obviously dead tired. This is like second nature to them though; Dean would be surprised if they couldn’t do it in their sleep by now.

Letting out a relieved sigh once Sam is done, Dean lies back on the bed and closes his eyes. He isn’t anywhere near the pillows, is in fact in an uncomfortable position, but right now he can’t bring himself to care. He is just too tired, near burned out, and he hopes a few hours of sleep can stop the thoughts and constant longing he feels deep inside.

Ever since they left that little town behind six months ago Dean has thrown himself into hunting, keeping busy and focused so he doesn’t have time to think about the person missing from the backseat of the Impala. Of course it isn’t that easy to forget, to put it out of his mind, but hunting helps and these days he’ll take any distraction he can find.

“San Diego’s only a couple days drive from here,” Sam suddenly breaks the stillness of the room and Dean has to bite back a curse. He is just too damn tired to deal with this tonight, but of course Sam sees it as the perfect opportunity.

“Not tonight Sam, don’t do this tonight,” Dean speaks quietly, the plea in his voice plain to read.

“How long are you gonna put yourself through this Dean?” Sam asks with a heavy sigh as he takes a seat on the other bed. “You want to be with him, we both know that, only you won’t get your head out of your ass long enough to realize you made a mistake.”

“With us is no place for him to be Sam, he isn’t cut out for this kind of lifestyle. He’s better off where he is, with his friend, living a normal life. It’s too late for us, but it isn’t for him.”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Sam asks with incredulity dripping from his tone and an expression on his face to match. “Have you forgotten the fact that Jensen is special, one of the special kids, same as me? He is far from normal, and I think that normal life you’re talking about isn’t what he wants. That isn’t something he could have even if he wanted it, his ability will always be there, it isn’t something he can escape.”

“He was doing a pretty good job of living with it before we came along,” Dean snaps, knowing he is losing the argument and not happy about it. “I’m sure he can do it again.”

“He could be in danger Dean,” Sam stresses, looking at his brother in disbelief. “A demon had tried to kill him in the first few days of us meeting him, do you really think they’re gonna stop now? We can’t leave him on his own, he needs us, needs us to protect him. Don’t you get that?”

Damn if Sam isn’t right about that, and Dean knows it. It isn’t that he’s forgotten, there’s no way he could have, but he just doesn’t know what to do. Jensen left to escape, escape Dean and all the pain associated with him, and Dean couldn’t exactly stop him from going.

“I know you have your issues, and I get it. You don’t think you deserve good things happening to you, don’t deserve to have him, but this is bigger than you guys’ relationship issue. You need to put all that aside and think about him, his safety. You and I both know he’s safer with us.”

“And what would you have us do Sam?” Dean asks, defeat coloring his voice, as he turns his head to finally look his brother in the eye. “It was his choice to leave. Do you really think he’ll come with us if we ask nicely? He didn’t want to be here, and we can’t exactly force him.”

“We convince him to come with us, convince him that it’s in his best interest. He might not be happy about it but he’ll get himself killed out on his own, and could possibly get the people closest to him killed in the process. He isn’t gonna want that, so he’ll eventually give in,” Sam says with conviction, like he has it all figured out. He might be right about this though; Jensen won’t want to get anyone hurt.

“And what if your ingenious plan has the opposite effect? What if he runs, thinking it’d be safer for everyone if he was away from them?” Dean asks when the thought occurs to him, knowing it is just as likely to happen as actually convincing Jensen to come with them.

“Then we follow and don’t stop until he gives in,” Sam says like it’s just that easy, though they both know it isn’t. “Either way we have to try, that’s more than we’ve been doing.”

They just stare at each other, unflinchingly, for a moment and then Dean gives in with a sigh. He knows Sam is right, the kid usually is, though Dean will never admit that to him. “Fine, we’ll head out first thing in the morning.”

Sam smiles tiredly, satisfied for the first time in months, but Dean just shuts his eyes on it. He can’t deny being a little apprehensive about seeing Jensen again, doesn’t know how hard it will hit him. He hasn’t so much as talked to Jensen since he left, even though he has wanted to so bad he physically ached from it, he knew it’d just be too hard.

He hasn’t stopped wanting to be with Jensen, hasn’t gone a day without wishing he could see him, but he has done a pretty good job at keeping his feelings pushed down where they couldn’t hurt him too badly. Seeing Jensen will probably bring all those feelings to the surface and he isn’t quite sure how he will deal with them. Guess I now know how he felt, he thinks wryly.

When sleep finally takes him under his last thought is of how he wished things could have gone differently for him and Jensen, and of the fact that he is solely to blame for all the hurt they are going through. Worst of all, he doesn’t know if he can make any of it right.

-~*~-
Next Chapter
-~*~-

Follow You Home: Master Post

2009-09-16T08:37:43Z

Title: Follow You Home
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: apieceofcake
Fandom: SPN/RPS Crossover
Pairing: Dean/Jensen
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Note: This is the sequel to Divided We Fall.
Summary: After making the biggest mistake of his life Dean knows he needs to set things right, but will that be as easy as it sounds?

Here Without You

Winter in my Heart

~~Coming Soon...~~

Divided We Fall: 10/10

2009-09-10T19:48:41Z

Title: Divided We Fall
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: wickedsome
Fandom: SPN/RPS
Pairing: Dean/Jensen
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Jensen has become an addition to Sam and Dean's life on the road, fitting in like he always belonged there. He just so happens to be in love with Dean and these feelings are reciprocated but Dean refuses to give in to them. Will Dean ever let go of his sense of right and wrong and give them a shot or will he lose Jensen before he has a chance to see how perfect they are for each other?
Previous Chapters: Found Here

-~*~-
Part Ten:
You Were Never Meant to Belong to Me
-~*~-

Sam is awake by the time they are allowed to enter the hospital room but he still looks groggy and a little out of it. This matters little to Dean, he is just so damn relieved to see his brother’s eyes open. Despite the whole ordeal he just went through and the fact that he obviously wants nothing more than to sleep Sam offers them a smile the moment he sees them.

Dean tries not to let on that anything is amiss aside from the fact that Sam has worried and scared the crap out of both Jensen and himself. Sam seems to chalk up the tension between the two men to this fact and Dean is very grateful for that. The last thing Sam needs to worry about is Dean and Jensen and their screwed up relationship. Though, to be fair, it has always been kind of rocky, so it really shouldn’t be so surprising.

The subject is bound to come up eventually of course, Jensen plans to leave them once the hunt is over, and they can’t keep Sam ignorant forever. Dean would prefer to hold off on that particular conversation for as long as possible though, and one glance in Jensen’s direction tells him Jensen is on the same page. Sam needs to focus on getting better right now and nothing else.

“Hey,” Sam says, voice a bit rough and laced with exhaustion.

“A suicide attempt is a bit too emo, don’t you think? Even for you,” Dean says, keeping his voice light, as he takes a seat on the chair at Sam’s bedside.

Sam’s face flushes, not with shame, they all know he didn’t do it of his own free will, but the reality that he could’ve died had he not been found in time settles over him heavily. Dean tries to chase the image of Sam lying unconscious with an empty bottle of pain pills out of his head but he hasn’t quite been able to manage it since the moment they arrived at the hospital and the staff whisked his brother away. It is an image that very well may haunt him for months to come; he never wants to see his brother like that again.

Both of them know the risks of course, their line of work is known to be dangerous and anything can go wrong at any given time, but Dean will never get used to seeing his brother hurt. It is the only downside of what they do. He can’t imagine hunting without Sam, but sometimes he wishes he could get Sam out of this, just so he’d know his brother was safe. On the other hand though he might be more worried, because at least he can watch his brother’s back when they’re on a hunt.

“Our spirit was a woman, she appeared to me,” Sam says softly. “One minute I’m hanging up the phone and the next she’s standing in front of me. She didn’t speak but I could hear her voice in my head and then the next thing I know I’m picking up a bottle of pills, only I wasn’t doing it. It was like I possessed or something, I could see what I was doing, knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t even speak.”

“That’s what I don’t get,” Dean says after a moment. “Why would the ghost target you?”

“Maybe because I figured it all out and was going to stop her,” Sam says with a slight shrug, looking as lost as Dean and Jensen.

“I think I found what you did,” Jensen finally speaks, moving to stand beside Sam. “It was about Luella Wilmington right? The woman who was murdered by her unfaithful husband.”

Sam gives them both a relieved expression. “Yeah that’s what I was trying to tell you before she attacked me. I’m glad you were able to figure it out on your own.”

“Yeah I know I’m not as good as you but I figured I’d try to figure out what it was you were trying to tell us. I didn’t want to leave when we still had no word on how you were doing but the distraction kind of helped keep my mind off it,” Jensen says softly, looking at Sam with sad eyes. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”

Sam nods his head in understanding before his eyes narrow. “Wait a minute, you went back there? You didn’t go alone, did you?”

“He was fine Sam,” Dean speaks up, squirming uncomfortably in his chair. He hadn’t exactly been in the right state of mind when he let Jensen go off alone and he regretted it the moment he realized what he let the other man do. There wasn’t much he could do after that though, so he just anxiously paced, waiting on a call from Jensen to let him know he was okay and for the doctor to come out and tell him how his brother was doing. That hour and a half had been one of the most nerve-wracking in Dean’s life.

“And we’re lucky for that,” Sam snaps. “You realize what could’ve happened to him? What were you thinking letting him go there alone? You know better than that Dean.”

“Look, don’t blame him Sam, okay? Finding you like that wasn’t easy on him, he was really worried about you,” Jensen shares a look with Dean as he gently says this. “Besides, I’m fine, so arguing about this isn’t helping anyone. Not to mention the last thing you need to be doing is getting yourself worked up. Just focus on getting better man.”

After a moment of stubborn silence where Sam glares at them both he lets out a sigh and gives a reluctant nod of his head. “Guess it is pointless to argue over something that’s already been done. Just, don’t do something like that again, okay?” He settles down a little more after Jensen agrees, body practically melting into the uncomfortable hospital bed, fighting to keep his eyes open. “So, what now? Did the doctor say when I can leave? Got a hunt to finish after all.”

“Doc says you’re gonna be fine but you still need to give your body time to recover,” Dean says with a firm look on his face, letting his brother know he expects Sam to do exactly that. “And don’t try to tell me you don’t need it ‘cause you look exhausted man. What you need is to get some rest, don’t worry about anything else. I’ve got the hunt covered; all that’s left is to burn the bitch anyway. And yes I already know where‘s she‘s buried.”

“You already located her grave?” Sam asks, voice getting slower and slightly slurred as drowsiness steadily takes over.

“Yeah I already know where she’s buried. I plan to go tonight,” Dean replies as he kicks his feet up onto Sam’s bed and makes himself comfortable. “Now get some sleep Sasquatch, you need it.”

For once, Sam doesn’t argue, just lets his eyes slide closed and he is asleep almost immediately. Silence engulfs the room after this, Dean and Jensen avoiding any and all eye contact as they settle in to wait until nightfall, both lost in their thoughts.

:0Ж0:

Salting and burning Luella’s remains turns out to be a piece of cake, which Dean is extremely grateful for. He has to dig up the grave himself, which pretty much sucks, but he gets the job done without a problem. It almost seems too easy in fact. He isn’t going to complain, hell no he isn’t, but he plans to stop by the hotel anyway just to be sure.

Once he is done filling in the grave and padding the dirt down tight he makes his way back to the Impala and drops the shovel into the trunk, along with the lighter fluid and salt. The drive back to the hotel only takes about fifteen minutes and once he reaches a deserted hall he pulls out the EMF meter.

Checking the hotel from top to bottom he is satisfied when he doesn’t receive anything. Part of him is pleased that this hunt is officially over but another part just feels exhausted and down. Now that the hunt is over Jensen will be leaving them, and Dean knows he meant it, could see it plain as day in his eyes.

Releasing a heavy sigh Dean makes his way to their room and lets himself in, movements sluggish, like the weight of the world rests upon his shoulders. He drops down onto his bed and closes his eyes, resting his head in the palms of his hands. He feels absolutely disgusting, covered in grave dirt and pretty sure he smells like death right now, but he can’t bring himself to move and take a shower. All he can think about is what happened and how everything has turned out.

Jensen’s leaving them… leaving him. God, he never believed he would see the day when that would actually happen. Sure, he knew it was a possibility, Jensen’s strong but a person can only take so much heartbreak before they have to break away. Dean never actually thought it would happen though, that it would get so difficult for Jensen that he’d leave.

This isn’t settling right with Dean, if Jensen’s not here then Dean can’t protect him, but he doesn’t know if he can stop him from leaving. Actually he is pretty damn sure he can’t stop him.

He doesn’t like any of this one little bit but he also can’t blame Jensen for wanting to leave. The last thing he wants is to see him go but he can understand why Jen’s doing this. It isn’t fair, and though Dean knows he is to blame for the events that have taken place, he can’t be sure he would do anything different were he given the chance.

It is kind of hard to be in a relationship when you’re a hunter, is almost damn near impossible actually. This is a dangerous job, and you could be killed at any given moment. Getting involved with a hunter is never a good idea, Dean knows this, and getting involved with Jensen had been an unwise decision on both their parts. This is why Dean doesn’t do relationships, there is just too much hurt involved. He just couldn’t help himself where Jensen is concerned though.

Yeah, and look where that got you, a wry voice speaks up and he hates it for speaking the truth.

He doesn’t want to let Jensen go but… but just maybe it’s what is best for the both of them in the long run. He doesn’t truly believe this of course, but he tells himself that he has to. He and Jensen can’t be together, were possibly never meant to be, and Jensen will likely be happier settled down in a town and dating anyone that isn’t a hunter.

He hates the idea of Jensen being with anyone that isn’t him but he tells himself he needs to get used to it, Jensen deserves to be happy and Dean isn’t willing to let himself be with Jensen, so the only option he has is to let Jensen go. He knows that is going to be a hell of a lot harder than it sounds but he owes it to Jensen.

Realizing his thoughts are spinning around in useless circles, the decision has been made and it’s pointless to be thinking about this, he forces himself to get up and take a shower before heading back to the hospital.

:0Ж0:

Sam’s relief at being released from the hospital is obvious by the grin on his face and the impatient bouncing of his leg. It is a funny sight in Dean’s opinion, and it is good to see Sam smiling. His brother had been complaining non-stop and being a general pain in everyone’s ass. Not that Dean can blame him of course, the hospital staff had him on suicide watch after all and wouldn’t release him for a couple of days just to be sure he wouldn’t do a repeat the moment he was released. Dean couldn’t even sneak him out of the place.

He is able to leave now though, and now all they have to do is wait for all the paperwork to be drawn up. Jensen sits beside Sam on his bed, a soft smile on his face that is actually a bit sad if you look long enough to recognize it. Sam is too preoccupied by the fact that he’s being released to notice anything amiss with Jensen though. Dean is not looking forward to the upcoming conversation at all. Sam still doesn’t know that Jensen is going to San Diego on his own and Dean can just about imagine how his brother will take the news.

Jensen hadn’t wanted to say anything until Sam was released from the hospital and Dean had wholeheartedly agreed with that plan. Sam probably won’t be happy about being kept in the dark for so long, but Dean knows his brother isn’t going to be happy about this one way or the other, and really, he believes waiting to break the news was for the best.

“Oh man, I’ll be so glad to get out of this place,” Sam says with a relieved sigh as he shrugs on his jacket.

“Would’ve bailed you out long ago if we hadn’t had every nurse on staff breathing down our necks,” Dean replies with a cross between a smirk and a grimace on his face.

Dr. Monroe enters the room before Sam has the chance to respond and they all listen as she talks to Sam about seeing a therapist. It is clear that they all want to roll their eyes at this, his brother isn’t suicidal damnit, but the doctor doesn’t know that and it’s understandable that she’d think he was, so they all keep silent and pretend to agree with everything she says.

As soon as they are outside Sam takes a deep breath of fresh air and grins a bit goofily, dimples prominent in his face. It is a rare smile to see on his brother’s face and Dean likes it. His brother doesn’t smile nearly as often as he should these days.

“So, one of you going to tell me what’s going on?” Sam asks suddenly, shocking both Jensen and Dean into silence. Sam just rolls his eyes. “Come on, I’m not an idiot. You guys aren’t exactly being subtle; you’ve barely looked at each other since I woke up and you’re both edgy as hell around each other.”

“We’ll talk about this back at the hotel,” Dean says evasively and Sam frowns, eyeing both of them with critical eyes.

“No, I want to talk about this now,” he says stubbornly. “I’m not moving another inch until one of you tells me what’s going on.”

Jensen lets out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair, and attempts to give Sam a smile though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’ve decided to go down to San Diego and stay with a friend of mine,” he says softly, looking to Sam with pleading eyes, hoping he understands and doesn’t get too upset.

Sam just stares at Jensen for a long moment without saying anything, turning questioning eyes on Dean before looking at Jensen once more. “What?” he asks, a touch of disbelief in his voice.

“It wasn’t an easy decision, and not made in the spur of the moment, not really,” Jensen says, a hand rubbing at the back of his neck, showcasing his nerves. “I’d been thinking about it before, but it wasn’t till recently that I decided to actually do it.”

“Why are you doing this Jen, I just… I don’t understand.” Sam shakes his head and looks at Jensen like he has lost his mind. “I thought you two worked everything out and things were good between you. Why would you decide to leave now?”

Jensen takes a deep breath and obviously does his best to place a neutral expression on his face but it isn’t hard for Dean to see his heart is hurting. It just manages to make Dean feel like shit. “Dean and I decided it’d be best if we weren’t together.” That isn’t exactly true, Dean had decided for the both of them, Jensen just hadn’t fought him that hard on it.

It is obvious that Sam can’t believe what he is hearing, looking at Dean and Jensen like they have grown another head, but then his eyes quickly narrow and darken with suspicion. “Is this about what happened? Are you doing this because the ghost attacked me?” His voice grows in pitch with each word and Dean finds himself flinching, seeing Jensen do the same.

“We just realized what a bad idea it was that we started anything so we stopped it before it went any further.” Dean feels like a royal dick for saying this, it technically was his idea after all. Jensen didn’t want any of this, though he said he understood. Dean tells himself he made the right decision, even though it feels like he’s lying to himself. I’ll only break his heart, it’s the only thing I seem to know how to do.

“I can’t believe you two! You guys obviously belong together but you’re just too damn stubborn to allow it,” Sam says with a huff, eyes wide and annoyance clear on his face. “You can’t let this tear you apart, you’re only going to regret it.”

“I know you’re not happy about this Sam but I’ve made my decision,” Jensen says in a soft voice, a tiny smile on his face that looks sad and defeated. “This is what I have to do; I hope you can understand that.”

Sam just releases a heavy sigh and turns away from both of them, hands on his hips, staring at the ground. “I don’t wanna see you go Jen, this isn’t right.”

“You’ve got my email address and my cell number; I’ll even leave the address where I’ll be staying. You can call or write whenever you want to, in fact I hope you keep in contact,” Jensen says, reaching out to lay a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “I know you don’t want me to go but I have to Sam. Please try to understand.”

“You better keep in touch Jen, I’ll personally show up at your front door and kick your ass if you don’t.” Sam finally responds after a moment, turning around and pulling Jensen into a hug, embracing him tightly. Dean’s throat tightens at the scene in front of him and he has to look away. This isn’t right, Sam’s words repeat over and over in his head and he can’t deny that he agrees with his brother. Problem is, he’s not sure if he could convince Jensen to stay now, it may very well be too late.

:0Ж0:

In the parking lot of the Greyhound station Dean stands in front of the Impala with his brother, silently watching as Jensen buys his ticket. It all just feels so wrong to him, Jensen shouldn’t be leaving them. Dean knows he has no one to blame but himself though. He has pushed him away so much that Jensen feels he can’t stay with them any longer and deep down Dean hates himself for it.

He doesn’t want him to go, can’t stand the thought of looking in the rearview mirror and not seeing Jensen in the backseat, it just won’t be the same. Both he and Sam have gotten used to Jensen being around, he belongs with them whether they had wanted him to or not. We can’t let him get on that bus, and one look in Sam’s direction tells him that his brother is thinking the same thing.

Before he has made a conscious thought to do so Dean finds himself crossing the distance between Jensen and the Impala, confidence in his step even though that is the last thing he is feeling. Jensen nearly drops his ticket when he turns around and finds Dean standing there, and Dean would laugh at the wide eyed deer-caught-in-headlights expression on his face if anything about this moment were remotely funny.

Jensen fidgets nervously, shifting from one foot to the other, and isn’t quite able to meet Dean’s eyes. “I um, got my ticket,” he says needlessly as he shows it to Dean and then drops his hand back to his side. “My bus should be leaving soon.”

“You don’t have to go Jen,” Dean finally manages to say after clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. “I can understand why you’re leaving but you don’t have to… I don’t want you to.”

Jensen eyes soften as a sad smile climbs onto his face. “I don’t wanna go Dean, I need to,” he speaks softly. “I need to get over you, or at least reach the point where it doesn’t hurt so much, and that will never happen as long as I’m with you day in and day out.”

“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind is there?” This is more a statement than a question but Jensen shakes his head in response all the same.

“I need more than you can give me Dean,” Jensen says with a shrug that is supposed to be nonchalant but is more resigned than anything. “And I’m not going to be selfish, because I know Sam will always come first and I’m glad he does, but I can’t go back to the way things were before. I just can’t… and I hope you can understand that.”

Dean reluctantly nods his head. “I don’t like it, but I can understand.” A moment of silence passes before he softly says, “I’m gonna miss you Jen.”

Jensen just smiles a small and sad and pulls Dean in for a hug. “I’ll miss you too. You take care of yourself okay, be careful.”

“You too. Don’t forget what we’ve taught you, make sure to salt all the windows and doors, and a few protective symbols wouldn’t hurt either.”

Dean wants so badly to kiss Jensen one last time but he knows that is the last thing he should do, Jensen doesn’t need that. So he ignores the urge and steps out of the hug, feeling as though his heart is somewhere lodged in his throat and he can’t quite breathe properly.

He watches silently as Jensen makes his way over to where Sam still stands at the Impala and pulls him into a brief but tight hug. Sam sends Dean a glare over Jensen’s shoulder, obviously blaming him for this. Which he should, Dean acknowledges with a bitter taste in his mouth.

“You let us know once you’ve made it there safely,” Sam says firmly though he is unable to hide the concern and sadness in his eyes.

Sam has always been the sensitive one, unable to hide his emotions as well as Dean or their dad, and this is obviously eating him up inside. He has grown rather fond of Jensen, same as Dean, but Sam bonded with Jensen in a different way than Dean did.

“I’ll call as soon as I’m settled in, I promise,” Jensen responds softly, a small smile on his face.

Silence descends upon the trio, leaving them to stare uncomfortably at each other, knowing there is so much to say, that needs to be said, but unable to find the words.

After another minute of this torture Jensen clears his throat, hitches his duffle bag strap up higher on his shoulder and tries to offer them a smile. “I should get going, but… just keep in touch okay, let me know you guys are alright.”

“Yeah, of course we will,” Sam says, voice tight and eyes shining with emotion. “Make sure to do the same though.”

Jensen just nods before turning his attention to Dean, he doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t have to, so much is said just within his gaze that words are unneeded. He doesn’t say goodbye, it is obviously too much for him, and part of Dean is glad because he doesn’t know if he could’ve handled hearing those words, it’s just too final. Jensen just turns and walks away; glancing back once he has reached the bus.

With a final wave, he climbs the steps onto the bus and Sam and Dean are left to watch it drive away, their hearts as heavy as the silence between them. They stand there together long after the bus disappears from sight, neither of them even attempting to get into the Impala. Jensen hasn’t even been gone for five minutes but already it feels like too long. He became such a big part of their lives that not having him here now just doesn’t feel right.

“You just made the biggest mistake of your life,” Sam says matter-of-factly and Dean believes he may be right but he doesn’t say this.

“Come on,” Dean says in a rough tone of voice, doing his damnedest to hide how he’s really feeling and act like he hadn’t just ripped his own heart out by letting Jensen get on that bus. “We need to put some miles between us and this damn town.”

Sam doesn’t move though, just looks at Dean in disbelief, disappointment and anger warring on his face. “I can’t believe you. You just chased away the best thing that’s ever happened to you and all you can say is ‘we need to get back on the road’? You’re seriously not gonna go after him?”

“He’s better off in San Diego Sam, with friends and a stable home, not on the road with hunters where every day is unpredictable and he could be hurt at any given moment. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t like this but we need to think about him, this is no life for him,” Dean says, frustration leaking through in his voice as he runs a hand through his hair, wishing he could believe his own words.

“Yeah but you’re not thinking about him, you’re thinking about you,” Sam says accusingly, a glare fixed firmly on Dean, disapproving. “That man loves you but you’re too damn stubborn to let yourself be happy. You’re okay with letting him be miserable though, that much has been obvious all along.”

Dean can’t stop himself from growling. Damn it but the truth does hurt! He realizes he is being a bit selfish and more than a little cowardly, and damn if Sam isn’t good at shoving the truth in his face in a way that it hurts really bad, makes him hate himself more than he already does. He should be going after Jensen, apologizing on his knees if that’s what it takes, but Sam knows just as well as he does that he isn’t going to do that.

“You’re gonna lose him Dean,” Sam says, sad and soft. There’s sympathy in his eyes but disappointment is there as well. “Is that what you want?”

“Get in the car Sam,” is Dean’s response, pointed and sharp, an end to the discussion.

Sam lets out a sigh but doesn’t say anything else, just drops heavily into the passenger seat and refuses to look at his brother. They head in the opposite direction of the bus and Dean keeps his eyes focused intently on the road, hands clenched tightly on the wheel as he grits his teeth.

This is the way it was meant to end, he tells himself, he’s better off without me.

It might take a while but eventually he just might make himself believe that.

.The End.

A/N: I know you all probably hate me right now for ending it this way but I promise that I have a sequel in the works. I'll post the first chapter whenever it is beta'd and ready to go.

Personal Journal

2009-09-09T07:19:23Z

Hey,

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've created a personal journal so this one will be used strictly for my writing and none of my annoying personal life lol. If you want to know me beyond my writing than you are more than welcome to friend my personal journal but obviously it's not necessary if you only friended me in the first place for my writing. :o) All I'll use my other journal for is personal stuff, I might talk about fandom here and there and give updates as to how my writing is coming along, but I won't be posting any of my stories there.

My personal journal can be found here: wicket79

Divided We Fall: 9/10

2009-09-02T21:46:12Z

Title: Divided We Fall
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: wickedsome
Fandom: SPN/RPS
Pairing: Dean/Jensen
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment. This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Jensen has become an addition to Sam and Dean's life on the road, fitting in like he always belonged there. He just so happens to be in love with Dean and these feelings are reciprocated but Dean refuses to give in to them. Will Dean ever let go of his sense of right and wrong and give them a shot or will he lose Jensen before he has a chance to see how perfect they are for each other?
Previous Chapters: Found Here

-~*~-
Part Nine:
Can’t Breathe Without You… But I Have To
-~*~-

Sam is placed on a gurney the moment they enter the emergency room. Jensen just stands there frozen beside Dean, staring at a pristine white door, wanting nothing more than to be able to go back there with the younger hunter. Dean hasn’t said a word, just staring blankly a head of him, and that worries Jensen. He isn’t quite sure what to say to Dean to make him feel better though so Jensen keeps his mouth shut.

A nurse with kind eyes and a sympathetic smile approaches them and asks Dean to fill out some paperwork on Sam. Dean moves mechanically, taking the papers without a word and then moving to sit on one of the chairs closest to him. Jensen follows quietly, taking the seat next to Dean. He doesn’t seem too keen on saying anything to Jensen, much less look at him, so Jensen stays quiet and stares blankly at the door Sam disappeared behind.

Dean silently finishes filling out the forms and then gives them to the nurse. He doesn’t return to his seat, opting to pace restlessly in front of the vending machines. Jensen is becoming a little impatient, wondering and worrying about what is wrong with Sam. He had asked Dean in the car but the hunter was focused on getting to the hospital and nothing else so Jensen figured that little bit of information would have to wait. Jensen can only be patient for so long however, and he needs to know what Dean knows.

He stands up slowly, silently approaching the distraught man, but Dean hardly acknowledges his presence. Dean worries his lower lip with a thoughtful expression on his face, pained and frustrated, fast approaching angry. It doesn’t take a genius to know this is case related, the spirit they’re dealing with obviously got to Sam. Jensen doesn’t have a clue why it would go after Sam of all people but right now that is the least of their problems.

“What happened Dean?” Jensen asks quietly, keeping his voice low so only Dean can hear him.

At the sound of Jensen’s voice Dean stops his pacing, his eyes clearing for the first time since they entered the hospital, and he just stares at Jensen for a long moment. Letting out a soft curse he turns on his heel and heads out of the hospital, one glance over his shoulder telling Jensen to follow him.

Jensen meets up with him outside, off to the side of the building where no one is coming and going and they are free to talk without anyone eavesdropping they people are wont to do while at a hospital. He isn’t sure he’ll ever understand why people do that, it’s very rude now that he thinks about it.

“I found him slumped over on his side on the floor beside the bed, an empty bottle of Aspirin in his hand,” Dean says with a shaky breath and an equally shaky hand that he runs through his hair, rubbing at the back of his neck. His eyes are distant and pained and all Jensen wants to do is reach out and offer him some comfort but he isn’t sure that gesture would be well received right now. It is hard to tell with Dean sometimes. “I tried to wake him up but…”

Dean doesn’t have to finish that sentence, Jensen knows what he is saying and the mental picture isn’t a pretty one. He is well aware how fiercely protective Dean is of his brother and there’s not a doubt in Jensen’s mind that Dean tearing himself up inside for this. This isn’t his fault of course, he certainly isn’t to blame for what has happened, but Dean wouldn’t believe that. Even Sam wouldn’t be able to convince Dean that this isn’t his fault.

Jensen reaches out to lay a hand on Dean’s shoulder, wanting to comfort him in any way he can, but Dean shrugs his hand off and starts pacing once more. Jensen lets his hand drop, trying not to be upset over Dean’s reaction, knowing how distraught the hunter is right now. He knew any sign of comfort wouldn’t be taken willingly anyway, that is just how Dean works when it comes to Sam being hurt.

“We have to find the sonofabitch that did this Jen, I ain’t even fuckin’ around. We need to torch this bitch,” Dean says, speaking to Jensen but sounding as though he is just thinking out loud.

Jensen finds it extremely disconcerting how Dean can hardly look at him, much less in his eyes, before quickly turning away once more. There is an unnamed emotion in his green irises that sets Jensen on edge as well. He knows if he could just look long enough he’d be able to recognize it but part of him is afraid to delve too deep, fearing he won’t like what he discovers.

For now he is content to just watch Dean pace and mutter to himself. Well no, he isn’t content, he hates seeing Dean beat himself up and he wants to help even though he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t exactly want to think about what he saw in the hunter’s eyes either though. This day is just fucked up, he thinks to himself. Everything started out so well this morning, he figures he should’ve known something would come along to ruin it. Now Sam lies somewhere in this hospital, unconscious and who knows what kind of state he is in, and Jensen just feels helpless and lost.

Jensen watches as Dean mutters to himself about finishing the hunt, finding the bitch that hurt his brother and killing the fucker. They both know he won’t leave the hospital though, especially when they still don’t have any word on Sam’s condition. He will likely be reluctant to leave even once they know if Sam will be okay. Jensen refuses to believe any different though, Sam will be okay, he has to be. No matter how many times he tells himself this however the fear gripping him only tightens its grasp.

“I can go back to the hotel and do some research,” Jensen offers, knowing it is unlikely Dean will let him go, especially after what happened to Sam, but figures he should throw the idea out there all the same. “I can try to figure out what Sam found and see if I can figure out what’s going on. I might not be as good as Sam but I’m sure it couldn’t hurt for me to do a little digging.”

Dean doesn’t say anything for the longest time, just bites his lip and refuses to look at Jensen. Jensen lets out a sigh when he tries to catch Dean’s eyes for what feels like the hundredth time and fails once again.

Eventually Dean pulls the keys to the Impala out of his pocket and tosses them to Jensen, who is surprised because he didn’t think Dean would actually let him go but he does his best to keep it off his face. Not that it’d matter of course, Dean is still refusing to look at him.

“Don’t stay there too long,” he says in a rough voice before turning and walking back into the hospital without a backward glance, leaving Jensen to stand there and watch him walk away.

:0Ж0:

Jensen enters the hotel room with trepidation in his heart, his eyes immediately falling onto the empty pill bottle on the floor and the bottle of whiskey on the nightstand with the cap twisted off. Dean either forgot to mention the alcohol or hadn’t noticed it, which isn’t very likely since the hunter has very keen eyes.

Tearing his eyes away he makes a beeline for the laptop open on the table and takes a seat in front of it, trying not to look behind him. Pulling a notebook closer to him, he quickly recounts everything they have learned so far.

From what they know a couple of them were either married or in a relationship and cheating with someone of the same gender, that seems to be a running pattern but not substantial enough. It is however the best lead they got because they weren’t able to find a whole lot about the other victims, being from different states made it difficult for Sam and Dean to find out much about them. They didn’t seem to have any reason to kill themselves though.

As for Kelly Hamiliton though, she wasn’t in a relationship, as far as anyone knows, so she obviously hadn’t been cheating. She was the only one that seemed to have a shitty life though, so for her to actually commit suicide isn’t too hard to believe. Erik and Ron had both been cheating, the only ones they know for sure that had been unfaithful.

Maybe it isn’t just about them being unfaithful, Jensen considers in silence, a thoughtful look on his face as he tries to paste the pieces together. Maybe the spirit is going after anyone unfaithful or gay.

That seems a little more likely, it is quite possible both had happened to the spirit and now it has a grudge against unfaithful husbands and wives along with gay people in general. It is just a theory of course, but one worth looking into nonetheless.

Jensen signs onto the internet when an idea comes to mind, deciding to look into the history of the hotel and any building that may have been here before the hotel was built. Maybe if he digs deep enough he will be able to find the first death to occur here, and maybe something will jump out at him. It is a long shot, and he isn’t too positive that he knows what he is doing, it feels like he is grasping at straws more than anything. He sort of knows what he’s looking for though and he can only hope he finds whatever he is searching for.

He hasn’t forgotten the fact that Sam had apparently found something before his forced suicide attempt, something probably vital to the hunt, so he decides to check the browser history before searching blind around the internet.

After an undetermined amount of time he finally finds something that looks promising, an article on a murder that occurred back in the fall of ‘43, in a house that used to stand where the hotel was built years later. Jensen reads through the article with sharp eyes, taking in every word and he doesn’t know how he knows but he is positive that this is what they have been searching for. This young woman, Luella Wilmington, is their spirit. Jensen is sure of it.

He quickly jots down every important piece of information down onto a piece of paper, his writing looking more like chicken scratch. He isn’t too concerned by this, figuring he can fill Dean in on everything, which is what he will likely do anyway. He feels weird in this room alone though, it wasn’t long after Sam found this information that he took a bottle of painkillers after all. Jensen doesn’t want to stay here any longer than he has to.

The sound of his cell phone suddenly ringing in the silent room makes him jump and he curses softly, willing his heart rate to return to a regular rhythm as he checks the screen and finds Dean’s name.

“Damnit Jensen don’t you know how to pick up a phone?” Dean asks in obvious irritation the moment Jensen answers his phone. “I’ve been waiting for you to call me for over an hour now, least you could’ve done was let me know you were alright.”

“I think I may’ve found what Sam was trying to tell us about,” Jensen says without preamble, ignoring Dean’s irritation, though he’s willing to acknowledge it isn’t unfounded. He quickly powers down the laptop and tears out the page from the notebook, pulling out the car keys as he heads to the door.

Dean lets out a rush of air, a mixture of relief and left over irritation, but when he speaks he sounds a little calmer than before. “Good, now get your ass back here, I don’t like you being there alone. If you don’t call me in five minutes to let me know you made it out of the hotel okay I’m gonna come there, even if I have to fuckin’ hitchhike there.”

It warms his heart to hear this, to know Dean cares, because he will admit it kind of hurt when Dean let him come here without an argument. He doesn’t say anything about it though, just agrees to call in five minutes and then hangs up the phone. He quickly leaves the room and walks as fast as he can, feeling very unsafe all of a sudden. The feeling of ‘something’ closing in on him disappears the moment he steps outside though and he finds he can breathe a little easier.

:0Ж0:

Jensen finds Dean waiting for him outside the hospital so he quickly finds a parking spot and jogs over to where Dean sits. Dean looks him over, as though needing to see with his own eyes that he is okay, and then the tension drains out of him once he is reassured.

Dean clears his throat as he stands up and motions for Jensen to follow him. They make their way over to a secluded spot and take a seat on the curb. Jensen hands back the keys to the Impala as he pulls out the paper he wrote on before he left the hotel, handing that to Dean as well.

Dean is perfectly capable of reading and figuring it out on his own but Jensen decides to explain everything anyway, needing that interaction, simply because Dean is back to refusing to meet his eyes and the tension is just mounting between them. Jensen doesn’t like it, one little bit, but he doesn’t know how to fix it either.

“Apparently they were your every day happy couple, everyone that knew them said they’d never seen two people more in love with each other,” he says quietly.

“Yeah well obviously appearances are deceiving,” Dean responds with a derisive snort, disgust plain to see on his face. “She loved him but those feelings weren’t reciprocated anymore.”

Jensen nods in agreement, a little sad for the woman but remembering what she has done to Sam quickly quells that feeling. “He was cheating on her with another man and when she found out about it she was going to leave him. Times were different back then though, two men together was just unacceptable, so he needed her as a cover.”

“Guess it pissed him off when she refused to be his beard,” Dean says with a shake of his head, obviously fighting his own feelings of sympathy for Luella and anger at her for what she’s done to his brother.

“Enough to kill her and bury her body in the basement,” Jensen says, disgust coloring his tone. “Makes sense that she’d go after anyone unfaithful or gay but why attack Sam?”

That’s the burning question. It just doesn’t make any sense that she’d try to kill Sam. He is neither gay nor been unfaithful.

“Guess it doesn’t really matter anymore,” Dean says with a murderous look in his eyes as he crumples up the paper and rises to his feet. “I’m gonna go find out where this bitch is buried then salt and burn her ass before she hurts anyone else.”

“You can’t burn her remains until nightfall.”

“Of course I’m gonna wait until dark, I know how to do my job Jensen,” Dean growls angrily and it quickly shuts Jensen up. “I’m just gonna go find her grave and then I’ll go back tonight.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply that you didn’t know how to do your job,” Jensen says as he reaches out to take Dean’s hand in his own, entwining their fingers as he smiles softly.

Dean only looks more agitated by this open display though as he almost violently dislodges Jensen’s hand from his own and takes a step back. He closes his eyes and runs a palm down the length of his face wearily. All Jensen can do is stand back and watch him silently, feeling something very wrong is going on and deep down knowing this is the end.

“I can’t do this Jen, I just can’t,” Dean says, sounding so worn down and defeated.

“Do what?” Jensen asks quietly, even though he is pretty sure he knows where Dean is going with this. He needs to hear Dean say the words though. It will hurt, no doubt, but he needs to hear the words.

“What happened between us… it was great, felt great, but we’re both fooling ourselves if we think we could have that.” Dean sounds self-deprecating and bitter. He has always believed he wasn’t allowed anything good in his life and, once again, that belief has been strengthened. “It was, it was a mistake, and we can’t let it happen again.”

Jensen can only blink for a moment, knowing his heart is being ripped out but unable to feel it. He feels detached from the situation and too numb to feel the pain he is undoubtedly feeling. “You don’t mean that,” he says in denial, unwilling to believe Dean actually means it.

Dean finally turns that defeated gaze on him, meeting his eyes finally and, ironically, all Jensen wants is for Dean to look away again. He can’t deny what he sees in that gaze, eyes that have already said goodbye in a sense, and Jensen feels as though his breath is stuck in his throat.

“Don’t I?” Dean raises his voice, painted with anger, hiding any pain he is feeling. Jensen knows he is hurting, that much is obvious, but he also knows how stubborn Dean Winchester is. Nothing can change his mind now, least of all Jensen. “None of this would’ve happened if I had just answered my phone when it rang instead of…”

He doesn’t finish that sentence but he doesn’t have to, they both know what he decided to do instead of answer his phone. He spent that time with Jensen, made love to him while Sam was leaving a message on the voicemail. Dean obviously won’t let that go, will let it fester and eat at him until the guilt nearly undoes him. It makes Jensen feel extremely guilty too, there’s no way it can’t. If they had just answered the phone, maybe they could have gotten to Sam in time. No, we would’ve gotten to him in time, he corrects himself, guilt piling up even more just at the thought.

“Sam comes first, he always has. I have to protect him, that’s my main priority. I got selfish, thought I could have this, have you, and look what happened to Sammy.” There are tears in Dean’s eyes that he refuses to let fall and it hits Jensen like a sledgehammer, all that guilt Dean is carrying descends upon Jensen with the force of a tidal wave. And though he wants to be upset at Dean for giving up on them so quickly, he just can’t. He knows how much Sam means to Dean, the fact that he got hurt because they were too busy with each other to think of anything else is tearing Dean into little tiny pieces, and Jensen right along with him.

Jensen is feeling guilty as hell over what happened to Sam, knowing they could have prevented it, but he is also hurt because he knows he is losing Dean, has already lost him. They had one great night and morning together, but that is all they will have.

“I can’t allow that to happen again, won’t let it be a possibility,” Dean says with some true regret in his voice this time around, looking at Jensen sadly but not backing down. “I’m sorry Jen, you know I care about you, but Sammy is my top priority and that isn’t going to change. I have to look out for him, make sure he doesn’t get hurt, especially because of something I do. You and I just can’t be together.”

Jensen takes a deep breath, willing his tears to stay at bay, trying to reign in his emotions and not break down in front of Dean. “I understand,” he forces himself to say as calmly as possible. Dean seems taken aback by this but kind of relieved at the same time, Jensen can’t stop himself from giving a bittersweet smile in return. “I’m not happy about this, and I think your making a mistake, but I understand why you’re doing this so I won’t argue with you. Sam comes first, I’ve always known this, and I don’t expect any less. But…”

Dean swallows audibly when Jensen trails off and doesn’t open his mouth to continue that sentence. “But what?” he asks almost hesitantly.

“I can’t do this anymore Dean,” Jensen says, defeat in his own tone this time around. He has tried, God knows he’s tried, but it is just too damn hard, especially now after he’s been with Dean. He can’t give that up now that he’s had a taste of what he knows he’s being denied, can’t just settle back into the way things were before. “It can’t go back to the way it was before, I don’t have the strength for it.”

Dean tears his eyes away, gazing intently off into the distance at nothing in particular as he bites his bottom lip, nearly drawing blood. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Dean still doesn’t look at him as he says this, more of a statement than a question. “Where are you gonna go?”

“I’ve got a friend down by San Diego, she said I could stay with her before so I’m sure the offer’s still on the table,” Jensen answers in a subdued tone as he stuffs his hands in his pockets.

“You don’t have to do this Jen, you don’t have to leave.” Dean sounds almost pleading as he steps closer to Jensen, reaching out but stopping just shy of Jensen’s arm, a torn expression on his face as he drops his hand back at his side and clenches it into a fist.

Jensen just smiles ruefully and wipes away a tear before it has the chance to fall. “Yeah I do.”

“I can’t change your mind, can I?” Dean asks with a heavy sigh, reaching up to rub at his eyes but those sad green irises never leave Jensen’s face, silently pleading with him to reconsider.

Jensen just stares at him for a moment, his heart breaking a little more in his chest as he shakes his head and starts heading in the direction of the hospital. “Come on, lets go wait for word on Sam.”

The silence behind him is confirmation that Dean isn’t following but Jensen doesn’t turn around as he walks away.

-~*~-
Next Chapter
-~*~-

Divided We Fall: 8/10

2009-08-22T01:04:44Z

Title: Divided We Fall
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: wickedsome
Fandom: SPN/RPS
Pairing: Dean/Jensen
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment. This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Jensen has become an addition to Sam and Dean's life on the road, fitting in like he always belonged there. He just so happens to be in love with Dean and these feelings are reciprocated but Dean refuses to give in to them. Will Dean ever let go of his sense of right and wrong and give them a shot or will he lose Jensen before he has a chance to see how perfect they are for each other?
Previous Chapters: Found Here

-~*~-
Part Eight:
Calm Before the Storm
-~*~-

The bright sunlight leaking through a crack in the curtains is what slowly wakes Jensen and he quickly finds himself alone in bed. This isn’t altogether surprising but that doesn’t mean he isn’t disappointed. He doesn’t even have to cast his eyes around the room to know that Dean isn’t here, Jensen can feel his absence deep inside.

Releasing a sigh, he throws an arm over his eyes and licks his lips, wondering if he should start planning for damage control now. He had let everything go last night, wanted to be with Dean so badly that he couldn’t bring himself to care where it would leave them in the end. Now that is all he can think about though and he’s worried about how Dean feels about everything.

Will the hunter go running for the hills now? Will things be tense and awkward between them, shattered beyond repair? He certainly hopes not, he’d like to at least salvage their relationship from the wreckage, but Jensen has never been an optimist and he can’t help feeling that they’re headed for a hard fall.

He has wanted Dean for so long that it feels as though he has always wanted him. But in light of possibly losing Dean, his friendship, Jensen has to wonder if it was even worth it. It isn’t worth losing him, he tells himself silently. The damage has been done however and there is no going back, they will just have to deal with the aftermath and hope this hasn’t completely ruined the easy friendship they’ve built.

Considering how hard Dean has been fighting his own feelings and pushing Jensen away he figures the hunter will likely regret what transpired between them last night. It seems too easy for one night to change everything for the better, Jensen has never been that lucky. He hates the idea of Dean regretting what happened but he must admit it wouldn’t be unexpected.

Plus Jensen has woken up alone; there is no denying what that could possibly mean. The sheets on Dean’s side of the bed are cold so it leaves to question how long the hunter has been gone. Did he leave in the middle of the night or early this morning? Is he freaking out now and will he even be able to look Jensen in the eye after what they did?

Jensen just doesn’t know and it’s setting his nerves on edge.

Throwing an arm over the side of the bed he feels around for his boxers and then quickly slips them on. All he wants to do is lie there and not move for a good long while but he has dried cum on his stomach and it’s starting to itch so he forces his resisting body to sit up and then slowly makes his way into the adjoining bathroom.

Once he’s cleaned himself off he returns to the bedroom and takes a seat on the mattress, releasing a heavy sigh as he does. As he’s trying to come up with a good way to start the conversation he knows they can’t avoid he is startled when he hears a key in the door and a second later Dean enters the room.

They stare at each other for a few beats of a second, each frozen in place, awkward tension building in the air between them. Jensen’s eyes slowly drift down to the take-out bag and cups of coffee in Dean’s hand, his mind slowly putting two and two together.

“You got breakfast,” he says needlessly and Dean nods in response.

This isn’t out of the ordinary, Dean or Sam is likely to grab breakfast since they are awake before Jensen is, so this doesn’t really give him anything to go on. He still doesn’t know if Dean is freaking out over the whole thing and Dean isn’t offering him anything to go on either, just staring at him with unreadable eyes.

Dean clears his throat after a moment and finally steps closer to the bed, putting the food and coffee down on the table as he passes it. “I figured you might be hungry when you woke up so I went to get us something to eat.”

“And it gave you a moment to clear your head,” Jensen says knowingly and Dean tries to shrug casually but there’s a sheepish expression on his face that tells Jensen he hit the nail on the head. Dean can be rather predictable at times.

“I needed the time to get my thoughts in order,” he says as takes a seat on the edge of the mattress, staring hard at the far wall.

“Is this where you tell me last night was a mistake and it shouldn’t happen again?” Jensen asks, not that he wants to, but he needs to know how Dean is feeling.

“It crossed my mind, I’ll admit,” Dean replies with a humorless chuckle but his eyes are bright when he finally looks at Jensen and the look on his face is encouraging, which Jensen definitely hadn’t been expecting. “But it wasn’t a mistake, could never be. I don’t… I’m still not sure I’m all that comfortable with this, but I could be eventually, and I know I can’t give you up now. I can’t go back to just being friends, it’ll never be enough.”

Jensen finds himself afraid to breathe, to move, lest this be a dream and the slightest movement will wake him up. This just seems too good to be true; things just don’t work out this way for him. It’s too easy; this can’t be that easy for them. But, then again, what if it is? Could it really be this easy for them? Jensen desperately wants it to be but he’s not sure he can trust it. Something always comes along to ruin everything good that happens to him… nothing comes without a price. It never has before anyway.

“You’re serious about this? I mean, yesterday you were freaking out and telling me nothing could happen and now you want us to be together, see if it works out.” Part of Jensen believes he shouldn’t question it, should just go with the flow and be happy that Dean finally seems to have gotten over his issues and is willing to try. But Jensen stands to have his heart broken if this blows up in their faces, he isn’t sure he could handle it if Dean decided he really couldn’t get over physical appearances.

“I know it seems crazy and it’s hard to believe, but yeah, I really do want to try to make this work. I… I care about you Jen, and to be honest I’m tired of fighting this, don’t even want to anymore. We both want this and I don’t want to hurt you anymore, hurt myself. I’m not good at relationships but I’d regret not at least trying.”

Dean barely has the last word out of his mouth before Jensen throws himself at him and presses their lips together. This effectively shuts Dean up as he melts into the kiss, parting his lips and granting Jensen access to his mouth. Their tongues slide sensually together as Jensen slides his fingers into Dean’s hair but Dean pulls out of the kiss, making Jensen groan in protest.

“Come on, breakfast’s gonna get cold,” Dean says with a knowing smirk as he gets off the bed and heads to the table.

:0Ж0:

Jensen grins when Dean exits the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a towel held loosely around his waist, water dripping from his hair and sliding down his bare chest. Jensen tracks each droplet with his eyes, unconsciously biting his lip. Dean grins roguishly, wagging his eyebrows playfully as he drops down onto the bed next to Jensen and pulls him into a quick kiss. Jensen relishes the moment, enjoying the fact that Dean isn’t holding himself back.

He has to admit he wasn’t expecting this, had figured Dean would be a little more reluctant, a little more distant, at least at first. But Dean has completely thrown him for a loop, being so free with his affection, actually initiating kisses and seeming totally at ease. It just doesn’t seem like Dean, and maybe deep down he is fighting an inner war, but it is obvious that he’s trying and Jensen couldn’t be more grateful.

“Is this real?” Jensen asks a little breathlessly once he pulls back, looking at Dean in slight awe. It all just seems too good to be true. He certainly isn’t going to complain though, is just going to be happy and hope everything really is this easy.

Dean’s face scrunches up as he pulls away. “Come on Jen, don’t get mushy on me now,” he groans as he flops down onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes.

Jensen just smiles and shakes his head. Typical Dean, he thinks fondly. “You know, it’s still pretty early,” he says as he scoots closer to Dean on the bed, lowering his voice until it’s a bit hoarse and husky. “We still got the room until eleven, what do you say we make good use of the time we still have?”

The arm covering Dean’s eyes slowly lower, a definite smirk on the hunter’s face. “And what exactly do you have in mind?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Jensen says as his hand trails down Dean’s hip, slipping beneath the towel to touch his inner thigh. “I’m sure we can think of something.”

Dean quickly maneuvers Jensen onto his back, covering him with his still damp body, and with a flick of his wrist Jensen manages to get the towel, exposing Dean to Jensen’s hungry eyes for the second time. It still manages to suck his breath right out of his lungs, leaving him feeling lightheaded and flushed.

Dean’s phone rings suddenly in the quiet room but they both ignore it, leaving it to go to voicemail, in favor of getting their bodies reacquainted.

:0Ж0:

Jensen follows closely behind Dean as they make their way up to the next floor. The message Dean got earlier was from Sam, which wasn’t a surprise to either of them. The younger man had apparently found something he wanted to show them so as soon as they were dressed Jensen grabbed his duffle bag and they headed out of the room. Jensen doesn’t plan to spend another night there, knows he was stupid for getting his own room in the first place but can’t bring himself to regret it; he just spent an amazing night with Dean after all. They can’t leave Sam alone another night in this place though.

“Hey,” Jensen says, stopping Dean from moving any further. “You go and head up to Sam, I’m just gonna take the room key back to the front desk.”

Handing is duffle bag off to Dean he turns to head back the way he came and finds Shaun at the front desk. The man greets him with a small smile and a soft spoken “Good morning”, to which Jensen replies in kind. The guy seems nice enough, if not a bit sad, like he lost something significantly important in his life and doesn’t quite know how to live with himself anymore.

“I thought you were sharing a room with those two other guys you showed up with,” Shaun says with curiosity in his voice as he replaces the key with the rest.

“Erm, yeah I was, just… needed a little breathing space, ya know, at least for one night anyway,” Jensen answers as nonchalantly as he can, giving a shrug of his shoulders and a half smile.

Shaun just nods his head in understanding before returning to where he was leaning against the counter, staring off into space. Jensen knows he should head back upstairs, get filled in on what Sam found, but the man looks so damn sad that Jensen finds it difficult leaving him like this. The guy obviously needs someone to talk to and Jensen has always had a hard time walking away from someone in need.

He isn’t all that sure he can help Shaun, in fact he’s pretty sure there is nothing he can do, but sometimes just having someone listen to your problems can go a long way. Either way he’d feel terrible if he just walked away, especially when the guy looks so depressed. Besides, maybe whatever he has to say will help Sam and Dean in their hunt; it is worth a shot anyway.

“Look, not to seem nosy or anything, but, are you okay?” Jensen asks softly, not even having to try to place an earnest expression on his face, it just comes naturally.

The smile that comes to Shaun’s face is bittersweet and he lets out an almost inaudible sigh. “I haven’t told anyone, didn’t think they’d understand, but Ron was more than just my friend. He was… he was everything to me.”

Jensen had figured as much of course, Shaun is pretty lousy at hiding his feelings, and his co-workers would have to be blind not to see how much he obviously loved Ron. “You loved him,” Jensen states more than questions and Shaun just nods his head in agreement, not appearing too startled by the fact that Jensen obviously isn’t surprised by his admission.

“We kept our relationship a secret, for many reasons, but the main one was his wife.” There is shame in his voice as he says this but mostly just sadness, all consuming sorrow. “I never wanted to get involved with a married man, never planned it, but Ron was special… he made me feel good about myself, even though what we were doing should have given us every reason not to feel good. We both knew it was wrong, he was cheating and I was helping him do it, but I knew he loved me and I just couldn’t let him go. I’d never been in love with someone like that, never fell so hard before.”

Silence stretches out between them for a few moments; Jensen taking all of this in while the other man seemingly gathers his thoughts. Jensen doesn’t push for information, not just because it isn’t his place, but he can tell it isn’t easy for Shaun to talk about this.

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this, I don’t even know you but here I am telling you a secret I’ve never told another soul, not even my family,” his laugh is bitter as he shakes his head. “You know, he was going to leave his wife for me. I know that sounds like complete bullshit, married men never actually leave their wives for the person they’re cheating with. But he really was, had filed for a divorce and everything. He was so happy after he did that too, had told me that he wanted us to get a place together and share his life with me. I just… I can’t imagine why he’d kill himself, we had all these plans and he just… he threw them all away, left me here alone, and I just… I don’t know.”

All Jensen wants to do is reach across the counter and pull the guy into a hug. He just sounds so lost, so broken, that Jensen has the irrational urge to comfort him in any way he can. He can’t begin to imagine what the guy is going through but he is obviously hurting and Jensen finds it hard to watch.

Before he has the chance to do anything stupid like embarrass himself by hugging basically a stranger Dean comes barreling down the stairs with an unconscious Sam in his arms. Jensen is struck frozen in spot as he takes in the scene in front of him, Dean’s eyes wide with panic while Sam lies limply in his arms.

“We need to get to the hospital, NOW!” Dean says in a commanding tone of voice that does nothing to hide his sheer panic and Jensen jumps into action right away, pulling the keys to the Impala out of Dean’s pocket and racing out of the hotel, Dean hot on his heels.

-~*~-
Next Chapter
-~*~-

Maude Adams Lane: Master Post

2009-08-11T00:17:42Z

Title: Maude Adams Lane
Author: dying_sacrifice
Beta: kazminka
Art: lenyia
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Drama, Romance
Warnings: Character Death (not Jensen or Jared)
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Summary: Over the course of one summer seventeen year old Jared Padalecki learned what it meant to love someone with his whole heart and soul, and he believed it was the kind of relationship that would last forever. But when the summer came to a close the miles placed between them slowly separated them. Will these two lovers find their way back to one another, even though ten years have come to pass?

Part One ll Part Two ll Part Three ll Part Four ll Part Five

Part Six ll Part Seven ll Part Eight ll Part Nine ll Part Ten

Part Eleven ll Epilogue

Art Master Post

Maude Adams Lane: Epilogue

2009-08-11T00:15:04Z

-~*~-
Epilogue
-~*~-

September 23rd, 2009

The sun is shining brightly in Jared’s eyes when he awakens and finds himself alone in their king size bed. A low groan is released before he can suppress it as he turns over onto his side, away from the blinding sunshine, and he reaches out to touch the sheets where his lover slept. They are still warm to the touch so he knows he hasn’t been alone for too long.

He stretches his body languidly, releasing a long, drawn out yawn before absentmindedly scratching at his belly and tossing the covers off himself. A glance at the clock tells him it is seven in the morning and he knows he won’t be getting any more sleep today. He doesn’t sleep in very often anyway, so he rises from the bed with his usual enthusiasm and pads barefoot out of the bedroom, heading straight into the bathroom across the hall.

He takes a ten minute shower, washing the evidence of last night’s activities from his body, and heads back into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Pulling on a pair of blue jeans and a faded grey t-shirt, he heads downstairs and smiles at the sight of Jayden sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. This is still a fairly new sight to Jared, but he doesn’t think it will ever stop being a pleasure.

Jayden smiles around a mouthful of Captain Crunch the moment he sees Jared, and Jared returns it with a warm one of his own as he heads straight to the coffee pot. Pouring some coffee into a mug he turns around to lean his hip against the kitchen counter, inhaling the rejuvenating aroma, feeling it awakening the senses his shower didn’t manage to. Harley sits no more than three feet away, gobbling down his morning breakfast, blatantly ignoring Jared. Sadie is nowhere to be seen but Jared has a pretty good idea where she can be found.

“You almost ready for school Jay?” Jared asks as he pushes away from the counter, taking a step towards the table.

“Yeah… one of the kids in my class is having a birthday party today, her mom is bringing cupcakes for everyone,” Jayden says with the enthusiasm only a seven year old can have.

“That’s good,” Jared responds as he affectionately ruffles the little boy’s hair. “Do you want me to drive you to school today?”

Jayden just nods his head and Jared smiles before leaving the kitchen, heading to the front door. He finds Jensen outside leaning against one of the porch pillars with Sadie lying at his feet, both staring off into the distance. It has been a little over a month since Jared talked Jensen into moving in with him and so far things couldn’t be better. Jared can honestly say he doesn’t remember a time when he has been happier. He has the family he always wanted and there isn’t a day that goes by where he isn’t grateful for that.

Jensen startles a little when Jared wraps his arms around him from behind, but the green eyed man soon relaxes and leans back in his embrace, laying a hand on Jared’s forearm. Jared drops his chin down onto Jensen’s shoulder and they stand like this for a few moments, content with the comfortable silence and the feel of one another.

“Is Jayden getting ready for school?” Jensen asks in a soft tone of voice, turning slightly so his cheek rests against the side of Jared’s head.

Jared hums in response to which Jensen chuckles softly. “Good, I had a helluva time trying to get him out of bed this morning. He’s been staying up way too late; I think we’re gonna have to buckle down on him a little ‘cause that has got to stop.”

Jared feels a rush of warmth flow through him at these words. It still feels good, being included. Jared treats Jayden as though he is his own, and having Jensen discuss even small decisions with him regarding his son makes Jared feel all warm inside.

He had been a little worried at first about what Jayden would think of Jared dating his dad, was afraid he wouldn’t accept him, but it turned out he had nothing to worry about. Jayden accepted him into their close-knit family easier than Jared expected. Sure, in the beginning he had a lot of questions, didn’t quite understand two guys being together, but now he tells everyone that he has two dads and he always says it with a beaming smile.

This never fails to make Jared smile at the fortune he has been given in life; Jayden’s the kid he never even knew he wanted.

Their relationship was slow going at first; Jensen still had his reservations and doubts, but they got through it and they couldn’t be happier. Everything is going smoothly for them, better than Jared could have ever hoped they would. He even met Jenna recently, and she wished them the best of luck, seemed to be genuinely happy for them. She was a nice person, Jared liked her well enough, but the thing that made him truly like her was seeing how she treated Jayden. She may not be around as often as a mother should, but there is no doubt that she loves her son; it is written on her face whenever he walks into a room.

The feel of Jensen’s lips upon his own startles Jared out of his reverie, but he quickly smiles against Jensen’s mouth and returns the sweet kiss.

“Guess I found the best way to drag you out of that head of yours,” Jensen breathes against his lips, chuckling ever so slightly.

“It’s definitely a more pleasurable way, so you won’t hear any complaints out of me,” Jared responds with a playful smirk. “I already told Jayden I’d take him to school today, so I guess I better go make sure he has his back pack ready.”

Jensen nods his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Jared’s lips before pulling away and giving Jared a gentle shove. “Make sure he has his homework too, he’s forgotten it the last couple of days.”

“You’re not working today, right?” Jared asks after saying he will make sure Jayden has everything he needs for school.

“Misha’s watching over the bakery so it’s pretty safe to assume Justin will be there with him most of the day, and the new guy I hired will be there as well so I really won’t be needed.”

“This is the first time we’ve had a day off at the same time in a while. What do ya say we spend the whole day at home, being lazy on the couch and watching bad TV… among other things,” Jared propositions with a naughty smile to get his point across.

Jensen laughs and shakes his head as though amused, but the gleam in his eyes tells Jared that his boyfriend isn’t so adverse to his plans.

:0Ж0:

Jared finishes putting the last plate in the dishwasher and turns on the machine before heading out of the kitchen. He has to smile when he finds Jayden fast asleep on the couch, the television showing an old episode of George Lopez on Nick at Nite, whatever cartoon he had been watching long since over.

Walking further into the room he sees that Harley is curled up in the v of Jayden’s legs, sound asleep. This isn’t altogether surprising seeing as though Harley attached himself to the little boy the moment Jared brought him home, just like Sadie claimed ownership over Jensen. Harley looks up as Jared draws closer, tilting his head like the curious pup he is. He doesn’t do anything when Jared takes Jayden into his arms though, he isn’t protective in the way that Sadie is.

Thank God for small favors, Jared thinks quietly, remembering the time he tried to shake Jensen awake and nearly got bitten by Sadie.

Jayden barely even stirs as Jared takes him to his room, laying him down on the mattress and covering him with the sheet and blanket, tucking him in. He makes sure to turn on the little night light next to the bed, just in case Jayden wakes up sometime in the night, and then he leaves the room, keeping the door open a hair.

“Where’s Jensen?” Jared asks Sadie, who is lying by the front door like she is waiting for someone to come in, and she just stares at him before putting her head back down on the floor, dismissing him.

He knows his boyfriend isn’t anywhere in the house, otherwise Sadie would be following him around like a shadow, so that leaves only one other place he could be. Grabbing a thermos from the kitchen and filling it with fresh coffee Jared heads outside, quickly shutting the door behind him before Sadie can follow him out.

All is silent in the barn besides the occasional sound from one of the horses, but Jared knows where his boyfriend can be found. Making sure he has a good grip on the thermos, he climbs the ladder leading to the loft and finds Jensen sitting on the floor, a far away look on his face. His eyes come back into focus the moment Jared is in direct line of his sight and he smiles softly.

“Did you put Jayden to bed?” he asks as Jared sits down beside him.

“Yeah, he fell asleep on the couch actually, I had to carry him to bed,” Jared responds, smiling just thinking about it. “So now we have the rest of the night to ourselves.”

Jensen grins at this as he takes the thermos from Jared then takes a drink, leaning his body into Jared’s side and resting there. Jared is all too happy to wrap his arms around his boyfriend as he relaxes back against the wall of the barn. All is peaceful and quiet. It is a cool night, but not cold in any way, the perfect night to be spent outside or here in the barn.

“What are you doing out here anyway?” Jared speaks up after a moment, resting his cheek against the top of Jensen’s head.

“I dunno… I mean, we used to spend so much time out here during that summer and now we hardly do at all and I… just felt like coming out here for a while, for old time’s sake,” Jensen responds, shrugging slightly, trying to be nonchalant even though Jared knows him better than that. He was being nostalgic, Jared thinks with a smile growing on his face. “We had some good times up here.”

“I specifically remember my birthday that year,” Jared says, giving a mischievous grin when Jensen looks up at him.

“Yeah… that was definitely memorable,” Jensen breathes, a touch of scarlet on his cheeks.

“It was special,” Jared rebukes firmly.

Jensen blushes a little more but laughs to cover it up, giving Jared a smirk. “You’re such a girl!”

“Shut up, it was! You really made my first time special for me, I’m just… I’m really glad you’re the one I gave my virginity to. I’ve heard so many horror stories, even Sandy regretted her first time… but I never have.” Jared squeezes Jensen closer to his body, laying a hand on his boyfriend’s jean clad thigh. “You were so confident, knew what you were doing, and you were so careful with me… you helped me relax a lot that night. I figured I’d be freaking out the first time but I wasn’t, and that’s because of you. You made me feel so safe and loved… I didn’t know it would feel like that.”

“You wanna know a secret?” Jensen grins a little sheepishly. “I was so fuckin’ nervous that night I think my hands were shaking.”

Jared can’t help but gape at his boyfriend in shock. “Seriously?” he asks, disbelief bleeding into his voice. “You’re serious, you were really nervous? But… you weren’t a virgin…”

“No, I wasn’t, but you were and I was worried I was going to hurt you. I wanted so badly to make it good for you that I think I kind of psyched myself out,” Jensen laughs a little as he says this, looking at Jared from beneath his lashes.

“Well then, I guess you had been worrying for nothing, huh?”

Jensen just grins in agreement before laying his head on Jared’s shoulder once more, right hand unconsciously tracing indiscernible patterns on Jared’s stomach.

“Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I talked to my mom the other day and she mentioned Christmas, ‘cause she thinks about things like that way ahead in advance,” Jensen laughs fondly and Jared has to smile because that sounds like Donna. Holidays are a big deal for her, so she is always worrying and planning way before she actually has to. “Anyways, she wanted to know if we’d be able to spend Christmas with them. I said I’d talk to you about it before we made any decisions, just in case you wanted to spend it with your family instead.”

Jared can’t quite explain why this affects him like it does but tears are damn near brimming his eyes and it makes him feel like a wimp. It is just that he never thought he would get the chance to have this, discussing with Jensen whose family they plan to spend which holiday with. It is all he ever wanted, but knowing he has it… it seems like he is constantly overwhelmed by it, wondering if this is some dream he will hopefully never wake up from.

“That sounds great Jen,” Jared says, voice a little choked from emotion. “We can still see my parents around then, we just won’t be able to make it on the actual day.”

“We could spend Thanksgiving with them if you want. I know that’s just as big a deal to your family as Christmas is,” Jensen offers with that beautiful smile on his face, the one that haunted Jared for years.

“Actually I’d kind of like to have Thanksgiving here at home, with just you and me and Jay… our family.”

Jensen lifts his head away from Jared’s shoulder, eyes shining with happiness, and he quickly pulls his boyfriend in for a kiss. Jared returns the kiss, soft and languid, fingers sliding into Jensen’s hair and taking hold. “Yeah, our family, sounds good to me Jared,” Jensen breathes against his lips before kissing him again, just a bit more firmly this time around.

“It’s still kind of hard to believe we’re here, together, after all this time,” Jared says when he pulls out of the kiss.

“Better start believing it Jay, ‘cause I’m not going anywhere.” Jensen responds with a tiny grin as his palm slides around to cup the back of Jared’s neck, bringing their lips together once more as he slowly lowers himself to the floor of the loft, guiding Jared on top of him.

Jared pulls back to look down at the man beneath him, bright green eyes staring back at him with love and desire. “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Wanna make another memory for this old loft Jen?” he asks, wagging his eyebrows playfully.

Jensen rolls his eyes, but there is a smile on his face as he rolls his hips up into Jared’s, drawing a ragged moan out of the man on top of him. “Now how the hell did you ever get that impression Jay,” he still manages to reply sarcastically.

Jared just grins, all warmth and sunshine, not a hint of a joke in his expression as he says, “I love you Jen.”

“Yeah, I love you too Sasquatch,” his boyfriend replies with a half smile.

He runs his fingers through Jensen’s hair and caresses his fingertips down a freckled cheek. “I’m so glad we’ve been given a second chance to get it right this time, my life was just never the same without you.”

“I guess some people are just meant to be together, soul mates and all that chick-flicky crap… we found our way back to each other, in the end that’s all that really matters,” Jensen responds, eyes soft and warm and inviting. “We’ll get it right this time, I know we will… we’ve been doing fine so far, I don’t see that changing.”

Jared doesn’t bother to speak, just swoops down to capture Jensen’s lips once more. No words need to be spoken anyway, actions speak more loudly. In his kiss he tells Jensen how much he loves him, how grateful he is to have him in his life. Jared is finally happy for the first time in years, once again feeling that rush that he did when he was seventeen, only a little different this time, on deeper level. He has a family of his own to love and protect… life is good.

.The End.

Previous ll Index ll Art Post

Maude Adams Lane: Part Eleven

2009-08-11T00:13:49Z

-~*~-
Part Eleven
-~*~-

August 20th, 2008

Large, fluffy grey storm clouds hang overhead, threatening to break open at any given moment, as Jared walks leisurely through the local park on his way to Molly’s Diner. It is a pretty humid day, but the fact that the sun is hidden behind the clouds makes it a little easier to bear.

He pays little attention to his surroundings, hands stuffed deep in his pockets as he walks, eyes fixed firmly on the sidewalk. Not too many people are out on this particular afternoon, the park is rather barren, but Jared prefers it this way. He has too many thoughts going through his mind to be bothered to deal with anyone today.

His mind has been consumed by thoughts of Jensen, not knowing what to do about the green eyed man. Jensen obviously has feelings for him; Jared doesn’t just know this because Jensen told him but because he can feel it. But Jensen isn’t willing to give in to his feelings and Jared’s beginning to question whether he ever will. He said he would think about it but he hasn’t so much as mentioned it since that day in the field.

Maybe he just said that so I’d shut up, he thinks morosely as he ducks his head and hunches in on himself. Jared can’t help but be discouraged when Jensen acts like the conversation never even took place. Sure, there are times when Jensen will look at him, eyes soft with warmth and barely concealed affection, but it is hard to stay positive when the man doesn’t give him much reason to be.

Aside from that Jensen has been his friendly self, has spent as much time with Jared as he did before, so Jared knows he shouldn’t be complaining too much. He has Jensen’s friendship, and he knows he should be happy with that, but the selfish part of him can’t help wanting more. He wants things he has no right wanting in the first place, but that doesn’t change the facts.

He wants Jensen and Jayden to move in with him; maybe not right away, he knows that would be moving a little too fast for Jensen, but eventually he would like them to move in with him at the ranch. He wants them to be a family, wants to sit at the coffee table at night and help Jayden with homework, wants to wrap his arms around Jensen and watch bad television, maybe get a couple of dogs. He wants them to be around all the time, to share his life with them.

Yeah, keep dreaming Jared, he tells himself self deprecatingly, knowing he is probably fooling himself if he thinks he even has a shot at having any of that.

Jared’s head snaps up when he hears the sound of familiar laughter and a smile grows on his face when his eyes land on Jayden, who is playing on the swings. One glance around the park and he instantly finds Jensen, sitting on a bench not too far away from his son, a soft smile on his face.

Jared had plans to go to the diner for a cheeseburger and a shake but his plans change the second his eyes land on Jensen. He slowly makes his way over to where the other man is sitting and can feel a blush creeping onto his cheeks from the smile Jensen gives him the moment he sees him.

He takes a moment to look over Jensen, drinking in the cream colored sweater he is wearing with a worn pair of blue jeans, as he takes a seat next to him on the bench. Jayden waves enthusiastically from his place on the swings and Jared smiles as he waves back.

“What are you guys doing here on a day like this?” Jared directs this question to the man sitting next to him.

“I didn’t want to go, repeatedly told him no,” Jensen responds with a laugh, looking to Jared in amusement with a slightly sheepish smile. “But he begged me and eventually I caved.”

“Like you are known to do time and time again.” Jared can’t help but tease Jensen a little. Everyone knows that little boy has his dad wrapped around his finger, even Jensen is well aware of it though he tries to defend himself fruitlessly.

“I dare you to resist him when he pouts at you,” Jensen responds with a pout of his own. “Eh, the boy knows he can get almost anything he wants out of me.”

“Yes he does, but that’s only ‘cause you love him, and it’s not like you let him get away with murder. He’s a well behaved kid Jen, you’re doing great with him,” Jared tells him sincerely and his heart swells with warmth when Jensen smiles at the praise.

“Yeah well, I said we could come here for a little while but we’d have to leave if it starts raining. What about you though, what are you doing out in this weather? I don’t see your truck anywhere.”

“You know I haven’t really changed all that much, I still love this kind of weather. Just because I’m older doesn’t mean I’m going to listen to my mom’s warnings about going out and catching pneumonia,” Jared smirks a little as he says this, chuckling when Jensen rolls his eyes.

“You were hoping it’d rain, weren’t you? And let me guess, you walked all the way here from the ranch?” Jensen gives him a knowing look to which Jared can’t deny a thing, he did walk here after all.

“I was heading to the diner for lunch and figured I’d walk back home afterward but when I saw you and Jayden, I had to stop and say hi.”

“I’m glad you did, it gets kind of boring sitting here by myself,” Jensen says with a smile.

“How long have you been here?”

“Close to an hour, I can’t seem to drag him away,” Jensen responds as he turns his head to watch his son.

“Would you guys be interested in having lunch with me? Think that would be able to drag him away?” Jared asks casually, raising his eyebrows and shrugging slightly.

Jensen ponders this for a moment, gazing at his son, and then gives a nod of his head. “Not sure even food could get him to leave but it’s worth a shot anyway.”

“Hey Jayden, are you hungry? Want to go to Molly’s?” Jared calls across the park, grinning when Jayden nods his head enthusiastically and jumps off the swing. He then turns to give Jensen a smirk of satisfaction to which Jensen rolls his eyes and hits him on the arm.

“No one likes a smug bastard Jared,” Jensen says with a laugh as he stands and heads over to his son.

:0Ж0:

August 22nd, 2008

After a couple of hours of teaching Jayden how to ride a horse Jared is ready to sit down and not move for a very long time. He will admit that it has been nice spending some time with the kid, and he enjoyed the lesson as much as Jayden did. Jensen stood by the whole time, silently watching them with a soft, pleased smile on his face. He didn’t interrupt them though, was just a silent observer the whole time.

Misha and Justin showed up not too long into the lesson, standing beside Jensen as they watched. Jayden didn’t seem to mind the audience, he appeared to thrive on it in fact. Just one of the many ways he differs from his dad, even though there are certain personality traits that remind Jared of Jensen.

Now Jared stands at the stove, frying up a few hamburgers and some potatoes. He can hear the television from where he is, the theme song for Spongebob loud and clear, and just picturing Jayden sitting on his couch puts a smile on his face. He had asked them to stay for dinner, and after a little persuasion, Jensen finally caved and agreed. He wasn’t quite ready to see them leave, trying to spend as much time with them as Jensen will let him.

“How are the burgers coming along?” Justin asks as he enters the kitchen, startling Jared in the process, making him jump nearly a foot in the air.

“Damn, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?” Jared asks with a glare, taking a swig of his beer sitting on the counter to the right of him.

Justin just smirks and leans his hip against the counter. “You were thinking about Jensen again, weren’t you?”

Jared’s cheeks are flooded with crimson, which Justin sees before Jared can turn his head away. “No, I wasn’t thinking about Jensen. Why is it you always think he is the only thing on my mind?”

“Well maybe because I know you too well and all you ever have on your mind is that man,” Justin responds with a pleasant enough smile but Jared isn’t fooled, he knows he is being mocked. “You can’t lie to me Jare, I know you think about him all the time and that’s why you’re always so spaced out.”

Jared knows it would be useless to deny it. “I wasn’t only thinking about him, I was mostly thinking about Jayden,” he says like this makes all the difference in the world, though both men know it doesn’t, especially since he was thinking about how nice it would be to see Jayden out on that couch every night. Yeah, he knows he is completely hopeless. He is a fool in love and anyone would know it just by taking one look at him.

“Have you made any sort of progress with him?” Justin asks like Jared didn’t say anything.

Jared lets out a soft sigh and shakes his head. “He hasn’t said anything since that day, hasn’t acknowledged we even had the conversation. I’m beginning to wonder if I dreamed it.”

Justin is silent for a moment, biting his lip in thought as he gives Jared a calculating look. “Are you sure he is worth all this?” he tentatively asks after a moment. “I mean, if he can’t see how much you love him, even after all this time, then maybe he doesn’t deserve you.”

“You don’t understand, he’s just looking out for his son, I can’t blame him for that,” Jared says softly, defending Jensen the best that he can, because deep down he kind of understands why Jensen is doing what he is. “It’s been ten years since we were together, his life has changed a lot more than mine has, and he has a son to think about. He’s just trying to protect his son from any potential hurt; I can’t say I probably wouldn’t do the same thing if I were in his position.”

Justin stares for a long moment, eyes intense and searching, before nodding his head and reaching out to grip Jared’s shoulder. “Just be careful, huh? I don’t want you to get too hurt if things don’t work out the way you’re hoping they will.”

Jared doesn’t really know how to respond; he thinks it might already be a little too late for that, and he is going to be hurt regardless of whether he is careful now or not. To learn that he has no chance with Jensen will hurt no matter how he looks at it, and there is really no way he can prepare himself for it. Rejection hurts no matter who it comes from, but being rejected by Jensen would have to feel close to dying. Or at least Jared’s melodramatic mind tells him it would.

“Dinner’s ready,” he manages to croak out, not bothering to respond which only causes Justin to frown in dismay.

Jared turns away from his friend, calling everyone to the dinner table, making himself busy with piling the hamburgers onto a plate. He takes a seat at the kitchen table along with the rest of his guests and does his best to put that conversation behind them, even though it is a little easier said than done.

:0Ж0:

“Thanks for having us over for dinner, and for teaching Jayden to ride,” Jensen says when they are finally alone, Jayden asleep on the living room couch and their two friends locked up in Justin’s room.

“No thanks necessary, it was my pleasure,” Jared replies with a small smile as he places a steaming cup of coffee in front of Jensen and once more takes a seat at the kitchen table.

“You know, I know I haven’t said it, but it’s really nice having you around again. I really missed hanging out with you. I never realized how much I missed you until you were around all the time again,” Jensen admits with a small, shy smile and Jared can’t help but latch onto these words like they are a prayer. “I’ve missed just being around you.”

“I’ve missed you too Jen,” Jared says with complete sincerity. “I’m just sorry we couldn’t have walked away as friends.”

Jared knows he had the opportunity to get in touch with Jensen many times, all he would have had to have done was talk to Steve about it in one of his emails. They didn’t keep in touch all that often but he didn’t completely lose contact with the man, so he could have probably seen Jensen or at least talked to him if he wanted to. I was scared to, he acknowledges in silence. He still wanted things he wasn’t sure Jensen would, and he wasn’t altogether sure Jensen would even want to hear from him, and that fear kept him from ever taking that step.

There were many times Jared just wanted to spit the words out, ask Steve once and for all, but for some reason whenever he talked to Steve, Jared made sure to keep their conversations away from mentioning Jensen at all, even just to enquire how he was doing. Jared really can’t explain his reason for doing this other than maybe he didn’t want to hear about how good the man was doing without him.

“I always regretted that too,” Jensen responds softly and Jared doesn’t doubt that he means it. “At least we’re friends now though, that’s something to be thankful for.”

Jared just nods his head a bit numbly, though he does agree with Jensen. They both know he wants more but that doesn’t mean he isn’t grateful for the friendship he has been given; it is certainly more than he ever expected to have.

“It’s nice to see Misha and Justin hitting it off so well,” Jensen says when the silence between them starts to become awkward. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Misha look at someone the way he looks at Justin.”

“Yeah, Justin really likes him, has since the moment he laid eyes on him I think,” Jared says conversationally, but the elephant in the room is becoming oppressive and harder to ignore, the urge to get everything out in the open with Jensen once and for all too strong. Jared has never been known for his patience.

“Something tells me everything’s going to work out for them,” Jensen says with a soft chuckle. “Which is good ‘cause Misha deserves to be happy, and Justin’s a good guy. They’re good for each other.”

“Look Jen, when are we going to talk about this?” Jared probably could have asked this with a little more finesse, but his short amount of patience has been worn thin and the question is out in the open, nothing he can do about that now.

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks stiffly and Jared watches as he closes himself down, his face becoming completely blank.

“Come on Jen, don’t play dumb on me now. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Jared says as kindly as he can.

“I don’t want to talk about this Jay, please just… let’s not do this here, not now,” Jensen pleads, though it is obvious he isn’t willing to take any other answer besides okay. Jared isn’t feeling all that accommodating though, doesn’t want to just let the subject go.

“You don’t have to say it, I know you want to be with me too. I understand that you’re trying to protect your son, I really do, but I honestly thought you’d really give it some thought. But you never planned to, did you? You just said what I wanted to hear so I’d get off your back.”

Jared doesn’t mean for it to come out this way, so harsh, but there is no denying he means every word. He really doesn’t believe Jensen ever meant to think it over, never intended to give in to these feelings that they both harbor, and he has to admit it is extremely frustrating. What he wants is a clear answer; all this sitting around, waiting and hoping, is driving him insane. He just wants to know where he stands, if he has any chance with Jensen or not.

“Jay, I just…” Jensen stops the lie in its tracks and lets out a soft, weary sigh. “It’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship… I don’t even know how Jayden would take it. I just… I care about you Jay, we both know that, but I can’t… I’m sorry.”

“You could be happy Jen,” Jared persists. “You’re going to deny yourself, both of us, the chance for happiness? What are you going to do, not date at all until Jayden is old enough or out of the house?”

“I’m sorry you’re not happy with my decision Jay, I really am, but my mind is made up and I just hope you can accept that,” Jensen says, a touch of regret in his voice, but he also sounds firm in his decision and the disappointment Jared feels is stronger than he expected it to be.

“You’re serious,” Jared huffs in disbelief as Jensen pushes away from the table and heads towards the living room where his son sleeps peacefully on the couch. “You’re really going to deny yourself this?”

“I’m not going to do this with you Jared,” Jensen says in a strained tone, emotional but with some obvious irritation. “We’re friends now, why can’t you just be happy with that?”

Jared snaps his mouth shut but can’t stop himself from glaring at Jensen as the man carefully picks up his son, an arm beneath his knees and shoulders, trying not to wake him up. Despite how careful he is being Jayden still stirs, releasing a soft whiny sound as his eyes flutter open.

“Dad,” his voice is thick with sleep.

“Go back to sleep buddy, we’re going home now,” Jensen tells his son in a gentle and soothing tone of voice.

“Jen, don’t go. Please, just hear me out, reconsider this,” Jared knows he is pleading but right now, this situation, he can’t be bothered to feel ashamed. He will beg on his hands and knees if that is what Jensen wants him to do. “Give me a chance Jen, I know we could be happy… all three of us. I love Jayden, I want you both in my life.”

“We are in your life Jay, just maybe not in the ways you want us,” Jensen says with exasperation, looking at Jared with those bright green eyes of his, pleading with him to understand. “I’m sorry I can’t offer you more than my friendship, but… please stop pushing this.”

Jared doesn’t know what he could possibly say to this; it is obvious he can’t change Jensen’s mind, and in the end it doesn’t matter anyway because he is left to watch Jensen leave the house with his son sleeping in his arms. And as Jared watches Jensen leave it feels like all hope Jared had walked out the door with him.

:0Ж0:

A few hours later and Jared is huddled in the corner of his couch, which is probably a funny sight with a man of his size but he can’t be bothered to care. A lukewarm bottle of beer rests in his hand, which he lifts to his mouth every so often to take a swig, grimacing slightly at the taste. The coffee table is littered with the empty bottles that Jared has consumed. He is well passed buzzed by now and on his way to piss drunk stupid.

Random thoughts pass through his head as he sits there, ranging from depressed to deliriously amused. His mind tells him he needs to cool it with the beers - he is starting to sound idiotic even to himself - but then the thought slips away and he forgets what he previously decided he was going to do. One thought remains painstakingly clear though, and that is that he has absolutely no chance with Jensen.

He looks up when he hears footsteps coming down the hall and he smiles drunkenly when Justin comes into view. His friend eyes him warily for a moment, not sure if he should draw closer or leave Jared on his own. A minute later he finally makes up his mind, or Misha makes it up for him, when the blue eyed man leaves Justin’s room and immediately heads in Jared’s direction.

“What are you doing sitting in the dark?” Misha asks gently, eyeing the empty beer bottles with a frown. “Are you drunk?”

“Nope,” Jared lies with an unmanly giggle that gives him away. “Come join the party,” he says to Justin, who is hanging back by the doorway. “Bring more beers though.”

“Jare… are you okay man?” Justin asks in concern when he gets a good look at Jared.

“Never felt better,” Jared lies through his teeth while silently calling Jensen every name his drunken mind can remember.

“Something happened,” Misha says to Justin before eyeing Jared with concern, and Jared’s already getting tired of that look.

“You know what’s a weird word… ears,” Jared says before bursting into laughter, like it is the funniest fucking thing he has ever heard. “Seriously, who the hell comes up with these things?”

Jared is still giggling when Justin turns to Misha and says, “Yeah, he is fuckin’ wasted. We should get him upstairs, let him sleep it off.”

“No,” Jared interrupts them firmly, going from giggly drunk to depressed in 2.5 seconds. “I want to wallow in misery and get myself drunk enough to pass out.”

“What happened Jay? You were happy earlier tonight and now you’re doing your best impression of an alcoholic. I just don’t get it,” Justin says as he kneels down at Jared’s side, resting a hand on his knee to show support.

“Jensen did something, didn’t he?” Misha speaks softly, eyes filled with sympathy, like he already knows the answer.

“What he’d do Jare?” Justin demands, looking both ready to kill Jensen and wrap Jared up in a hug.

“Nothing I didn’t already expect,” Jared responds, moping. “He just confirmed that we have no chance of getting back together. Said he cared about me but we couldn’t be anything more than friends.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Jared,” Misha says softly as he moves to sit next to him on the couch.

“Stabbing me in the eye probably would’ve been less painful… but I guess I should be thankful he was honest, didn’t let me wait and hope any longer than I already had been,” Jared says with spite that quickly turns into resignation.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Justin says with conviction, giving Jared’s knee a squeeze.

“I know it hurts now, but you’ll eventually move on, find someone better,” Misha tries to tell him soothingly but Jared isn’t buying it for a second.

“There’s no one better than him, he was it for me… my soul mate, even if he doesn’t see it,” he says with a sad smile, knowing he may never fully get over Jensen… if he hadn’t in the past ten years he somehow doubts he will have better luck now.

Why can’t he see that we’re meant to be together? he solemnly asks in silence before his friends’ faces get distorted and he promptly passes out, escaping the pain of rejection at least for a few hours.

:0Ж0:

August 23rd, 2008

Jared is getting settled in for a night in front of the television when there is a rough knock on the front door that draws him away from the couch. Jared cautiously stares at the door for a moment, not moving toward it. He is not used to anyone visiting at ten o’clock at night and the force of the person’s knock is startling to say the least. Justin is staying over at Misha’s tonight so Jared has the house to himself and being alone with whoever is on the other side of the door has him on edge.

He has no way of knowing who is here at such an hour but he knows there is only one way to find out. Grabbing the baseball bat hidden beside the door, he grips it tightly at his side and finally opens the door a hair. He is relieved however, to find Jensen on the other side, but he also feels a bit foolish for getting so worked up. Seriously, what did I think was going to happen, a serial killer was going to knock on my door and wait for me to answer? he belittles himself in silence while trying to keep a sheepish look off his face.

Jared quickly replaces the bat where he found it and opens the door invitingly, frowning slightly at Jensen’s disheveled appearance and troubled eyes. Jensen doesn’t speak as he steps into the house, gaze locked firmly on the hardwood flooring, refusing to meet Jared’s eyes. Instantly a million different scenarios play out in his mind, worrying something terrible must have happened; he can’t think of anything else that would leave Jensen looking so harried.

“Jen, what is it?” Jared tries to ask as calmly as he can; if something has happened then Jensen needs him to be the strong one, not panicking like Jared really wants to do. “It’s not your family, is it? Is Jayden alright?”

Jensen clears his throat, the sound of it seems louder than it really is. “They’re fine, and so is Jay. Sorry, I know how I must look, but everyone’s fine… it’s nothing like that…” he trails off and his words just confuse Jared even more. So, everyone’s fine, but that doesn’t explain Jensen’s presence at ten o’clock at night or the fact that he looks so damn troubled.

“Come on, I’ve got some coffee in the kitchen. I know it’s pretty late for caffeine, but you look like you could use it,” Jared says as he places a guiding hand on Jensen’s arm and leads him into the kitchen, gently pushing him down onto one of the chairs at the table.

Jared makes himself busy by pouring coffee into two cups, doctoring them up with sugar and cream, focused intently on this task so his eyes don’t wander over in Jensen’s direction and get locked there. The man is acting strangely, has barely looked at Jared since he arrived, and it is worrying Jared more and more by the second.

He is not used to seeing Jensen act or look this way, his hair in disarray and his clothes rumpled. Jensen is a pretty clean-cut guy; seeing him so disheveled is unusual and it puts Jared on edge. Something bad must have happened for him to look so out of sorts, there is just no other explanation for it.

Jared is still feeling the effects of their last conversation but he pushes his hurt feelings aside so he can be here for Jensen. The man obviously needs him at the moment and Jared can’t stand the thought of letting his hurt get in the way of helping a friend in his time of need. Besides, Jared can’t help feeling a little good about the fact that Jensen came to him when he needed someone. Even though they aren’t on the best of terms right now, Jensen still came to him<… that means more to him than Jared could ever express.

“So… not that I want you to leave or anything, but… why are you here Jen?” Jared asks gently as he places a cup of coffee in front of the downcast man.

“I can’t stop thinking about what you said last night,” Jensen says softly, so softly that Jared has to strain to hear him. Once he works out what Jensen said however, his heart skips a beat and his breath gets caught in his throat. He tells himself not to get his hopes up but it is a little too late for that.

“Yeah?” Jared’s voice sounds choked so he clears his throat and tries again. “You still feel the same way you did then?”

“I kept trying to tell myself I was doing this to protect my son, that I had no other choice. I told myself it was crazy to feel anything for you after all this time, tried to make myself believe we were better off as friends. I’ve fought this attraction I feel towards you with everything I have but… I’m tired of fighting it,” Jensen looks up then, eyes bright with emotion. “You came back into my life and somehow I found myself falling in love with you all over again, like the past ten years weren’t as big a deal as they should be.”

Jared’s breath hitches, finally hearing the words he has wanted to hear all along, and he isn’t quite sure what to do now. He feels a little overwhelmed by it all, because despite how much he had hoped this would happen, he was trying to resign himself to the fact that it wouldn’t. It was just too good to be true, a fantasy he would never be able to touch, but now Jensen is laying it all out on a fucking silver platter and Jared is so damn happy he can’t express it properly.

Instead of speaking Jared rises to his feet and immediately grasps onto Jensen’s arm, gently guiding him to stand as well. They are standing so close their chests are nearly touching and Jared can feel Jensen’s body heat through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. Jensen looks up at him with wide green eyes, just watching, waiting to see what he will do. Jared doesn’t want to actually take that step though, not until he has verbal confirmation that this is what Jensen wants, that he won’t run away once they cross that invisible line.

“You sure this is what you want Jen? I can’t do this if you’re not in it one hundred percent, I wouldn’t be able to let you go this time. So I need to hear you say it, ‘cause if this isn’t what you want then you need to walk out that door right now and we’ll go back to just being friends.” It takes a lot of effort to say this, to actually get the words out, because it almost physically hurts to speak them, but it needs to be said all the same.

“I want this Jay,” Jensen says with raw honesty and sincerity, looking up at him with those damn green eyes that Jared has never been able to forget. “I promise, I’m not going to change my mind.”

Jared lets out a relieved sigh at this reassurance and allows a genuinely happy smile to form on his face. He releases a surprised squeak when Jensen suddenly surges up and takes possession of his mouth but Jared quickly gets with the program and kisses Jensen back, pressing his lips roughly against Jensen’s as his right hand reaches up to cup the back of his head, holding him in place.

Jensen kisses back just as hard, as though he is trying to drink him in, pushing his body against Jared’s in a way that suggests he wants to crawl inside him. They kiss like this for a moment, mouth pressed firmly against mouth, doing their best to make up for lost time, and then Jensen is parting his lips, inviting Jared inside.

Jared takes full advantage of the invitation, slipping his tongue inside Jensen’s warm mouth with a needy moan he can’t suppress. He fully dominates Jensen’s mouth, just the way he wanted to out in their field that day not too long ago, and Jensen gives up control without a fight. Jared sensually caresses Jensen’s tongue with his own before moving on to palate and inner cheeks, leaving nothing untouched.

He manhandles Jensen out into the hall and pushes until his back hits the wall next to the staircase. He roughly presses Jensen against the wall, mindful not to hurt him, as he tilts his head to gain better access to the mouth beneath his own. Jensen groans lowly as he spreads his legs a little and begins rutting against Jared’s thigh, nearly wrapping his own leg around Jared’s waist.

Jared makes quick work of Jensen’s pants, unbuttoning and lowering the zipper before slipping his hand inside. Jensen moans, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head as it hits the wall with a soft ‘thunk’, his hips bucking up into Jared’s hand. Jared has a firm hand around Jensen’s growing erection, sliding up and down tantalizingly slow, thumbing the head on each upward stroke.

Jensen shudders in his hand when Jared’s thumb rubs over the bundle of nerves beneath the head and Jared can’t help but smile at this small victory. He always enjoyed watching Jensen fall apart beneath his hands, knowing he caused such a reaction out of the beautiful man, and that certainly hasn’t changed.

“Is…” Jensen breaks off on a moan, licking his lips before trying to speak again. “Is Justin here?”

“Staying at Misha’s,” is Jared’s short answer before he attaches his lips to Jensen’s neck, sucking a bruise into the skin, marking ownership over the smaller man.

“What do you say we take this to your bedroom?” Jensen suggests, and although Jared is loath to tear himself away long enough to make it upstairs, he manages to nod his head and take a reluctant step back.

Jensen smiles warmly as he takes Jared’s hand in his, eyes shining with promise as he starts to make his way up the stairs, pulling Jared along. The moment they reach the landing Jared pulls Jensen into his arms once more, connecting their lips with the hunger of a dying man, as though afraid that if he lets go, the green eyed man will simply disappear into thin air.

Jensen seems all too happy to wrap his arms around Jared’s neck though, giving himself over to the insistent press of Jared’s lips, fingers sliding into his hair and lightly massaging his scalp. Jared’s eyelids fall closed in contentment, his tongue twining with Jensen’s as his hands grasp at the man’s hips, pulling him so they are flush together.

Jensen’s body fits against his like it always did, like their bodies were made for each other, and Jared can’t help but groan when Jensen’s lips leave his only to attach themselves to his collarbone. Jared’s fingers find their way into the hair at the back of Jensen’s head, not guiding just holding, as Jensen works his talented mouth over Jared’s overheated flesh. Jensen’s mouth had always been able to work wonders, no matter what patch of skin they were attached to, and Jared can feel himself starting to tremble pleasantly.

Jensen slowly moves up to Jared’s ear, breathing hotly as he whispers, “I want you in me.”

Jared’s cock twitches in his pants at these whispered words and he can’t help but stare at Jensen with wide eyes. The few times he and Jensen actually slept together Jared had always bottomed. He had always wanted to top but never got around to it, because he loved the feeling of Jensen inside him. But now that Jensen is offering himself, letting Jared have a piece of him he was never given before… it is all Jared can think about and he realizes just how badly he wants it.

Without speaking Jared pushes Jensen into his room, stripping him of his shirt in the process. Jensen is all too happy to return the favor, running talented hands over Jared’s newly exposed skin, thumb catching on a nipple and making Jared shiver. Jensen has grown muscle in places he didn’t have at eighteen, his pecs defined but not overly so, and Jared allows his eyes to drink their fill.

Jensen slowly pulls down his jeans, kicking them off once they are pooled around his ankles, his boxers soon to follow. Jared’s eyes darken with lust, pupils blown wide as he stares at Jensen’s body, Jensen who seems to not be the least bit shy in his nakedness. When Jensen raises an eyebrow expectantly and tugs on Jared’s pants Jared forces himself to get with the program, divesting himself of the rest of his clothing in a hurried manner, nearly falling over when his foot gets trapped in his pant leg.

Soon Jensen is lying back on the bed, raising himself up on his elbows to stare at Jared, looking very much like an offering that drives Jared’s desire to new heights. He likes this new side of Jensen very much, so sure and confident as he stares up at Jared salaciously, urging him to come closer with a crook of his finger.

Jared wastes no more time as he crawls onto the bed, situating himself between Jensen’s spread thighs, leaning down to capture his lips in a passionate kiss. He sensually licks his way into Jensen’s mouth, drawing a low moan from his reclaimed lover as he searches blindly in the nightstand drawer for the supplies he has stashed in there.

A minute later he comes back with a condom and a small bottle of KY, pulling back from the kiss to grin down at Jensen. Slicking his fingers with lube, he draws them down to Jensen’s entrance, merely tracing the small hole, dipping the tip of his finger inside teasingly before drawing back. Jensen moans at the slight penetration, trying to push his hips down to draw Jared’s finger inside him and groaning in frustration when he doesn’t succeed.

This happens a couple more times, the tip of his finger dipping inside but pulling back before he can fully penetrate, and then Jensen practically growls his frustration. “Damn it Jared, stop with the fuckin’ teasing, I can’t take it much longer,” he pants out raggedly, shooting Jared a glare when the shaggy haired man chuckles.

Jared decides to take pity on his lover, finally allowing his finger to slide inside to the second knuckle, nearly moaning at the tightness of Jensen’s body. Jensen moans his appreciation when Jared lowers his mouth to his cock, taking the head between his lips, alternating between light suction and licking the slit. Jensen trembles beneath him when his tongue catches the bundle of nerves beneath the head at the same time as he adds a second finger.

Jensen pushes down against Jared’s fingers, drawing them in a tiny bit further, breathing raggedly. His eyes are glazed as he looks down at Jared, his body twitching, a long, drawn out moan escaping his parted lips when Jared’s fingers graze his prostate. Jensen is nearly begging after this, first for Jared to touch that place again and then for Jared to fill him up.

“Are you sure you’re ready for me Jen?” Jared asks in a voice dripping with sex as he scissors his fingers inside his lover, stretching him before thrusting in and out, then starting the process all over again. “You’re still so tight, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I can take it Jay, I promise, you won’t hurt me,” Jensen tells him, voice strained and cracked as he arches his back when Jared’s fingers graze that spot again. “Please… I want you… need you inside me.”

Jared scissors his fingers a couple more times, just to be sure, and then he pulls them out, wiping them on the bedspread. Jensen watches him with intense eyes, glazed over with lust, as Jared slips on the condom and slicks himself up.

Once he is satisfied, Jared positions himself at Jensen’s hole, Jensen’s legs instinctively coming up to wrap around his waist, and then Jared is slowly pushing inside. He halts all movement once he is fully inside Jensen, leaning down to kiss Jensen soft and languidly while he waits for his lover to adjust.

Jensen is tighter than anyone Jared has ever been with, so when Jensen moves his hips down, drawing him in deeper, Jared has to grip his erection at the base to stave off climaxing too early. He has his eyes clenched tight, trying to think unsexy thoughts, when Jensen’s hand cups around the back of his neck and draws him into a kiss filled with passion.

Jared rocks inside of Jensen when he feels it is safe to do so without coming too quickly, their tongues tasting and teasing each other. He pulls out a little farther than before and pushes in with a bit of force, aiming to take it all deeper. Jensen shudders and moans beneath him, wrapping his legs tighter around his waist and drawing him in deeper than imaginable.

“God Jen, have no idea how much I missed you,” Jared breathes between them, hot air hitting Jensen’s lips as Jared switches up his angle and thrusts inside, harder and faster. “Thought about you so damn much I could drive myself insane with it.”

Jensen twitches and nearly keens when Jared hits his spot dead on, arching his back as he grips Jared’s biceps, fingernails leaving crescent shaped indentations in his skin. Jared easily sets a steady pace, alternating between thrusting languidly, and hard, sharp thrusts of his hips that force that sound out of Jensen, one that has every single one of Jared’s nerves igniting and sparking with bursts of pleasure.

Jensen is vocal beneath him, but in that quiet way of his that sounds more like breathy whispers. Jared yearns to make Jensen lose control, to scream and mewl so loudly it threatens to temporarily deafen him. The breathy whispers do strange things to him though, and he’s almost reluctant to try to get any other reaction out of the man beneath him.

With a hand in his shaggy brown hair, Jensen draws him down for a kiss as Jared wraps his large hand around Jensen’s erection, twisting his wrist on each upward stroke and relishing the breathy gasp that leaves Jensen’s lips. Jared jerks him in time with his thrusts, arching his body in pleasurable pain when Jensen’s fingernails scrape down his back, one of his hands sliding around to his chest to rub a nipple with the pad of his thumb and index finger.

The rhythm Jared sets for them suits them both as they rock together, but need and desire soon take hold and Jared increases his pace, pulling back and then slamming in, drawing near identical moans from both men. He relishes the feeling of being cradled by Jensen’s thighs as his lover bears down on every upward thrust of his hips, slamming their bodies together and hitting Jensen’s prostate every time.

“Fuck,” Jensen whispers through ragged pants of breath, body clenching down around Jared as he arches and comes between them unexpectedly with a loud curse and moan of Jared’s name, trembling with the intensity of his climax.

Jared quickly follows him, his orgasm erupting from him in waves of pleasure. It seems to last forever, his every nerve-ending sparking as his eyes clench tight and his jaw gapes open, panting and gasping before he collapses on top of the smaller man. Jensen somehow finds the strength to wrap his arms around Jared’s torso, the fingers of his left hand absentmindedly running through Jared’s sweaty hair.

Jared remains there until he gets his breathing under control and enough strength back to move, pulling gently out of Jensen and flopping down beside him on the mattress, tossing the used condom into the wastebasket beside the bed. Jensen immediately curls into his side, a hand resting over Jared’s rapidly beating heart, and Jared is quick to entwine their fingers as he turns his head to place a soft kiss to Jensen’s forehead.

Jensen lets out a soft, content sigh as he rests his head on Jared’s shoulder, face nearly buried in the crook of Jared’s neck. Jared takes the time to let the moment wash over him, to enjoy the feel of Jensen in his arms once again, to fully appreciate what he has been given.

“I love you,” Jensen speaks up after a long moment of silence and Jared jumps a little at the sound of his voice, not expecting Jensen to say anything. Jensen lifts his head to look at him, eyes bright and emotional. “You know that, right?”

“I do now,” Jared says with an impish grin, but it quickly becomes sincere. “I love you too. I never stopped.”

“I don’t think I ever did either,” Jensen says after a moment of silent consideration. “I just did my best to put you in the past… not sure I ever really succeeded though.”

“Everything is going to work out for us,” Jared says reassuringly, taking instant notice of the worry lines around Jensen’s eyes and mouth. “You’ll see.”

“Yeah, I know it will,” Jensen responds, though to Jared’s ears it sounds like he is trying to convince himself of this rather than actually being sure of it. Jared expected Jensen to still have his doubts - sex doesn’t solve anything - but he is bound and determined to show Jensen that it will work out. If Jared has faith in anything it’s in them and he knows they will be okay; this time around they will get the happy ending they were intended to all along.

Previous ll Index ll Next

Maude Adams Lane: Part Ten

2009-08-11T00:12:38Z

-~*~-
Part Ten
-~*~-

August 1st, 2008

Justin is close behind him as they enter the bakery and Jared has to snicker behind his palm at the way his friend lights up at the sight of Misha. It is no secret to anyone besides Misha that Justin has a crush on the blue eyed cutie. Justin is pretty obvious about it, and Jared has to wonder if Misha is really that oblivious or if he knows Justin is into him and just isn’t saying anything.

Jared has to smile whenever they are around each other because in his opinion they would make a really cute couple. He can’t tell if Misha is interested in Justin at all though, and every time he asks Jensen about it the green eyed man just shrugs and says he doesn’t know, that Misha keeps things like that very well hidden.

Jared hopes Misha is into Justin though, because he is thinking about trying to set them up on a date. He hasn’t come up with a plan of how he will do this yet, doesn’t even know if it is something he will in fact do, but if neither of them make a move of some kind soon he thinks an intervention might be in order.

He has never seen Justin interested in anyone that wasn’t Tom Welling, so it is nice to see him actually moving on. His friend deserves to be happy and Misha is a nice enough guy; they could be really good for each other. No matter how many times Jared tells him he should just ask Misha out however, Justin refuses.

He isn’t usually the shy type, but with Misha it is different. Jared thinks Justin is afraid of rejection - and that is really saying something since Justin doesn’t normally have any problems asking someone out - and that makes him think that Justin must really like Misha if that’s what he’s afraid of. This is why Jared wants to set them up so badly. He doesn’t know if he should though, because it really is none of his business and he doesn’t want Justin to get mad at him for interfering.

Wish I knew what I should do, he thinks with a mental shake of his head as they near the front counter.

He feels a smile growing on his own face the moment he catches sight of Jensen coming out of the back room, a fresh batch of brownies in hand. Jensen smiles warmly in return before turning to the glass case beside the front counter where various treats are on display. Jared watches as Jensen places the brownies in the case and grins happily when Jensen hands him one.

Not one to turn down free food, Jared takes the brownie gratefully and bites into it, savoring the taste as it explodes on his taste buds. The other three men in the room watch him with amused expressions on their faces as he moans his appreciation, but he just grins goofily and takes another bite.

“I’ll admit your brownies are damn good Jen, but he’s making them look orgasmic,” Misha laughs as he shakes his head in disbelief and looks at Jared like he is crazy.

“I have a special place in my heart for these brownies,” Jared responds with a nod of his head before turning to Jensen. “You should’ve given me the job here, would’ve been nice to be around all these sweets day in and day out.”

“I tried to but the Coffee House snatched you up before I could,” Jensen defends himself before a smirk forms on his lips. “Though I’m thinking it might’ve been a good idea you didn’t wait for my call, otherwise I wouldn’t have any baked goods to sell to customers; you would’ve eaten them all.”

Jared sticks his tongue out at the gibe before finishing off what is left of the brownie and leaning his elbows on the counter, watching the two men behind it. Jensen leans against it as well, close enough that Jared can feel his body heat on his right arm. The urge to lean across the space separating them and press his lips to the skin of Jensen’s jaw is strong but he manages to restrain himself, a little afraid to find out how Jensen would react.

Over the past week they have spent a lot of their free time together, catching up on each other’s lives and relearning one another, slowly growing closer. In a lot of ways Jensen has changed quite a bit but at the same time he is still the same guy that Jared remembers. The changes are basically just his maturity showing through; he is a lot more responsible than he used to be, even though at eighteen he was pretty responsible already. Having a kid has changed him though, changed his priorities, and Jared loves watching him with his son.

There is no doubt that Jensen is a terrific dad and seeing him with Jayden can be rather heartwarming. It is obvious that his world revolves around his son and that he would do anything for Jayden. Jared can understand perfectly; he has grown to love the kid as well and is proud to say he is slowly creating a bond with the little boy who has so quickly stolen his heart.

Seeing Jensen with Jayden makes Jared’s heart ache though, because he realizes how much he wants to be a part of that, wants them to be his family. There was never any question that he was still in love with Jensen - seeing the guy again proved that because his feelings have only grown stronger - but he has also fallen for Jayden during the time that he has known him and he wants both of the Ackles boys in his life.

“Jay,” Jensen’s voice brings Jared out of his thoughts. “Your head was in the clouds again.”

“His head is always in the clouds these days, that’s nothing new,” Justin says with a smirk, looking at Jared knowingly. “So Jay, do tell us, what is on your mind so much that it’s constantly taking you away from us? Or is it someone on your mind?”

Jared feels his cheeks heating up as he glares at Justin, knowing what his friend is suggesting and not appreciating it. As long as Jensen doesn’t catch on then I won’t have to kill Justin, he decides as he continues to glare at his friend. However, when Jared looks at Jensen he finds him staring at him with intense eyes and a soft, shy smile.

Oh God, does he know? Jared worries as he tears his eyes away from Jensen’s, his cheeks stained a deep crimson. Now that he thinks about it though, he realizes that Jensen was smiling, so if he does suspect that Jared still has feelings for him it obviously doesn’t bother him too much. This encourages Jared more than he wants it to, the last thing he needs is any false hope after all.

“Okay, lets leave Jared alone now,” Jensen says with a soft laugh, eyes shining with amusement. “I’ll admit it’s fun making him blush, but I think he’s been embarrassed enough.”

“If you guys don’t stop picking on me I’m going to leave,” Jared threatens but his beet red cheeks weaken his words.

Justin and Misha smirk at him while Jensen looks at him with soft eyes, but none of them attempt to comment further. The damage is already done though; Jared is embarrassed beyond belief, so he decides to head back to the ranch. He just recently got the horses back from a friend of the family and he has wanted to take Sidney out on a walk; today is just as good a day as any.

He says a quick goodbye to Jensen and Misha before Justin follows him out of the bakery, a satisfied smile on his face that makes Jared scowl. Jerk, he muses fondly.

:0Ж0:

August 3rd, 2008

Jared is sitting at the front of the Coffee House during his lunch break, nursing a hot mocha, when Misha suddenly drops down onto the seat across from him. Jared is startled at first but smiles in greeting once the surprise wears off. The blue eyed man leans back in his chair, a cup of coffee resting between his hands, and he looks completely at ease.

Jared has had the time to get to know Misha and knows firsthand why Jensen likes the guy so much. He is funny and witty and an all round nice guy. He is easy to talk to and Jared felt relaxed within the first five minutes of being in his company. It certainly isn’t hard to like him.

“What do you have there?” Misha asks curiously, gesturing to the notebook lying open in front of Jared.

“It’s nothing,” Jared replies as he flips it closed, smiling a bit sheepishly at the raised eyebrow he gets for this action. “It’s just a novel I’m working on, but I don’t let anyone read my writing so don’t even ask.”

The only person he has ever let read anything he has written is Jensen, and he only let him read one of his stories. That may be the reason no one took his writing seriously, but Jared is self conscious of his writing ability and feels more comfortable letting strangers read his writing than family or friends. This is why he always planned to use an alias if he ever became an author. He felt comfortable enough to let Jensen read one of his short stories though, and that was only because Jensen pestered him to death.

He took Jensen’s words to heart, pleased his boyfriend had liked what he had read, but even after that one time he could never muster up enough courage to let Jensen read one of his novels. Writing is something he keeps to himself for the most part, the one thing that is his alone, and he likes to keep it that way.

Misha raises his hands in surrender as a soft laugh escapes him. “Alright I won’t pry, I swear. I’m just surprised. I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“Jensen didn’t mention it, huh?” Jared asks, not all that surprised. “I’ve enjoyed writing since I was… well for as long as I can remember actually. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I really got into it and considered making a career out of it. Never happened obviously, but it’s still a hobby of mine.”

Misha nods his head as though he understands. “I’ve always enjoyed writing poetry but I’ve never planned to publish any of it, just something I’ve always done in my spare time,” he says with a slight shrug. “So, you just carry a notebook around with you everywhere you go in case inspiration hits?”

Jared takes a drink of his mocha, turning his head to look out the window, silently enjoying the sunshine upon his face. “I normally like to use my laptop when I write, it’s just so much easier to type than it is to use a pen, takes less time, but I have to use a notebook when I’m at work on my breaks.”

“Have you ever thought about trying to get any of your stuff published, as sort of a side thing, not an actual career?”

Jared nods. “I’ve thought about it many times, but… I dunno, I just haven’t actually tried hard enough I guess. Maybe one day I’ll actually do something about all my writing, but for now I’m content with just keeping it for myself.”

“I can understand that,” Misha responds before a companionable silence falls over their table. Jared stares out the window as Misha takes a drink of his coffee every so often, comfortable in each other’s presence, no need for words. Jared lets his thoughts wander to Jensen, picturing his face clearly in his mind, unable to stop a smile from forming on his lips.

“You still care about Jen, don’t you?” Misha speaks up, ever the observant one.

Jared opens and closes his mouth as he turns to face Misha once more, not sure if he should be truthful or try to lie. He can’t be sure he could even lie; he hasn’t exactly been subtle when around Jensen, so Misha probably wouldn’t believe a word he said. He pretty much has me figured out anyway, Jared muses to himself, kind of glad he has someone close to Jensen that he can admit his feelings to.

“I don’t think I ever really stopped caring,” he says softly. “Jensen’s… he’s… well he’s not easy to get over.”

Misha nods, a look of understanding on his features. “Jensen’s special, everyone that knows him can’t help but love him. And you are, aren’t you? Still in love with him, I mean.”

Jared isn’t even going to try to deny it so he simply nods his head ruefully. “Yeah… I tried to move on, but… I just couldn’t. I don’t think I ever really fell out of love with him. I know it’s crazy to love someone for that long, to still love him after ten years, but… I just do.”

“If you still love him then why haven’t you talked to him about it? Why haven’t you just told him how you feel?”

Jared just gapes back at Misha like he has lost his mind. “I can’t tell him, he’ll either pity me or think I’m crazy for holding on all this time. I know I’m pathetic, there’s no denying that, but he doesn’t have to know it!”

“I can understand why you wouldn’t want to tell him but I don’t think you’ll get the reaction you’re expecting,” Misha says softly, looking at Jared intently.

Jared latches onto these words the second they leave Misha’s mouth. ‘Why would you say that? What do you know that I don’t? Has Jensen said anything?” The questions spew forth from Jared like a geyser, one right after the other, his heart feeling as though it is lodged in his throat the whole time. “Come on, tell me what you know.”

Misha just kind of smirks and shakes his head. “I may know something, but then again I may not,” he says so nonchalantly that Jared wants to reach across the table and hit him. “The only way you’re going to find out is if you ’fess up to Jen.”

“I hate you, I hope you know that,” Jared says with a pout, wanting desperately to know if Jensen has any kind of feelings for him but not sure he can muster up the courage to admit his own emotions. I’m such a loser, he berates himself as he drops his head onto the table, banging it a couple of times as Misha laughs softly at him.

“So, can I get your opinion on something?”

Jared lifts his head, eyes narrowed into a glare. “You tell me what Jensen told you and I’ll give you my opinion on whatever you want, otherwise go to hell,” he says scornfully and pouts when Misha just laughs at him once more.

“I was thinking about asking Justin out but… well I don’t really know what he’d like to do and I’d like to take him on a date he’d enjoy.”

Despite still pouting over the whole Jensen thing still, Jared can’t help but smile when he hears this. He was beginning to think Justin and Misha would never get their heads out of their asses but finally one of them is going to take that step. He knew Justin wanted to take that step but had been too much of a chicken shit to actually get up the nerve to ask Misha out. Glad Misha’s finally taking matters into his own hands, he thinks with a smile.

“I just don’t know him well enough to know what he likes to do for fun,” Misha continues when Jared fails to respond. “I figured you might have some good suggestions for me.”

“Justin isn’t really hard to please, trust me. Besides, he’ll be on a date with you, I highly doubt he’ll care what you guys do too much,” Jared says with a smirk, satisfied when Misha blushes. “But if you really must know then Justin likes to have fun, taking him to a fair or a comedy club would gain you some major points. He can be romantic when the situation calls for it but for the first date I’d go with something like that, he’d enjoy it more.”

“A comedy club…” Misha draws out the words, contemplative. “Yeah that sounds like it’d be a good idea. Thanks for the help Jare.”

“You’re welcome… now, are you going to clue me in on what Jensen’s said to you?” Jared asks expectantly.

Misha smirks as he rises from the table. “Nope,” he says with a chuckle before turning on his heel and heading towards the door.

Jared growls under his breath, silently cursing Misha’s very existence, but he perks up when Misha calls back to him before he leaves, an innocent smile on his face. “Talk to him Jared, you won’t regret it.”

:0Ж0:

August 9th, 2008

“Wow, it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen them,” Jensen says with fondness in his voice as he steps up to Sidney’s stall and reaches a hand out to run down her mane. “Hey there sweetheart, you’re looking as gorgeous as I remember.”

Jared watches with affection from the barn entrance as Jensen showers each of the horses with love. It feels good to see him in this barn again, with the horses, it brings back memories. It doesn’t take much to close his eyes and envision an eighteen year old Jensen doing the exact same thing the twenty-eight year old Jensen is doing.

Jensen hasn’t really changed all that much in appearance. He has filled out in places and grown muscle mass where he didn’t have it before, is still thin but not skinny, and he has obviously aged a little in the face, but he doesn’t look all that different from how Jared has always remembered him. He is looking good, if Jared is to be honest, probably better than he did ten years ago.

Jensen turns to him finally with a beaming smile on his face and Jared feels as though all the air has been sucked out of his lungs, leaving him staring dumbly back at Jensen with his heart pounding in his chest. Jensen doesn’t seem to notice the effect he has on Jared as he turns and takes a good look around the barn.

“You know, when I first moved back into town I drove by this place,” Jensen says softly, looking reminiscent as his eyes sweep over the barn and stop on the loft. “I didn’t stop even though I really wanted to.”

“You want to take the horses out?” Jared asks quickly, as shocked as Jensen is by the sudden change in subject. He hadn’t even realized he was going to ask that until the words left his mouth. “You know, for old time’s sake.”

Jensen smiles again, genuine happiness, as he nods his head. “That sounds awesome,” he says as he reaches for one of the saddles and heads to Lightning’s stall, his unofficial horse.

Jared does the same with Sidney, and once everything is ready they mount the horses and guide them down the driveway. Jared sighs happily, feeling the sun caressing his face and his favorite horse beneath him, realizing just how much he has missed this. It has been years since he has ridden a horse, much less his horse, and it is even better knowing Jensen’s right beside him.

It almost feels like old times, save for the fact that they are nothing but friends now instead of in a relationship. Jared wants to be more though, he just doesn’t know if Jensen wants that too. He hasn’t forgotten Misha’s words, they are all he can seem to think about these past couple of days, but he is still a little nervous about striking up that conversation with Jensen. Misha managed to encourage him a little though, give him some hope where as he had next to none before.

He can’t help being a little afraid though. What if Jensen doesn’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore? What would he think of Jared if he were to find out that he still loves him after all this time? Will he think he is pathetic? Jared knows it is crazy to still love someone after ten long years. They haven’t been together for so long, Jared shouldn’t still feel so strongly for Jensen, so passionately. But he does and he can’t help thinking there might be something wrong with him because of it. Really, who holds on for that long without something being wrong with them? he thinks self deprecatingly.

“Everything okay over there?” Jensen’s voice brings him out of his thoughts. What else is new? he mocks himself once more. Maybe I should just live in my head, I seem to love it here.

He manages to give Jensen a tiny, hopefully reassuring, smile. “Yeah I’m fine, just lost in my thoughts as usual.”

Jensen grins, more fond than teasing. “You sure seem to have a lot on your mind. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you lost in thought as much as you are these days. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Nothing of importance,” Jared says quickly, probably too quickly if Jensen’s surprised look is anything to go by. “Well, what I mean is it’s nothing for you to worry about. Just trying to figure some things out and I’m the only one that can do it.”

Jensen doesn’t seem all that convinced but he doesn’t pry. “Jayden would really love to see the horses, he’s such an animal lover. Would you mind if I bring him by sometime? Maybe you could teach him how to ride?”

Jared is glad for the change of subject but he can’t help but gape at Jensen. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure,” Jensen responds with a soft laugh. “Why, do you not want to?”

“I… I mean sure, I wouldn’t mind teaching him, of course I wouldn’t mind. But I figured that’d be something you’d want to teach your son yourself, a little father, son bonding.”

“I’ll be there the whole time but Jayden really likes you, and something tells me you guys could use this time to bond yourselves. Jay is usually shy around strangers, takes him months to let anyone new in, I’ve never seen him respond to someone the way he does with you. I think this could be good for the both of you, I know there’s no one else he’d probably want to teach him either.”

Jared can’t help but grin proudly at these words. He has grown rather fond of Jayden and it is nice to know the little boy thinks so highly of him in return. Not to mention it strokes his ego to know Jayden hasn’t taken to anyone the way he has taken to him. He remembers that day in the kitchen, when he first met the little boy, and Jayden hid behind Jensen. He had obviously been quite shy but he was the one to strike up a conversation with Jared which, now that he thinks back on it, seemed to surprise Jensen.

Even though Jayden was willing to talk to him it took Jared some time to get the little boy to open up to him. Jayden still blushed every time Jared talked or so much as looked at him. Over time Jayden’s voice has gotten stronger though, less timid, and he runs to him the moment Jared walks into the room.

Yes, there is no doubt that Jared loves that little boy, and not just because he is Jensen’s either. There is just something special about that little kid and just the thought of him can put a smile on Jared’s face. Jayden has found a place in his heart and now Jared can’t imagine life without him in it.

“Alright,” Jared says finally, a bright smile pulling at his lips. “I’d be happy to teach him.”

:0Ж0:

They dismount the horses as soon as they reach a familiar field that neither of them has seen in what feels like forever. It has been longer for Jensen though, and it shows on his face, the way he looks around the area, reliving all the times they spent here. There is no doubt they spent some good times here, and the memories are good ones for the both of them.

Jared turns his eyes away from the sight of Jensen, who has a far away look on his face as he glances at his surroundings. The place honestly isn’t much to look at, never has been, but it holds a significance to the both of them that makes it special. It is best to come here at night, when the sky is beautiful and wide and the stars are bright.

He and Jensen spent many a night here during that summer so long ago. Aside from the loft, this field holds some of Jared’s fondest memories. Standing here with Jensen is something he never expected to happen again, yet here he is, and no matter how he tries Jared can’t seem to keep his eyes off of him.

“Never thought I could miss a field,” Jensen says with a quiet chuckle as he wags his eyebrows playfully at Jared. “It hasn’t changed much either.”

“Have you ever wondered what could have been?” Jared asks before he can talk himself out of it, just throws himself into the conversation. “Did you ever think about me? Miss me at all?”

Jensen’s eyes become soft and warm when he turns to regard Jared closely. “Sure I’ve wondered how life would be if we’d stayed together, and I’ve thought about you often over the past ten years, but you gotta understand Jay… I can’t regret the way things turned out,” he says with a touch of sorrow in his voice. “I wouldn’t have Jayden if things had turned out differently, and he’s my life, I can’t regret anything.”

“I understand that, I do, I just… I guess I just wanted to know if I was easy to get over,” Jared says softly, afraid to hear the answer while at the same time feeling stupid for even bringing the subject up.

Jensen blows out a breath and looks at Jared like he is crazy. “Of course you weren’t easy to get over Jay, what we had… I’ve never been able to find again,” he admits with a shy smile. “I loved Jenna at one point but even what I had with her paled in comparison to what we had. I honestly thought we were going to be together forever; I’d never loved someone as much as I loved you and I haven’t since.”

“I’ve asked myself over and over again, if we’d still be together and happy if we had just tried a little harder, ya know? If we hadn’t given up so easily and just worked on our relationship.”

“You can’t worry over things like that, you’ll just drive yourself insane. What’s done is done and there’s nothing either of us can do to change that. We both made our decisions, did what we felt was right at the time, and maybe it was the right thing.”

“How can you say that?” Jared asks, more vulnerable than he wants to be, knowing he stands to have his heart ripped out right now.

“I already told you, I can’t force myself to regret the decisions I’ve made because then I wouldn’t have Jayden right now. I’ll admit I hated how things ended between us and wondered if there was anything we could’ve done to stay together, but I love my son and my life wouldn’t be the same without him.”

“God,” Jared laughs humorlessly and smiles apologetically at Jensen. “I’m sounding so selfish right now, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, I understand, really I do,” Jensen smiles reassuringly, laying a hand on Jared’s shoulder and squeezing slightly. “But you need to put this in the past and stop worrying over it; it’s not going to do you any good.”

“Yeah, I know you’re right, it’s just… I never got over you Jen,” Jared whispers sincerely, watching Jensen’s reaction closely. “I tried to, for the first four months I almost believed it, but I never really stopped loving you. I’ve regretted letting you go ever since and I just… I’m still in love with you.”

Jensen’s eyes grow large as he stares at Jared in a mixture of shock and disbelief. Jared isn’t sure if this is a good sign or a bad one and the silence is making him a little nervous. He doesn’t feel the same, he worries immediately. Misha was wrong, he got over me a long time ago.

“I know it sounds crazy, to still love you after all this time, but it’s the truth,” he says quietly, wondering if it was a bad idea to tell Jensen; maybe he should have kept his mouth shut.

“I’ll admit, seeing you again has brought back memories, feelings I thought I’d left behind,” Jensen finally says, his voice sounding awed. “But… I just can’t believe it… why would you hold on for so long Jay? You should’ve moved on with your life.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to,” Jared responds, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “But you are it for me Jen, no one else was good enough. I was happiest when I was with you and I couldn’t find that with anyone else.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything, just looks at Jared in a mixture of astonishment and sympathy. Jared’s life has basically been on hold, and sure he was lonely, but he can’t regret loving Jensen, even if it made his life quite miserable at times.

He takes a step toward Jensen, smiling softly yet sadly. “I love you Jen,” he whispers into the air between them before cupping a hand around the back of Jensen’s neck and drawing their lips together for the first time in ten years. Jensen’s lips are soft beneath his and Jared is surprised but overjoyed when Jensen opens his mouth to him, inviting him inside.

Jared takes his time to enjoy it, mapping every inch of Jensen’s mouth, familiarizing himself once again with the unique taste and feel of the only man he has ever loved. Jensen is pliant beneath his lips, mouth opening accommodatingly and letting Jared control the kiss. He gives back just as good as he gets though, raising a hand to cup Jared’s cheek as he tilts his head to allow deeper access.

Jared nearly moans at the familiarity of it all. He never thought he would get the opportunity to kiss Jensen again and it is better than he remembers it to be. He groans in protest however, when Jensen tears his lips away and takes a step back, fingers tracing his mouth as he looks at Jared with expressive eyes.

“I don’t know if I can do this Jay,” he says, voice shaky as he tears his eyes away to stare at the ground.

“Why not? We both want it, you can’t tell me you don’t.” Jared knows he sounds like he is whining but he can’t help it, he wants this so badly that just a taste isn’t enough.

“I haven’t been with anyone since Jenna, haven’t even been on a date or a one nighter. I have Jayden to think about now and I can’t bring anyone into our lives if I’m not one hundred percent sure the relationship will last,” Jensen says with regret and longing etched onto his face.

“Who’s saying it won’t last? You are all I’ve wanted for the past ten years Jen. If you give me a second chance I’m sure as hell not going to be stupid enough to let you go again,” Jared says with a touch of frustration and a bit of desperation. “Plus, I love Jayden… I love both of you… I want nothing more than for you to be my family. You let me in and I swear I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen looks back at him hesitantly, looking as though he wants to throw caution to the wind and give them a second chance, but at the same time reluctant to do so. Jared can feel his heart physically starting to ache because he can tell what Jensen is about to say without Jensen even having to open his mouth.

“I still care about you Jared, it’d be pointless to even try to deny it, but… I just don’t know if I can take that chance,” Jensen tells him, a torn expression on his face.

Jared just nods stiffly, feeling a bit numb. He knew Jensen would likely reject him, but it still hurts. “Alright, I won’t push you… but… can you just promise me you’ll think about it? Don’t tell me no without really considering it first, please?”

Jensen gives him a small smile, eyes soft as he nods. “Yeah, I can do that, but I’m making no promises.”

That’s better than nothing, Jared tells himself as they mount the horses once more and guide them back in the direction of the ranch. I’m willing to take whatever I can get.

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Maude Adams Lane: Part Nine

2009-08-11T00:10:58Z

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Part Nine
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July 25th, 2008

Sometimes you just can’t go back…

Those words ring over and over in Jared’s mind, and he can feel himself deflating a little more each time. Maybe Katie is right, maybe he is being ridiculous regarding the whole thing. Just because Jensen is back in his life doesn’t mean they are going to get back together, doesn’t mean Jensen even wants to.

He had possibly been hoping, deep down, that he and Jensen could find their way back to each other if their paths ever crossed, and his hope only strengthened the second his eyes landed on the green eyed man for the first time in ten years. But now, with Katie’s words haunting his mind, he is beginning to think he has been foolish about the whole thing. It would be stupid to think they could get back together after ten years apart; this isn’t a romance movie, things like that don’t happen in real life.

“Maybe she’s right,” he whispers softly as he stares at his reflection in the mirror. “Maybe you really can’t go back.”

Jared lets out a soft sigh as he checks out his appearance in the mirror, smoothing down his burgundy colored shirt and making sure his hair looks decent. One glance at his wristwatch tells him he has twenty minutes before he is expected at Jensen’s, more time than he knows what to do with. He is already dressed (changed three different times before he found the perfect outfit) while his hair is fixed to perfection, and he has sprayed himself with a dab of cologne, wanting to look and smell his best.

Even now, looking at himself in the mirror, he feels ridiculous for getting dressed up like this. Technically all he is doing is meeting up with his ex to catch up on each other’s lives and possibly see if there is any chance of them being friends now, even after all these years. He shouldn’t be worrying about how he looks, shouldn’t feel the need to impress Jensen. But he does feel that need, always has, and it isn’t a switch he can just flip. He can only hope it will go away with time.

Yeah, like I’ve had so much luck in that department in the last ten years, he thinks sarcastically, resisting the urge to run his fingers through his hair as he turns away from his reflection and grabs his car keys from the nightstand by his bed.

Taking one last look around his room to make sure he isn’t forgetting anything, Jared heads downstairs to where Justin is sitting on the couch in the living room flipping through the channels on the television. The blonde looks up the moment Jared steps into the room and whistles appreciatively, eyes roaming up and down Jared’s body.

“Someone’s dressed to kill,” he says with a slight leering smile, eyes full of mischief. “This guy really means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”

The genuine curiosity and surprise in Justin’s voice has Jared scrunching his face up, not sure whether he should be offended by his friend’s comment or sheepish for being so obvious. “Why do you say that?”

“Dude, you seriously have to ask that?” Justin asks with a look of disbelief on his face to which Jared just raises his eyebrows. Justin sighs and rolls his eyes. “In all the years I’ve known you I’ve never seen you get dressed up unless it was one of your family members’ birthday or a holiday. You’ve only been on a couple of dates and each time you put in very little effort. You’ve never really wanted to be in a relationship, we both know it, but now… I’ve just never seen you go all out like this. It’s nice to see Jay.”

There is so much sincerity in his friend’s voice but Jared lets out a sigh and shakes his head. “I think you’ve gotten the wrong impression Justin, I’m not going on a date, I’m just meeting up with…” With what? An old friend? His ex? Jared isn’t quite sure how to finish that sentence. “I’m just meeting up with someone I knew back when I was a teenager, we’re just gonna catch up on each other’s lives.”

Justin raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying Jared’s explanation. “And you got all dressed up to hang out with someone you knew back when you were a teen? Come on Jay, do I look like I was born yesterday? I’m not buying it. You wouldn’t go all out like this just to meet up with an old friend, no way.”

Jared releases a heavy sigh, knowing there is no way he will get out of explaining this to his friend. “He wasn’t just a friend, he was my boyfriend,” he says softly, forcing himself to meet Justin’s curious stare. “We dated for about five months and he… he was my first love.”

Comprehension slowly dawns on Justin’s face as all the pieces of the puzzle fall into their respective places. “He was the one that ruined relationships for you, the one you could never let go of.”

Jared flinches when he hears this, but he isn’t altogether surprised to learn that Justin knew all along. All he had ever told his friend was that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but Justin is smart, observant, and it was only a matter of time before he worked out that Jared was still in love with someone and that was why he didn’t want to be committed to anybody. Hearing Justin say it out loud like that though, stating the truth, doesn’t make it any easier on Jared.

How he feels for Jensen, after all this time, makes him feel pathetic. He should have moved on with his life long ago, he is sure that Jensen did, and to know that he didn’t and still hasn’t… it makes him think there is something wrong with him. Who holds onto someone for ten years when they know there is very little hope of seeing that person again? Apparently I do, he thinks sardonically, smirking mockingly at himself.

“I was in love with him… and if I’m honest, I still am…” Jared says softly, shrugging his shoulders with a soft but sad smile on his face. “I knew I needed to let him go but I just couldn’t do it. No one I met compared to him, never came close, so I stopped trying to date. Deep down I knew I didn’t want anyone but him and trying to force myself into a new relationship wouldn’t work, wouldn’t be fair to the other person.”

“You think you and him have any chance of getting back together?” Justin asks quietly, looking at him with sympathetic eyes but trying to be hopeful for Jared’s sake. Jared is grateful to his friend for this but he is being practical about it too; ten long years now stand between him and Jensen and the chances of them ever getting back what they had are slim to none.

“I wish there was a chance but I don’t honestly think there is,” he says softly, sadly, before turning and leaving the house, saying he will be back later.

Sometimes you just can’t go back…

:0Ж0:

Jared pulls up in front of Jensen’s house five minutes early, parking the truck in the driveway and killing the engine. For a moment he sits there in silence, leaning against the steering wheel as he looks at the white and grey house. He isn’t quite sure what he imagined Jensen’s house would look like but it is a homely looking place. There isn’t anything overtly special about it, just an ordinary white bungalow with a grey trim to match the shutters on the windows. Somehow the place just screams Jensen though and Jared’s chest aches as he stares at it.

Knowing he will feel stupid if Jensen catches him just sitting in his truck staring at the house, Jared climbs out and follows the path up to the front door, his nerves kicking into high gear as anticipation courses through his veins. He raps on the door after taking a deep breath to calm himself and can’t stop a smile from spreading across his face when the door finally opens and Jensen is standing there, looking so comfortable and relaxed.

A grin forms on Jensen’s face the moment he sees Jared, eyes shining brightly as he ushers Jared into the house and shuts the door behind him. Jared drinks in the sight of his first love, pleased to see him looking more laidback than yesterday. The cotton t-shirt he is wearing looks soft to the touch and the jeans on his hips appear to be well worn in, the color faded. He is dressed simply, obviously not dressed to impress, but Jared thinks he couldn’t look more attractive right now.

I have it bad, he tells himself with a mental frown but pushes these thoughts away and follows Jensen into the kitchen.

“You want something to drink?” Jensen asks as he grabs a coffee mug from one of the cupboards.

“Coffee is fine,” Jared responds as he takes a seat at the kitchen table, observing Jensen in his element as he fills two mugs with rich coffee.

The man still moves with a natural grace he always seemed to have, and it all feels so familiar yet so alien at the same time; it makes Jared ache in so many different ways. This is the same man he fell in love with years ago - there are telltale signs that the boy he knew resides inside the man - but there are subtle differences as well, changes that Jared yearns to learn.

After doctoring Jared’s coffee up with cream and sugar, just the way he likes it, Jensen joins him at the table. Jared is a little flattered that Jensen would remember such a simple thing after all these years, but he knows he shouldn’t allow it to get his hopes up. Just because Jensen remembers how Jared takes his coffee doesn’t mean anything, at least not what Jared wishes it meant.

Get it out of your head Padalecki, he tells himself silently, friendship is all you’re likely to get.

“So, why did you come back to Richardson?” Jared asks out of genuine curiosity. He always assumed Jensen would move to the city, or somewhere in California, and work at some high class restaurant.

“This is my home,” Jensen replies with a shrug, looking down into his coffee mug. “I went to California with high hopes, dreamed of being a famous chef, but after a few years I realized this was where I was always meant to be. I missed home too much and I knew I had to come back; this is where I belong.”

Jared nods his head, kind of understanding where Jensen is coming from. Jared had never expected to pack everything up and move down here permanently, but somehow here he is and for the first time in a while he feels like he is right where he belongs. It is an odd feeling, strange to think about, but somehow he knows that he is finally on the right track to happiness and it feels better than he ever could explain.

“How about you though?” Jensen asks, truly wanting to know how Jared is doing. “How’s your writing coming along?”

Jared can’t stop himself from flinching slightly as he lets out a sigh and avoids Jensen’s eyes. “That… uh… never panned out, unfortunately, for me,” He chuckles as he says this, feeling uncomfortable with the subject. “I still like to write but I’m a little more realistic about it now. It’s just a hobby, not gonna make a living out of it or anything.”

Jensen frowns at this, looking at Jared like he is trying to figure him out but can’t. Jared had always been so passionate about writing and was determined to become an author. Now I sound like my family, Jared muses with a wry grin. When he was a teenager he never would have said his dream was unrealistic, but that was then and this is now. He had to grow up, had to realize that a dream doesn’t pay the bills.

His family constantly told him he was being unrealistic, so they likely played a part in him giving up his dream, but they aren’t completely to blame. He realizes that he probably just didn’t try hard enough to get noticed, didn’t try hard enough to get any of his work published. So really, who is to blame? Myself, he answers his own question with an internal sigh.

“I don’t think it’s unrealistic,” Jensen finally says after a moment. “I’ve read some of your stuff Jay, you’re a very talented writer. You could get published if you tried, I’m sure of it.”

Jared has to smile a little when he hears this. He always did have so much faith in me, he thinks fondly. Jared still enjoys writing but he can say with complete and total honesty that he isn’t sure he even wants to pursue a writing career anymore. He has too much going on right now, more important things. Maybe he will try to get published again one day, but he wouldn’t make any promises.

“I’m not too disappointed about it not working out,” Jared says with a genuine smile, showing that he is telling the truth. “I just recently moved into the old ranch house and getting it fixed up is my main priority right now.”

“I heard about Ray,” Jensen responds with remorse on his face and sadness in his eyes. “I’m really sorry Jay, I know how much you loved him. I’m sorry about Sandy too. I wanted to call when I heard about the accident but… well at the time I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me or not.”

“I wouldn’t have been upset, if that’s what you thought,” Jared says softly, looking at Jensen with warm eyes. “Okay, it probably would’ve been awkward,” he concedes with a laugh when Jensen gives him an incredulous look. “How has Chris been? He cut all contact after her death.”

“He had a really tough time with it, losing her… I was a little afraid we’d lose him too. He was in a bad place back then but he has gotten his life in order and is doing better. He has never loved anyone as much as he loved Sandy, and it took him a while, but with time he was able to accept that she was gone and he’s doing well. He’s living with Steve in L.A. now and dating again.”

“Yeah, I kind of lost contact with Steve and Jason after Chris stopped talking to us, but that’s mainly ‘cause they moved to L.A. Steve writes an email every once in a while but other than that I hardly hear from him. I heard their band got signed though.”

“Yeah, they got signed a few years ago. They’re doing really well too, not that I expected anything less,” Jensen laughs softly, eyes shining with joy for their friends’ success.

Jared opens his mouth to respond but the sound of the front door opening and then slamming closed a second later interrupts him. His instant thought is that Jensen’s boyfriend or girlfriend just got home and it has his heart nearly jumping into his throat. For some reason he hadn’t considered the idea of Jensen being in a relationship. It is all he can think about now though, and he feels stupid about the disappointment that crashes down upon him because of it.

Of course he’d be in a relationship you idiot, this is Jensen we’re talking about, who wouldn’t want to be with him? Jared berates himself in silence. Besides, you already knew you could only have his friendship, stop feeling so disappointed and be thankful for what you have!

“Hey dad!” A little boy’s voice resonates throughout the house, catching Jared completely off guard. “Riley wants to know if I can spend…”

A little boy who is the spitting image of Jensen skids to a stop the second he sees Jared, his voice trailing off as he stares at him with wide, bright green eyes, wary but curious. Jared is a little shell-shocked to learn that Jensen is a father but he still manages to smile warmly at the little boy.

The boy doesn’t smile back, just continues to look at Jared like he isn’t sure what to make of him. He has the same hair as Jensen and his brilliant green eyes are identical to his dad’s, he even has freckles scattered across his cheeks and nose. There is no mistaking that he is Jensen’s son and Jared is still trying to absorb this information.

“What did I tell you about slamming the door,” Jensen says beseechingly but he still turns to Jared with a proud smile on his face. “This is my son, Jayden.”

Jared can’t help but grin widely when he learns the kid’s name, silently wondering if he had anything to do with Jensen’s choice in name; he always called him Jay after all. God can I sound more conceited? He nearly rolls his eyes along with this thought but manages to catch himself just in time.

“Hi there Jayden, I’m Jared,” he says with a friendly smile but it swiftly disappears when Jayden’s eyes widen and he runs to Jensen, hiding behind him.

Jensen laughs and smiles apologetically at Jared. “Sorry ‘bout that, he’s kinda shy,” he says before turning to his son. “Jared’s an old friend of mine, aren’t you going to tell him hi?”

“Oh no, he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to,” Jared protests, not wanting to make the little boy uncomfortable. He can tell that Jayden is painfully shy and, believe it or not, Jared had been extremely shy when he was a kid too.

Despite knowing he doesn’t have to say anything, Jayden peeks around Jensen’s body and quietly says, “Hi Jared,” before blushing and hiding once more.

Jared and Jensen share a laugh at the boy’s actions and Jared watches fondly as Jensen turns and asks his son what he was screaming about when he first entered the kitchen.

“Riley wants to know if I can spend the night. Can I dad, please?” Jayden looks up at his dad with puppy eyes that he must have perfected because even Jared is affected by them. He imagines Jayden gets his way often.

“As long as it’s okay with his parents then I see no problem with it.”

A blinding grin works its way onto Jayden’s face as he tightly wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist and enthusiastically says “thank you” over and over. He lets go a second later and asks if he can have a sandwich. Jensen turns to Jared, excusing himself from their conversation long enough to fix his son a turkey sandwich, and when he walks over to one of the cupboards in the kitchen Jayden stands there like he doesn’t know what he should do.

He hesitantly moves closer to Jared, watching him intently as he takes a seat on Jensen’s abandoned chair. “Do you like dinosaurs?” he asks so quietly that Jared has to strain to hear him.

Jared nods, encouraged by the fact that the kid is actually talking to him. “I’ve liked them ever since I was about your age actually. The T-Rex has always been my favorite.”

Jayden’s eyes light up with excitement as he leans his elbows on the table and looks at Jared as though he is his new best friend. “Mine too!” he says a little over excitedly, his whole face practically beaming with joy. “Dad likes the long necks.”

Jared has to laugh at the way the little boy rolls his eyes and sighs as though disappointed. I like this kid already, he thinks in amusement as he finds Jensen’s eyes across the room and smirks at him. Jensen just glares back playfully and shakes his head before turning back to his task.

“What about Pirates of the Caribbean?” Jayden asks with an air of innocence only a child can have, and Jared is already completely in love with him. “Do you like that?”

“Yeah I’m a fan of those movies,” Jared responds with a smile, completely enamored with this kid. He has always loved kids, but there is just something about this little boy that he can’t help adoring.

Jayden lights up at this answer and is practically bouncing in his seat. “Do you want to watch the first movie? I can go put it in.”

Jared opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water, not really wanting to watch a two and a half hour movie right now but not wanting to see Jayden’s face fall either. He is saved from this predicament when Jensen intervenes, smiling knowingly at Jared.

“Not today Jay, Jared’s here to see me. But if you ask nicely maybe he’ll come over and watch the movie with you another day.”

Jayden is obviously disappointed, if the pout on his face is anything to go by, but he seems to know better than to argue or complain. Instead he nods his head, reluctantly, and looks up at his dad with those puppy eyes still in full effect. “Can I watch the movie then?”

“Sure, that’d be okay, you can even eat your lunch in there, but you have to sit at the coffee table,” Jensen says as he hands his son a plate with his sandwich on it. Jayden’s face brightens, all disappointment vanished in the wake of his dad’s words as he quickly runs from the room. “And don’t make a mess,” Jensen calls after him.

“He really likes those movies,” Jared comments with a small laugh once Jayden has left the room.

“It’s his latest obsession, last month it was Jurassic Park and now it’s Pirates of the Caribbean. He wants to be Captain Jack when he grows up,” Jensen responds with a laugh and a shake of his head as he joins Jared at the table. “He goes through so many phases it’s hard to keep up sometimes.”

“Well you’re very lucky, he’s a really great kid,” he praises, enjoying the smile it brings to Jensen’s face. “How old is he?”

“He just recently turned six. He’s growing up so fast, it’s kind of crazy. He’s my whole world though, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him,” Jensen’s eyes are shining as he looks up at Jared. “It’s kind of funny you know, ‘cause growing up I never thought I’d want kids, but now I can’t imagine my life without him.”

“Where’s his mom?” Jared asks as nonchalantly as he can, trying not to make it sound like he is fishing for information (even though he technically is).

“She lives in California. She never really wanted to be a mom, is too focused on her career, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love Jayden. She is trying to make it big as an actress and having Jayden around makes that difficult so she gave me full custody of him. She flies out on his birthday and the holidays to see him, and she’ll bring him out to Cali during the summer, but for the most part he lives with me.”

“I guess that means things didn’t work out between you two huh? I’m sorry.” Jared isn’t really sorry; maybe he is a little because of Jayden, that can’t be easy on a kid, but he’s also not sorry for selfish reasons.

“Her and I… we just wanted different things. We tried to make it work, at least for Jayden’s sake, but deep down we both knew it’d be best to just go our separate ways,” Jensen says with a small smile, not sounding all that upset about it.

“What happened? How did you guys meet?” Jared asks before he can stop himself. He’s not too sure he wants to hear about Jensen with someone else, but at the same time he has a morbid curiosity to know that he can’t deny.

“I met Jenna about a year after you and I broke up. And shut up about the names, people have picked on us enough about it,” Jensen says with a glare that lacks heat when he sees Jared snicker softly.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Jared says, placating, but still snickering softly. “Go ahead, please continue.”

Jensen rolls his eyes but seems more amused by Jared’s behavior than offended. “Anyways as I was saying, I met her at the record store she was working at and we kind of just hit it off. Long story short, she got pregnant with Jayden two years later so I asked her to marry me. To be honest though, I don’t think I ever really wanted to marry her because every time she tried to set a date I just kind of found a way to change the subject.”

“Then why did you ask her to marry you if that wasn’t what you really wanted?” Jared asks, feeling a little choked up at the thought of Jensen marrying somebody.

“I guess I was just trying to do the whole ‘good man’ thing. I mean we were having a baby together, the right thing to do was marry her,” Jensen laughs, a soft, critical laugh that says he thinks he was stupid back then. “By the time Jayden was born though, she was done being patient, told me to man up and commit to her already.”

Jensen’s laugh is anything but humorous and Jared almost grimaces in sympathy. “Did you set a date then?”

“Yeah, we set it, but things just went downhill from there,” Jensen says with a sigh as he rises from his chair and heads to the coffee maker, pouring himself another cup. Jared thinks it is more so he is doing something, needing to move, because Jensen has always been this way when talking about serious things like this. “We started fighting all the time, could hardly be in the same room without getting on each others nerves. I knew it was ‘cause I didn’t love her like that and I felt trapped, not really wanting to be with her anymore but feeling obligated at the same time.”

Jensen returns to the table with a fresh cup of coffee and gives Jared a little smile. “We both knew we couldn’t live like that much longer so we sat down one night and had a talk, decided it’d be best if we just split up and shared custody of Jayden.”

Jared frowns in confusion, narrowing his eyes as he looks at the man across from him. “But I thought you said you have sole custody of him?”

“I do now, but at first we shared custody,” Jensen says, giving Jared a smile, skin crinkling at the corners of his eyes. “Then she decided she wanted to go back to pursuing her acting career, like she was doing when we first met, and when it seemed she was getting somewhere with it she decided to give me full custody. Jenna is pretty cool about everything though. I wouldn’t say we’re friends exactly but we’re civil with each other and she never tried to keep my son from me, so I have that to be thankful for.”

Jared nods in understanding as he returns Jensen’s smile. “I’m glad everything worked out so well for you.”

“Enough about me though, how’s everything going for you?” Jensen asks, taking a drink of his coffee and giving Jared his full attention. “What have you been doing with your life in the ten years since I last talked to you? Are you in a relationship?”

He asks this last question so casually, so nonchalant, that it sounds like he’s just curious about all aspects of Jared’s life. But Jared sincerely doubts that is why Jensen asked, and the mere thought has hope rising inside of him, flaring hot and bright.

“I’m not in a relationship right now, haven’t been for a little while to be completely honest,” Jared answers after a moment, not admitting that Jensen was technically his last relationship, fearing that would make him sound pathetic. “And I haven’t been doing anything special with my life that is worth talking about,” he continues before Jensen can question him on the reason for his relationship status, which he could tell Jensen wanted to.

“Aw come on, I’m sure that’s not true,” Jensen responds with an adorable smile, urging Jared with his eyes.

“I’m serious, my story is nowhere near as interesting as yours is,” Jared insists with a sheepish smile.

“Let me be the judge of that.”

Jared rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “There’s not much to tell. After high school I planned to go to college but I wanted to take a break first, about a year or so, but somehow a year turned into three. Around the time I finally decided to go to college I was only there for probably close to a year, maybe a little over, and then Sandy was killed so… I dropped out, it was just too hard on me.”

“I’m so sorry Jared,” Jensen says sincerely, sympathy written all over his face. “I can’t imagine how horrible that must’ve been for you.”

“Yeah…” Jared whispers somewhat sadly before shaking himself out of memories of his best friend. “From there I went through a string of restaurants, working as a waiter. I worked at a grocery store for about a year and a half but for the most part I’ve always found jobs as a waiter. I hated it though, it was never what I wanted to do with my life, so when the idea came to fix up and run Grandpa Ray’s ranch I fought to make it happen. Quit my job and packed up everything I own, moved down here as soon as I could.”

“I was meaning to ask you how that was going. Do you have someone helping you out?” Jensen asks curiously, leaning his elbow on the table top while resting the side of his head on the heel of his hand, watching Jared intently.

“A good friend of mine, Justin, moved down here with me to help out until I can find someone a little more permanent,” Jared answers with a relieved smile on his face, trying not to blush under the weight of Jensen’s stare. “I couldn’t be more grateful ‘cause I don’t think I would’ve been able to do this if it weren’t for him. I certainly can’t run the place all on my own.”

“Yeah, you’re going to need a few ranch hands, it’s definitely not a one person job,” Jensen agrees with a nod of his head. “If you need any help, anything at all, just let me know. I’ll help if I can.”

Jared smiles his thanks before ducking his head, trying to escape Jensen’s heavy stare. How is it that he can still affect me this way? he muses silently in amazement, his stomach tumbling in excitement. He takes a drink of his coffee, glancing up at Jensen over the rim of his mug, his heart skipping a beat at the intense look in those brilliant green eyes. He can’t read the expression deep inside them, but it makes his heart beat a little faster so he assumes it has to be something good.

“So, now that we’re both back in town, can we hang out again sometime?” Jared asks as calmly as he can, his voice wavering with nerves just slightly, afraid of what Jensen might say. “Maybe we could get coffee.”

Jensen is quiet for a moment, looking at Jared as though assessing him, like he is trying to figure out what his motives are. Jared will admit his motives aren’t entirely innocent; he is still interested in Jensen and would love to see if the chemistry is still present, if they could get back what they gave up so easily, but he is more than willing to settle with friendship. He just wants Jensen back in his life, in any way, shape or form.

“Yeah, coffee sounds good,” Jensen finally answers, a shy smile pulling at his lips, green eyes bright and clear. “Just give me a date and time and I’ll be there.”

Jared smiles again, encouraged, and licks his parched lips before ducking his head once more. Don’t get your hopes up, he tells himself over and over but he knows it is far too late, hope has blossomed in his chest and there is nothing he can do about it now.

The way Jensen looks at him, the way he smiles at Jared is how he used to back when they were dating, and it gives Jared reason to believe that Jensen may not be completely over him either.

Previous ll Index ll Next

Maude Adams Lane: Part Eight

2009-08-11T00:09:38Z

-~*~-
Part Eight
-~*~-

July 24th, 2008

Jared can’t help but smile in barely concealed excitement as he passes the Richardson city limits with the key to the ranch house a new addition on his key ring. His dad had been surprised to hear he wanted to fix up the old ranch, to bring it back to its former glory, but he hadn’t questioned Jared. He could tell this was one thing his son felt strongly about and gave the keys over relatively easy enough. He was only a little worried about Jared because this is a big decision.

Jared had to quit his job to move down here but he feels pretty confident that he can find another one. He already has an interview set up for a bakery in town that he heard about from Katie. She said it only opened two years ago and was recently looking for help. He also has a couple of other interviews lined up throughout the week. He is pretty confident that he will be able to find work; he is determined enough and has put in applications everywhere that had a ‘help wanted’ sign in the window.

The biggest surprise was when Justin said he would come with Jared to help him run the ranch until he could find someone full time. Apparently the blonde has experience on a farm, something that Jared never knew about but was more than happy to hear. Justin said he needed a change of scenery anyway, needed to get away from Tom and move on with his life. Jared couldn’t have agreed more; he has always hated how Justin pined after Tom knowing he would never see a change in results, and he is happy to see his friend is getting his life in order.

In a way they are helping each other out and that works just fine for Jared. Justin will help him out as long as he needs him to and once Jared gets on his feet enough to hire some help then Justin will find work of his own in town. Part of Jared is just glad that Justin came with him because he hated having to leave his friends behind. He knew beforehand that there was no way Chad would move out here with him, not with Sophia living in San Antonio. Besides, Chad dislikes small towns, is too much of a city boy to move out onto a ranch. He will miss having Chad around but knows they will keep in touch, they always have.

This was something Jared felt strongly about though; he hasn’t felt this strongly about something in a long time, and he knew he had to make this happen. Not just for him but also for his grandpa, because he knows his grandfather would hate to see his prized possession sitting abandoned and left to rot like his life’s work didn’t matter to anyone. That isn’t the case though, because it means everything to Jared, and not just because of the memories he had with Jensen here.

This ranch has many memories, is special to him in so many ways, and Jared hates to see it appear so unloved. Jared knows he can love it just as much as his grandpa did, can get it back in working order and take over where his grandpa left off. He can return it to its former glory with just a bit of help, he is sure of it, and he will see to it that he does. A little hard work and dedication never hurt anybody, and Jared is bound and determined to do this. If he wasn’t serious about this he wouldn’t have quit his job and moved out of his hometown.

One look in the rearview mirror shows Justin’s Honda Civic following closely behind, careful not to lose sight of Jared. It comforts him to know the blonde has his back; Jared doesn’t know what he would have done without his friend’s help. He certainly couldn’t have run this ranch on his own.

That familiar road sign looms up ahead and Jared can’t keep a smile of excitement off his face as he turns down Maude Adams Lane, Justin following him down the old dirt road. The ranch house is just ahead of them looking lonely and rundown but Jared knows it won’t stay that way for long.

He pulls his truck up and parks in front of the old house, his meager belongings strapped down in the back. All of his grandpa’s furniture is still in the house, no one had the heart to take it out and get rid of it, so Jared knew he didn’t need take any of his furniture with him. He never liked any of his furniture anyway, most of it bought at thrift stores and yard sales, all mismatched crap that he always hated and never thought reflected his personality. It was just convenient because it was cheap and he needed it.

Justin steps out of his car as Jared climbs out of the truck, both looking up at the boarded house. Part of him was expecting his friend to be kind of disgusted by the state of the old ranch house - Jared knows the place has seen better days - but Justin actually looks pretty impressed. Of course, he isn’t Chad after all, he reminds himself with a small smile, knowing Chad would be put off by the state of disrepair and would probably run the other way the second he saw the house.

“Pretty sweet setup your grandpa had here,” Justin says appraisingly, the sun glinting off his blonde hair as he squints up at the house, looking it over. “I can see why you’d want to fix it up before it’s too late to, this place has promise and is definitely still salvageable.”

“Yeah, I knew if I wanted to do this I had to do it fast,” Jared responds as he looks up at the house as well. “So, do you want to check out the inside?”

“Lead the way.” Justin smiles as he follows Jared up the old porch stairs.

“Keep in mind no one has stepped foot in here in years, I’m sure it’s accumulated a lot of dust and stuff,” Jared warns, feeling it is necessary, once more forgetting that he isn’t talking to Chad, who would have been his prissy self about it.

Justin just laughs and shakes his head. “I’m not stupid Jare, I kind of figured the place would be dusty… it is boarded up.”

Jared smiles apologetically before turning and unlocking the front door, stepping inside the dark house for the first time in two years. The place desperately needs to be aired out and from what light is seeping through the boards on the windows, dust now covers every surface.

Justin looks around with interest as he walks from room to room, checking everything out, before eventually venturing upstairs. In the meantime Jared heads into the living room, streaks of sunlight dancing on the walls, and he removes the plastic covering the couch. It is still in great condition, the plastic protecting it from dust and anything that could have damaged it.

“This is going to be one gorgeous house once you get it fixed up,” Justin says, whistling appraisingly, as he descends the stairs. “So, where will I be staying? How about in here?”

Jared looks up to find Justin heading into the room off to the right of the stairs, Jensen’s room, and Jared feels as though his heart has skipped a beat. He practically yells ‘no’ before he even realizes he is doing it and when Justin turns to him with wide eyes Jared pauses to assess his reaction. He really doesn’t like the idea of Justin staying in what he still considers to be Jensen’s room, but then that would only leave Grandpa Ray’s room and Jared likes that even less.

“Um okay… well, did you have somewhere else in mind for me to stay?” Justin asks, eyeing Jared warily.

Jared visibly shakes himself and tries his best to smile. “No, I’m sorry, it’s alright if you stay in that room. It’d probably be best ‘cause I can’t stand the thought of anyone taking over my grandpa’s room, I can’t even stay in there, so you can take the room down here.” It takes a lot out of him to say these words, giving Jensen’s room to someone else, even if it is his friend. But it needs to be done, and Jared needs to move on… maybe this can be the first, tiny step in the right direction. Hopefully, he thinks to himself.

Once they bring their things in they quickly get to work on taking some of the boards off the windows, letting in some sunlight and fresh air. Beyond that, Jared decides not to worry about the millions of things that need to be done on the house, they can wait until another day. They still don’t have any water or electricity, but Jared is positive it will be on sometime today, the people at the electric and water company told him it would be for sure. This is a good thing because he doesn’t want to go too long without water.

For now he has a job interview to get ready for though, and it would be wise to look his best. He really needs a job and walking in there looking like a bum would be a surefire way of not getting it. He feels hot and sticky, just from the little bit of work they did around the house, but without water there is very little he can do about it. He makes do with some deodorant and a splash of cologne, in hopes of hiding any unpleasant aromas his body may be emitting.

He picks out his best grey button down shirt and black pants from his luggage, both of which were placed carefully inside so they wouldn’t get wrinkled. Lastly he styles his hair the best he can, using some products instead of water, and then places some respectable shoes on his feet. He doesn’t dress like this too often, more comfortable in a pair of jeans and t-shirt, but the situation calls for decent clothes.

A low whistle comes from the direction of his bedroom door and he whirls around to find Justin leaning against the doorjamb, giving Jared an appraising look. “You’ve cleaned up nicely; if the interview were based on your looks alone you’d nail the job,” he compliments with a smile on his face, smirking when Jared blushes.

“Thanks,” Jared whispers before once more turning to look at his reflection in the mirror, sighing softly. “But I highly doubt my looks will land me a job.”

“It’s a bakery Jare, you’ve worked as a waiter for years now, you have the experience, I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Justin tells him reassuringly, helping Jared to relax and his nerves to calm somewhat.

Jared glances down at his watch, seeing that his interview is in half an hour. He inhales deeply before letting it out slowly, soothingly, and smiles hopefully at his friend. “Well, wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it,” Justin says firmly and it builds Jared’s confidence, just like he knew it would.

:0Ж0:

Fifteen minutes later Jared pulls his car to a stop along the curb outside the quaint bakery, groaning softly when he realizes he has fifteen minutes before he has to be at his interview. Showing up early could impress them though, he thinks to himself nervously.

He sits in the driver’s seat of his Ford for a minute or two, wondering if he should go in even though he is early. He figures it couldn’t hurt, at least he isn’t late, and coming in early might give them a good first impression. He really doesn’t want to sit out here in front of the building in his truck like an idiot either.

Decision made, Jared climbs out of the cab of his truck, locking the doors behind him, and confidently heads into the little bakery. The smell of baked goods hits him immediately and already his mouth is watering. If does manage to get the job he knows it will be like heaven and hell all in one because Jared has always loved his sweets and being around them day in and day out will be torture, not just on him but his wallet as well.

A man with black hair and startling blue eyes stands behind the counter, smiling in greeting. Jared approaches with a smile of his own, suppressing the urge to run a hand through his neatly styled hair, a nervous habit he can’t seem to break himself of.

“How may I help you?” The blue eyed man asks in a friendly tone, that smile still stretched across his face. It is an appealing smile Jared must admit, though he quickly banishes the thought because the last thing he needs to be doing is checking out a guy at a time like this.

“Hi, my name is Jared Padalecki. I have an interview today with… uh…” Jared falters for a moment, realizing he has no idea who is interviewing him. When he got the call back all the person over the phone said was that he had an interview at two o’clock. “I have a two o’clock interview.”

“Ah, that’s right, Padalecki,” the man (Misha, Jared reads on his nametag), says in comprehension. “Let me let the boss know you’re here.”

Jared just nods his head, watching Misha head to a door off to the right of them, disappearing behind it. For a moment he just stands there, rolling the name around in his head, wondering what the odds are that this guy would share the same name as one of Jensen’s best friends.

It would seem that no matter what he does there is just something in this town that makes him think of his first love. He wishes he could escape it, put the past in the past once and for all, but it would seem that is unlikely to happen… at least not right away. There is still hope, he tells himself silently with a mental sigh.

A minute later Misha returns and sends Jared back to the boss’ office, showing him the way. The door is already ajar when Jared reaches it but instead of walking right in like he was raised with no manners, he knocks on the door and waits for a response, his nerves returning.

Jared nearly jumps back in surprise when the door flies open, not expecting it. It feels like his heart has leaped into his throat though, when a pair of familiar bright green eyes, eyes he never expected to see again, stare into his own. Jared swears he can hear his heart beating in his ears, his breathing sounding louder than normal, and all he can seem to do is stand there stock still with wide, disbelieving eyes. This can’t be real, has to be an hallucination, his mind playing tricks on him. There is no way that is Jensen standing in front of him, smiling softly but clearly growing concerned the longer Jared stands there unmoving, unblinking.

Those are the same green eyes that Jared remembers so clearly though, still a bright shade and still full of life. Every freckle is the same, same smile and crinkles at the corners of his eyes. He is obviously older; age has agreed with him in the ten years since Jared had seen him last, but he is unmistakably Jensen. It is all just so unbelievable and overwhelming and Jared doesn’t quite know how to react. He had always wondered what he would do if he saw Jensen again but he never actually believed he would, it isn’t often that that happens in life.

Jensen is looking really good though, healthy and happy. His hair is cut a little shorter than Jared remembers, there are no bangs framing the sides of his temples or strands of hair spread across his forehead. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes are a little more pronounced than they used to be, especially when he smiles. This just accentuates his already handsome looks though, and Jared can’t help thinking Jensen is looking even better than he remembers.

“Been a long time,” Jensen says with a kind smile, concern playing in his eyes as he motions Jared inside his office. “You look good.”

“Yeah… uh, so do you,” Jared manages to respond once he finds his voice, moving to sit on the chair placed in front of Jensen’s desk. “So, a bakery huh?”

Jensen chuckles, soft and warm and so damn familiar it makes Jared’s chest ache. “Yeah, who woulda thought?” he jokes lightly, giving a slight shake of his head. “I was going to college to be a chef and then a year in I decided baking was where my true passion and talent lay so I decided to pursue this instead.”

“You got your own bakery, I’d say everything’s working out in your favor.”

Jensen nods. “Business is better than I ever thought it’d be.”

“You underestimate yourself, you’re an excellent baker Jen; it doesn’t surprise me to hear your business is doing so well,” Jared responds sincerely, the nickname slipping out naturally and before Jared has time to censor himself.

Jensen grins a bit shyly, not blushing like he used to do when he was a teenager, and Jared has to admit he is a little disappointed. He used to love making Jensen blush. Times have changed though, things are different, they are different, and technically Jared doesn’t know Jensen all that well anymore, not like he used to anyway.

That thought alone is a bit depressing but not exactly unexpected. It has been ten years since they last saw each other after all; a lot is bound to have changed within that amount of time. Jared can’t help wondering how much has changed though. Is Jensen at all like Jared remembers him to be or are things so different now that they are practically strangers? Sadly, it feels like it may be the latter, but Jared desperately hopes that isn’t the case.

“Anyways, want to get down to business and get this interview over and done with?” Jensen asks as he straightens, smoothing his features into a professional look, then opening a folder in front of him, taking the cap off a pen.

Jared can feel trepidation fill him now that he is reminded of the true reason for his being here. “I don’t know… you don’t think it might be a little weird, considering our history?” he asks quietly, feeling it would be too weird to work for Jensen. Maybe I should call off this interview and tell him to just hire someone else, he thinks as he worries his lip.

“Just because we know each other shouldn’t be a problem Jared. You deserve the same chance everyone else does, and I promise if I decide to hire you it will be because you are most qualified and not because of our history or some misplaced feeling. I’m professional, as I’m sure you are, and I won’t let personal feelings or whatnot get in the way of that,” Jensen says seriously and normally Jared would be worried that he has offended him, but even after all this time he can read Jensen easily and he knows he has done no such thing.

Jensen is just telling him straight that even though he knows Jared and they have a history, he is still going to be professional and leave personal things out of his decision making. He is looking for what is best for his business and Jared doesn’t stand a better or worse chance than anyone else looking to snag the job. Jared respects him for this and it actually helps to calm his nerves somewhat.

Jared lets an easy smile form on his face as he gestures with his hand. “Alright then, interview away.”

:0Ж0:

All in all Jared thinks the interview went well, even though it felt weird being interviewed by Jensen. He thinks he made a good impression and Jensen seemed pleased with what he read on the file laid out in front of him and what he heard straight from Jared’s mouth. He can’t be sure he will get the job, but he is feeling pretty good about it and thinks his chances are pretty high. Despite his trepidation to work for Jensen, to work with Jensen, Jared really does want the job just as much as he needs it and he hopes Jensen will call him back letting him know he got it.

He feels a little dazed as he follows Jensen out of his office, a little overwhelmed by everything that has happened since he stepped foot into the building. Misha is standing by the counter, tending to a customer, and Jared takes a second to look at the man. There is no doubt now that this is the Misha Jensen told him about back when they were teenagers, the very same Misha that Jensen dated.

The guy is exceptionally gorgeous, and Jared can see why Jensen had been attracted to him. It is more than his looks though; from the brief time Jared has spent in this man’s presence Jared can tell he is a genuinely nice person. Jared always thought he would be a tad jealous if he were to ever meet this man but for some reason he feels no such emotion. He may have had Jensen first but he didn’t have his heart, not like Jared did, and Jared just can’t be jealous of him in any way.

Jared draws himself out of his observation of Misha when Jensen steps in front of him, saying he will walk him out. Jared obediently follows Jensen out of the building, stepping out onto the sidewalk and taking in a deep breath of fresh air. It is hot out, but not oppressively so, and Jared enjoys the warmth of sunshine on his face. It feels strange standing here with Jensen again after so long but it also feels right. That thought makes him feel both good and sad at the same time.

“So I can be expecting a call from you, telling me if I got the job or not,” Jared says for confirmation and just to say something to break the silence between them.

“Yeah, I’ll give you a call either way,” Jensen replies, squinting against the sun in his eyes, smiling softly at Jared.

“Can… can we maybe meet up sometime and catch up?” Jared finally voices the question he has wanted to ask from nearly the moment his shock wore off back in Jensen’s office. He tries to keep his nerves out of his voice but can’t be sure he has succeeded.

“Yeah, I think that would be nice, you could come over to my place tomorrow if you’d like. I’m not working, so we’d have some time to just hang out and talk.” Jensen seems happy enough with the idea, dare he say eager even, but Jared doesn’t want to get his hopes up, so he tells himself that he must have mistaken the eagerness in Jensen’s tone.

Jared is all too happy to agree and, even though he tells himself not to, he feels excitement coursing through his veins as they set up a time for him to show up. Jensen heads back into the bakery to write down his home address and returns a second later to give it to Jared. All too soon he is leaving Jared, having work to finish, but Jared heads back to his truck with a smile stretched from ear to ear.

He is still reeling from the fact that he has seen Jensen again and he knows for sure that it wasn’t a coincidence. This was a set up, and even though he wants to be upset with Katie for conning him like she did, he can’t do it. All he has wanted for years now was to see Jensen again, to have him back in his life, and now that has happened, despite how sure Jared was that it never would.

Jared climbs into his truck and guides it in the direction of the Coffee House to see Katie and give her a hard time before thanking her profusely. The drive only takes a couple of minutes, the Coffee House being a few blocks from the bakery, and he quickly heads inside. Katie is standing behind the counter but she motions for him to grab a table the second she sees him, whispering to one of her co-workers before joining him.

“So, how’d the interview go?” she asks as soon as she drops down onto the chair across from him.

“It went well, even though I’m sure you already knew it would,” he says with accusing eyes, trying his damnedest not to smile and give away his true feelings concerning the situation. “How could you do that Katie? Why didn’t you tell me it was Jensen’s bakery, that he’d be interviewing me?”

Her eyebrows nearly shoot up to her hairline. “I figured it’d be a pleasant surprise. I knew how much you wanted to see Jensen again; I thought you’d be happy, not chewing my head off.” She huffs indignantly and Jared nearly loses it right there, almost breaking down into laughter but somehow managing to control the urge.

“All I’m saying is a little forewarning would’ve been appreciated,” Jared says, finally allowing a small smile to play on his lips. “More importantly though, why didn’t anyone tell me Jensen was in town? You didn’t think I would’ve wanted to know?”

Katie lets out a soft sigh as she turns her head away, staring absently at the customers coming and going. “It’s not that I didn’t think about telling you Jared, there were many times I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure if I should.”

Jared raises his eyebrows at this, looking at her incredulously. “This is Jensen we’re talking about, of course you should’ve.”

“You don’t get it Jay… I thought you were happy with your life, you had no plans of moving here, so I figured telling you Jensen was in town might ruin things for you,” She lets out another sigh as she speaks, running a hand through her long blonde locks. “I knew you’d probably come running once you heard Jensen was here but… I just didn’t know if telling you was the right thing to do. I mean, I know how much Jen meant to you but it’s been ten years Jay… and I thought moving on was what you really needed.”

“I appreciate the fact that you were just trying to look out for me Katie, but… you still should have told me,” Jared responds, doing his best to smile to show that he isn’t upset. “But you’re right; just because I’ve seen Jensen again doesn’t mean anything has changed. I’d jump at the chance to be with him again but we’re two different people now and I don’t even know if he cares about me that way anymore.”

Silence descends upon them as they sit there together, Katie watching with concerned eyes while Jared is lost in his thoughts.

“Problem is… even though I know I don’t technically know him anymore, my feelings haven’t changed. One look at him proved as much to me, and I just don’t know what to do about it. I’d like to give us another shot, see if we can make it work out this time, but he didn’t give me any kind of sign that he wants that too,” Jared sighs heavily and looks at his friend with his puppy dog eyes, pleading for some advice. “I wish Sandy was here, she’d know if I was being stupid about the whole thing or not.”

“Yeah, no one could keep you in line as well as she could,” Katie says reminiscently, a fond but melancholy smile on her face.

“I miss her,” Jared says softly, tears brimming in his eyes as he thinks about the best friend he ever had. “I miss her so bad sometimes I physically hurt.”

Katie doesn’t respond, just looks at Jared sadly, not knowing what to say. Sandy’s death hit everyone hard but it hit Jared the hardest; he nearly had a breakdown when the news reached him. He had known Sandy the longest, she was like another sister to him, and losing her was like losing a huge piece of himself.

Jared had been at home in San Antonio when he got the call from Katie, Chris too messed up to make it himself. Her death nearly destroyed Chris; the man had locked himself in their bedroom for days and refused to leave the house. He became a ghost of the man he used to be, didn’t want his friends around and wouldn’t pick up a guitar. For a while there everyone wondered if they would lose him too because he wasn’t taking care of himself and his health had started to go down hill.

Sandy and Chris had been planning to get married, even had the date picked out. Jared can still remember the beaming smile Sandy wore when she showed him her engagement ring and Jared had honestly never seen her happier.

Sandy has been gone for six years now, hit by a drunk driver as she was crossing the street. There isn’t a day that goes by where Jared doesn’t think about her, feels her loss like a severed limb. Most days he still can’t believe she is gone and he often wonders how things would be now if she hadn’t crossed the street at that time, how different life would be if she had just waited a couple more seconds.

He hasn’t spoken to Chris in years, the guy sort of withdrew from all of them after Sandy passed. Jared has often wondered how the guy is doing but he hasn’t tried to get in contact with him. I’ll have to ask Jensen about him, he tells himself. It would be nice to know how his old friend is doing, and he hopes he has managed to move on with his life.

“So, how did everything go with Jensen anyway?” Katie asks, drawing Jared out of his thoughts and he is grateful for the subject change. “It wasn’t too awkward was it?”

Jared thinks back to how he reacted when he first saw Jensen and has to grimace. “I acted like a complete fool, totally taken off guard when the door opened and he was standing there,” Jared glares at her, more playful than serious. “But after that I was able to relax and it… it just felt good to be talking to him again.”

“Oh no…” she says with a drawn out sigh, giving him a sympathetic look that Jared decides immediately that he hates.

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks, a touch more defensive than he meant for it to be.

“I’ve heard that tone in your voice before Jay, as well as seen that look in your eyes, and they never mean anything good,” she says as kindly as she can, looking genuinely concerned about him. “Even after all this time you still want to be with him, don’t you?”

“Uh, Katie, have you even been listening? I already said I never stopped loving him. We only dated for a little over five months but I fell hard for him… he was my first love…” Jared quietly trails off, not sure how to explain this to Katie so she understands what is going on in his head. “We’ve made plans to hang out tomorrow and catch up. It’ll be nice to sit down and really talk to him… it just feels really good to have him back in my life.”

“It’s good that you’re gonna catch up and all but… I guess all I’m trying to say is that I don’t wanna see you get hurt. Being Jensen’s friend might be good for you, but I don’t want to see you let down and disappointed if it doesn’t go anywhere further than that. Ten years have passed, and that’s a long time, a lot can change,” Katie says to him softly, her blue eyes staring intently into his hazel. “I know you think you’re still in love with him and I can tell you really want to give it another go, but sometimes… sometimes you just can’t go back.”

Previous ll Index ll Next

Maude Adams Lane: Part Seven

2009-08-11T00:08:23Z

-~*~-
Part Seven
-~*~-

August 31st, 1998

Jared watches from the barn entrance as the sun sets on another day and he can’t stop a soft sigh from leaving his slightly parted lips. He leans against the doorjamb with his arms crossed tightly over his chest, like he is trying to ward off the cold or shield himself from torrents of pain. His eyes are troubled and solemn as he stares at the sky, depression rolling off of him in waves.

He knows he shouldn’t be feeling this down, like he has lost his boyfriend already, but he can’t help it. Jensen will be leaving tomorrow afternoon, so Jared only has a few short hours left to spend with his boyfriend and then he will be gone. He doesn’t know if he can stand to see Jensen leave, to watch him drive away. He will have no choice come tomorrow though, and he is dreading it more than anything.

Right now he wishes he could freeze time, stop tomorrow from ever arriving. This summer has passed by too quickly for his liking; the time he got to spend with Jensen wasn’t long enough and he just doesn’t want to have to say goodbye, even if it isn’t for good. Deep down he knows he is being kind of stupid about the whole thing, acting like they are breaking up rather than the reality of the situation, but he can’t change the way he feels.

He doesn’t want Jensen to leave, doesn’t want to deal with the inevitable distance. He wants to spend every moment he possibly can with his boyfriend, like he has this entire summer. He is admittedly afraid of what may happen when they leave the ranch, leave this summer behind. This ranch has been like a safe haven for them, like they are in a different world where nothing bad can touch them, but now they will both be leaving and that just doesn’t sit right with Jared.

A sense of foreboding looms over him and he just can’t shake it. It makes him want to latch onto Jensen and refuse to ever let go, make him stay here on this ranch with him where he feels like they belong. This is not practical though, he knows this, and he will have no choice but to let Jensen go tomorrow. He keeps reminding himself that this is just temporary, that their relationship isn’t coming to an end and that they’ll stay in touch until they can see each other again. He hopes this reminder will be enough to get him through tomorrow.

I’m being ridiculous, he chastises himself as he turns away and is startled to find Jensen standing behind him, watching him with calculating green eyes. Jared turns his head away, knowing his boyfriend can read him like a book, and hopes his boyfriend didn’t catch any of the emotions crashing through his system reflected in his eyes. This is their last night together; he doesn’t want to ruin it by being emo and bringing his boyfriend down with him. He wants them to enjoy this night, let the memory hold them over until they can see each other again.

“Hey now, don’t do this, you know we’ll see each other again,” Jensen says softly as he moves forward and wraps his arms around Jared’s waist. “This isn’t goodbye Jay, I’m only going to be in California, and you can write me everyday if you want to… actually I kind of hope you do. This is bound to be tough, on both of us, but keeping in touch will make it a little easier.”

“I know, I know… it’s just hard… I don’t want you to go,” Jared whispers quietly as he rests his head against Jensen’s shoulder, letting out a soft sigh as he clings to his boyfriend. “I wish I didn’t have another year of school to finish ‘cause then I could go with you and we’d be together.”

“Just wait and see, the time will pass really quickly and before you know it we’ll be seeing each other again. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as we’re expecting it to be.”

“I sure hope you’re right. Right now it feels like it’ll be unbearable, but for my sanity I hope you’re right,” Jared laughs softly as he says this, looking up to see a soft smile playing on Jensen’s lips. “I love you Jen, so fuckin’ much that it scares me sometimes ‘cause I’ve never cared about someone so deeply. Now that you’re in my life I don’t know how to be without you.”

Jensen’s eyes soften as he moves a hand to cup Jared’s cheek, looking deep into Jared’s eyes as he says, “I love you too Jay. When we first started dating I never expected to care as much as I do, but I love the way I feel when I’m around you… and being with you… I’ve never been happier.”

“We can really make this work, right Jen?” Jared asks, feeling vulnerable and scared, afraid of losing the only guy he has ever loved, afraid of what awaits them once they leave the ranch behind.

“Yeah, I honestly believe we can make this work.”

Jared isn’t completely reassured, still has his fears, but he manages to nod his head and smile, albeit small, at Jensen. We can make this work, I’m not going to lose him, everything will be fine, he says this like a mantra over and over in his head, letting the words seep through him as he closes his eyes and leans his head against Jensen’s shoulder once more, both of them standing in the doorway of the bar, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

:0Ж0:

Darkness has long since fallen over the ranch by the time Jensen and Jared head up to the loft, not quite ready to go to bed, wanting to spend every minute they can together, knowing very well that Jensen will be leaving as soon as noon arrives. They lay a blanket down on the wooden flooring and take a seat, Jared sitting between Jensen’s spread legs, leaning back against his boyfriend’s chest. He can feel the rhythmic beat of Jensen’s heart through his back and he lets it lull him into a calm and relaxed state for the first time today.

Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s midsection, idly tracing patterns into the shirt covering his belly, and it tickles slightly but not enough for Jared to make him stop. He feels content and happy, leaning back against Jensen and closing his eyes, focusing on the feel of Jensen’s fingers on his stomach. All is quiet in the barn aside from the random sounds coming from the horses below.

Jared doesn’t have a watch on him, has no way of knowing what time it is, but his guess is it is late. He is sure his grandpa is already asleep in his bed, unconcerned about Jared and Jensen, knowing they will come in when they feel like it. He has been looking at Jared sympathetically all day, like he knows about the thoughts floating around in Jared’s head, and he has pretty much left them alone to spend their remaining time together.

Jared is grateful for this; he wants to take up as much of Jensen’s time as he can today, but it also makes him feel a little guilty because he feels he should be spending a little more time with his grandpa as well. He will likely see his grandfather again before he gets to see Jensen though, and he knows his grandpa understands, so he tries not to feel too guilty about it.

“I’ve been thinking…” Jared breaks the easy silence between them but then stops just as quickly as he started.

Jensen shifts behind him but not enough to jostle him and Jared can feel the weight of his stare on his head, can see out of the corner of his eye that Jensen is bending his neck down at an angle to look at his face. “About what?” he asks quietly.

“As soon as I get home, I… want to tell my parents that I’m gay,” Jared responds just as quietly, afraid to tell his parents but knowing this is something he needs to do. They will either support him or they won’t, he just knows he can’t live a lie anymore. “And I want to tell them about you.”

“If that’s what you really want to do then I think you should, and I support you all the way,” Jensen tells him sincerely, bending his head down to peck Jared on the cheek. “I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better once you tell them, you won’t have to hide that part of yourself anymore.”

“Are… are you going to tell your family?” Jared asks a bit hesitantly, worrying his bottom lip the whole time. This isn’t something they have really discussed before. Sure, Jared has said that he wants to tell his parents, but Jensen has never said anything about telling his own.

“They already know about you,” Jensen says simply, nonchalantly, like this isn’t the major deal Jared believes it to be.

Jared’s eyes widen in shock the moment these words register in his head and he sits up so fast he nearly makes himself dizzy. He turns his body so he is facing his boyfriend and Jensen laughs at the look on his face, leaning in to kiss him chastely on the lips. Jared’s eyes are still comically wide when Jensen pulls back and he is sure the look on his face must be pretty amusing because Jensen laughs again.

“There’s nothing I don’t tell my parents Jay,” Jensen says like it explains everything, though for the life of him Jared can’t figure out why Jensen hadn’t said anything until now. “I told them on your birthday. Remember when I went outside to phone home? I told them then. I knew I was getting serious about you and I wanted them to know. They want me to take you home so they can meet you.”

“I… I just… I can’t believe…” Jared sputters in shock, unable to string a coherent sentence together.

He is pleased to hear Jensen’s parents want to meet him but he is a little put off by the fact that Jensen has failed to tell him something, again. Now, he is trying not to make a big deal out of it, trying to tell himself he shouldn’t feel like he can’t trust Jensen anymore because of something stupid like this, but he can’t help wondering… Jensen has withheld information from him once before, and now this… what else has he failed to mention?

How am I supposed to trust him when he keeps things from me? he thinks to himself, even though this train of thought was what he was trying so hard to prevent. There is nothing he can do about it now though, the thoughts are there and are nagging at him. Is he keeping anything else from me? Will he keep things from me in the future? He isn’t lying to me but he is omitting things… how can I trust him when he does things like that? Sure, it may be small now… but what about later?

Jared hates thinking this way, he really does, but he can’t help it. He may be blowing this way out of proportion, but he honestly doesn’t think he is, because relationships are based on trust and if he starts feeling like he can’t trust his boyfriend… then how could this ever possibly work out?

Whatever expression Jared has on his face makes Jensen frown in concern. “Jay, what’s wrong?” he asks worriedly. “I thought you’d be happy to hear my parents want to meet you. If you’re not ready that’s fine, we don’t have to do it right away. We can plan for a time when you’re comfortable with the idea.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to meet your parents Jen,” Jared snaps, sounding angrier than he wanted to. “Why didn’t you tell me that you told them? Huh? Can you explain that to me? ‘Cause you know, it’s really making me wonder. This is the second time you’ve failed to tell me something, and I let it go last time ‘cause it wasn’t too important, but I can’t this time ‘cause this definitely is! You knew I was wanting to tell my parents about us, and I was a little worried to mention it to you ‘cause I wasn’t sure how you’d react… you didn’t think I’d want to know your parents know about me and want to meet me? Don’t you think that if you’d told me your parents knew it might’ve made me feel a little more comfortable about telling my own?”

Jensen’s eyes widen further and further as Jared rants, opening his mouth several times but unable to say anything with Jared practically yelling at him. A guilty expression quickly grows on his face but at the moment Jared can’t bring himself to care. He is angry, upset and disappointed and every other emotion he can think of. But most of all he is hurt, hurt that Jensen didn’t say anything until now, hurt because he is beginning to feel like he can’t trust his boyfriend.

He doesn’t want to feel this way but Jensen is leaving him with no choice, is giving him every reason to doubt and wonder if he can trust him at all. He can’t help but ask if this will be a regular occurrence for them, if Jensen is going to withhold more things from him. A guilty expression forms on Jensen’s face at the questions but hurt quickly joins in when he reaches out to Jared only to have Jared flinch away from him, not wanting to be touched right now.

“I meant to tell you Jay, you gotta believe me, I was going to tell you. But I guess… I just forgot, and I know that’s not an excuse but that’s the only explanation I can give you. I never intentionally kept anything from you Jay, but I promise I’ll never do it again. I’m sorry.” Jensen’s voice has gone desperate and a little fearful but Jared can’t bring himself to give in just yet, he still feels pretty hurt.

“How… how can I believe you when you’ve already done it once before?” Jared asks softly, hurt and sad. “How do I know I can I trust you?”

Jensen looks as though he has been punched in the gut as he opens and closes his mouth several times before ducking his head and releasing a soft sigh. Silence stretches out between them, tense and oppressing, and Jared is starting to feel the heavy weight of it. It gives him the time to think though, and in the end he just wants to scream at himself.

He is still upset that Jensen kept something like this from him, but deep down Jared knows he never meant to. Now that he has taken the time to think it through he can fully appreciate that Jensen’s parents want to meet him, can feel the joy he was meant to feel. He also wants to yell and scream at himself because the very last thing he wants to be doing right now is fighting with Jensen. Their time together is steadily drawing to a close and he chooses to spend that time by picking a fight? Hell no, he refuses!

“Damn it Jen… I just… I don’t want to fight with you!” Jared breathes out, looking at his boyfriend with a solemn expression on his face. He feels really shitty about starting a fight on their last night together, he can feel it pressing down on him, making tears form in his eyes. “You’re leaving tomorrow and the last thing I want to do is fight. I’m sorry… I… I’m just really sorry, I don’t want to fight. Please let’s just not fight anymore.”

“Hey, no you were right,” Jensen says as he quickly draws him into an embrace and Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s torso, grasping his shoulders from behind as he leans his head against Jensen’s chest. “I should have told you a long time ago and I’m so sorry that I didn’t. You have every right to question whether you can trust me or not, but I just… I want you to know that you can. You may not believe it now, but you can, and I’ll prove it to you. From now on I won’t keep anything from you, unintentionally or not.”

Jared draws a little comfort from these words, closing his eyes as he moves to wrap his arms around Jensen’s neck. Jensen draws him away a minute later only to claim Jared’s lips in a soft kiss, keeping it light, not attempting to heat it up. Jared is content with this for a few seconds before pushing his lips more firmly to Jensen’s, licking his way into his boyfriend’s mouth.

They remain like this for an unknown amount of time, kissing lazily, tongues languidly sliding together in a well known dance. Neither of them attempts to take it further, content with the pressing of lips and tangling of tongues. Jared tries to memorize the feel of Jensen’s soft lips and the warmth of his mouth, needing to remember everything about kissing his boyfriend for when he can no longer do it.

“I don’t want tomorrow to come,” Jared whispers quietly when he pulls back and lies down with Jensen, staring up at the roof of the barn.

Jensen doesn’t respond, just tightens his arms around Jared, reminding him that they still have this time together, and a few minutes later both are fast asleep.

:0Ж0:

April 14th, 2008

Leaning against the doorframe of the barn, a bittersweet smile makes its way onto Jared’s face. The day Jensen left for college had been a sad one for both of them. Tearful goodbyes had been said and all Jared could do was stand there in the driveway and watch as Jensen drove away. They had promised to keep in touch, reassured each other that they would make their relationship work out, but that day a part of Jared knew that it was the beginning of the end.

Their relationship lived for another three months before they finally called it quits. They had sent a few emails back and forth, talked through instant messaging a couple of times a week, and even spoke over the phone twice. Talking on the phone was too difficult though, because of the long distance charges. They had kept in touch as often as they could but both of them knew it wasn’t nearly enough.

The distance between them was taking its toll. Most often they didn’t know what to say to each other. The emails became less and less, they didn’t talk through instant messaging nearly as much as they once did, and they just didn’t seem to be able to find the time for each other anymore. They were busy with their own lives. Jared knew they were drifting apart but he just didn’t want to acknowledge it. In the end Jensen took matters into his own hands.

Jared will never forget that phone call he received, will always remember the exact date and time. December 5th, 1998 at seven pm. Jensen had sounded subdued over the phone and Jared had just felt plain awkward. He didn’t know how to talk to his boyfriend anymore, it was as though somewhere along the way he had forgotten how.

They had made idle conversation for about five to ten minutes, a stilted conversation that neither of them knew how to deal with, and then Jensen dropped the inevitable bomb they both subconsciously knew was coming. He didn’t beat around the bush, said straight up that they were drifting apart and had been for some time now. Jared knew before Jensen said the words that his boyfriend was breaking up with him.

Even though Jared knew it had been coming to this, had suspected the end was near, he still cried on the phone. He cried for what he was losing and for what they never had the chance to have. It felt like he was losing everything. Jensen had clearly been upset too, Jared could hear the barely restrained emotion in his voice, but he had held it together fairly well during their conversation.

Ever since that day Jared has wondered if they had just fought harder, maybe they could have saved their relationship. He knows it is pointless to wonder about stuff like that now, it won’t change a damn thing, but he just can’t help it. He still loves Jensen, always did and probably will forever, and he is sorry for the way it ended. He just feels that they gave up way too easily, didn’t try as hard as they should have. We could have made it work if we had truly wanted it to, he thinks solemnly to himself.

He knows he needs to let go of the past, he can’t move forward until he does, but it is just so hard for him to say goodbye. He hasn’t been stupid enough to believe that Jensen would just waltz back into his life somehow and they would pick up where they left things. But Jensen was his first love and Jared has never truly been able to move on with his life.

Jared knows he should let Jensen’s memory go, should try to find someone to love and share his life with, but the only one he has ever wanted is Jensen. He doesn’t want to move on, not really. He wants to feel the way he did when he was seventeen and the world made sense. Every day had been exciting and he woke up eager to face the day because he knew he would see Jensen’s face. He hasn’t felt that way in a long time.

Nothing in his life worked out the way he wanted it to. Growing up he wanted to be a writer, a novelist. Instead he ended up waiting tables at Applebee’s, and before that there were a string of various restaurants. He had hoped to be in a committed relationship with Jensen, living together in a house, their house, here in Texas with maybe a dog or two. Instead he has meaningless sex with a friend he could never love in that way and is paying rent on an apartment he secretly hates.

He hasn’t confessed this to anyone, but the truth of the matter is that he hates his life. None of the plans he had panned out, and he has been left settling with a life he never wanted in the first place.

Despite all this he hopes that Jensen, wherever he is, is happy and everything has worked out the way he hoped they would. Jared has never held any resentment towards him, there is no way he ever could, and he only wants the best for him. Just because Jared is miserable doesn’t mean he wants Jensen to be. More than anything he hopes that the man has found happiness in his life and, unlike Jared, has moved on.

Jared’s attention is drawn to the here and now when his phone begins ringing loudly from where it sits in its holder, fastened to the side of his jeans. One look at the screen tells him it is Chad and he lets out a silent curse, having forgotten all about the real reason he was even here in the first place. Hopefully they have made up and I can go home, he thinks to himself as he flips his phone open and brings it to his ear.

“So, is everything okay between you now or what?” Jared asks, skipping pleasantries and getting straight to the point.

“Things are still a little rocky but she’s agreed to try to work things out,” Chad sighs into the phone and Jared can imagine he is running a hand through his hair right now. “She said this is the last chance I’m ever going to get though, so I better not fuck up again or she’ll be gone for good.”

Jared snorts at this, not believing it for a second. Chad and Sophia have fought more than any other couple Jared has ever known, and Sophia is always saying ‘this is the last time’. He highly doubts she means what she says. He is actually kind of surprised she puts up with all the shit Chad puts her through. She never leaves though, despite all her threats. He thinks she doesn’t really want to leave, and with all her empty threats, Jared has come to believe she never will.

“You didn’t see the look on her face when she said it man, she meant it this time, I fuck up one more time and she’s gone. I think I’ve pushed her too far this time,” Chad says quietly into the phone.

“And what exactly is it that you did?” Jared asks, sounding a little condescending even though he truly doesn’t mean to.

“I thought some dipshit was hitting on her, I got a little jealous and kind of… well I hit him.”

Jared’s eyebrows shoot up, disbelief written all over his face. He had thought it was something a little more serious than that, he can’t imagine why Sophia freaked out so bad because of Chad hitting a guy. Sure, he’s pretty certain Chad shouldn’t have hit the guy, but did that really warrant Sophia taking off and threatening to break up with him?

“That’s all?” he finally asks in surprise.

“Apparently it was some guy she’s known since she was a kid, some guy she grew up with who she considers to be a brother ‘cause they’ve known each other since they were three or some shit like that,” Chad says with honest to God shame in his voice and Jared is caught a little off guard by it. “I ended up breaking the guy’s nose and giving him one helluva black eye. Sophia was really pissed about it, saying she couldn’t take my jealousy anymore and then she took off. I guess he really means a lot to her and me hitting him was the last straw.”

Jared whistles through his teeth. “Alright if you think she’s serious this time then I guess you better get your act together and start treating her right or you’re gonna lose her.”

“Wow, thanks for telling me what I already know Jarhead,” Chad responds sarcastically, huffing a little. “Whatever, I’m gonna ride back with Sophia so you can go home now if you want.”

“Gee, thanks Chad, it’s only been two hours. Anyways I‘ll see you back home, I’ll try to enjoy what’s left of my day off,” Jared responds back just as sarcastically, smiling all the while, before snapping his phone shut and sticking it back in its holder.

For a moment he just stands there, between the barn and his truck, looking at the ranch, feeling nostalgic and solemn. Part of him keeps expecting his grandpa to walk out the front door with a glass of lemonade or a sandwich for Jared, that ever joyful smile on his face. That isn’t going to happen though, never again will his grandpa walk through that door, and it makes Jared a little sad as he stands on the property and remembers all the good times he had here.

“I miss you,” he whispers quietly, the wind carrying his words away, before heading to his truck to drive home and start on his plans for the ranch.

Previous ll Index ll Next

Maude Adams Lane: Part Six

2009-08-11T00:07:24Z

-~*~-
Part Six
-~*~-

July 22nd, 1998

Jared follows Jensen to the front door of Jason’s house, silently wondering and dreading what might be awaiting him on the other side of that door. He loves his friends, enjoys spending time with them, but he really didn’t want to do anything special for his birthday. His parents already made a big deal of it and now, three days after his birthday, he is being forced to endure it all over again.

Jensen tried to reassure him, telling him it wouldn’t be as bad as he is expecting and he might actually have fun, but Jared has his doubts. He keeps them to himself though, not wanting to offend or upset any of his friends. Besides, it will be nice to spend some time with them, he just hopes they don’t have anything big planned.

Whatever they do have planned will ultimately have to be better than what his family did. He loves his family with all his heart but they went all out for his birthday, and he was mostly exhausted by the time night fell. Then again, he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. He blushes a little when he thinks about it, remembering how it felt to have Jensen inside him.

They haven’t done anything like that since then, just some harmless kissing and a couple of make out sessions, but Jared’s already thinking about when they next can. Being that close to Jensen, connected in a way he has never been with another person, was amazing and incredible and Jared wants to feel that way again. I don’t think Jen would have any objections, he thinks to himself as Jensen looks at him with a warm smile on his face.

Jared mentally prepares himself for whatever he is about to walk into as Jensen opens the door and they enter the house. The place isn’t as crowded as he originally expected it to be, which is surprising but pleasantly so, and it seems that Sandy was telling him the truth when she said only his closest friends would be here.

From where he stands in the entrance he can see Sandy sitting on the couch in the living room with Chris and Steve, a beer in each of their hands. Katie is sitting at the dining room table with Danneel, a friend of hers from work. Jared doesn’t know the redhead that well but she comes and sits with them at the coffee shop sometimes. She seems like a nice girl, even if she keeps to herself, so he doesn’t mind her being here.

Some country song is playing from the stereo in the living room, loud enough to be heard all throughout the house, and now that Jared has a good look around he takes note of the fact that everyone seems to have a beer in their hands. One look at Chris tells him that the man started the party earlier than everyone else. It doesn’t take him long to put two and two together.

He turns swiftly to Jensen, eyeing him suspiciously. “I know what’s going on here,” he says with slightly narrowed eyes, trying his damnedest to be heard over the blaring music. “They’re just using my birthday as an excuse to party, to sit around listening to loud music and drink beer.”

Jensen chuckles softly under his breath and gives him an unapologetic smile. “I said you had no reason to worry about them making a big deal out of this, and you know our friends, they have good hearts but can be pretty selfish at times.”

Jared can’t help but laugh about how the evening is turning out. It would seem that he was worrying for nothing and now he can’t help feeling a little foolish. He will admit that he has calmed down considerably since they arrived and is now looking forward to the evening. Sitting back with good friends and simply relaxing is one of his favorite things to do.

“Hey Jared, glad to see you finally made it,” Jason greets jovially as he exits the kitchen, nodding at Jensen in acknowledgment. “There’s beers in the kitchen, help yourselves.”

Jared doesn’t even have the chance to respond before Jason is passing them by on his way into the living room. Jensen just shrugs when Jared raises an eyebrow in question and says he is going to grab them a couple of beers. Jared follows along behind a second later, leaning his hip against the kitchen counter, his eyes glued to Jensen’s ass as his boyfriend bends to grab a couple of beers in the fridge.

Jensen rolls his eyes when he sees him staring, blushing adorably when Jared wags his eyebrows playfully. He sits the bottles of beer down on the counter and slides his body up against Jared’s, their clothes the only thing separating them. Jared grins down at his boyfriend, wrapping his arms loosely around Jensen’s slender waist and gently tugging him closer.

A warm hand slides around the base of Jared’s neck, tugging him down gently so a pair of plump lips can take possession of his own. Jared is more than willing to go along with this, licking Jensen’s mouth open and slipping his tongue inside. An answering moan is what awaits him the moment their tongues make contact, sliding together like they were meant for this, and Jared moves one of his hands to Jensen’s silky hair, gripping it lightly.

He knows they should get back to their friends; this gathering is for him, even though technically it is just an excuse to sit around and drink beer. He can’t break himself away from the warmth of Jensen’s body though, that moist mouth capturing him under its spell. Besides, he figures they probably won’t be missed too much, their friends are too busy working themselves into a drunken stupor.

Jensen lets out a surprised ‘oomph’ when Jared swiftly shifts their positions, grinning mischievously as he lifts his boyfriend up onto the counter, situating himself between Jensen’s already spread legs. Jensen simply looks back at him with a raised eyebrow, a smile quirking the corner of his lips, and Jared sends back a smoldering look as he gently kneads Jensen’s thighs.

“Well, you got me where you want me, now what’re you gonna do?” Jensen asks teasingly, intense green eyes boring into playful hazel.

“I have a few ideas,” he responds cryptically before leaning in to capture his boyfriend’s mouth in a bruising kiss, nipping at plump lips then licking away the sting.

Jensen buries his hands in Jared’s hair, likely messing it up beyond fixing, but Jared can’t bring himself to mind when his boyfriend’s tongue is doing that thing that sends pleasant shivers down the length of his spine. He grasps Jensen’s hair none too gently, tilting his boyfriend’s head for better access to that warm, wet mouth, practically devouring it. Jensen makes no complaints, moaning his approval as he allows Jared to dominate the kiss, giving his mouth over for possession.

Jared can’t help himself when he grips tightly onto Jensen’s thighs, likely leaving finger shaped bruises even through the denim. His lips eventually slide away from Jensen’s swollen ones and he attaches his mouth to the skin of his boyfriend’s neck a second later. A soft groan escapes Jensen as he tilts his head to give Jared better access, hands gripping onto Jared’s biceps.

Jared relishes each gasp he pulls from his boyfriend, flattered that he has the power to provoke such a reaction from his lips alone. Jensen seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself too, scooting his body as close to Jared’s as he can get as his right hand slides beneath Jared’s shirt and immediately finds a nipple. Jared arches into the touch, moaning his approval as he sucks a bruise into Jensen’s neck for everyone to see later.

“Knock that shit off. You two shitheads can fuck when you get back to the ranch,” Chris says crudely when he enters the kitchen and flicks a rubber band at Jared’s head, hitting his target and making Jared yelp in pain. He fixes his glare on Chris as he rubs his minor injury, but his friend just gives him a bored expression in return. “Now get your asses out to the living room and spend some quality time with your friends. It ain’t gonna kill ya.”

Jensen laughs softly, earning himself a glare from his boyfriend. “Come on Sasquatch, we might as well be sociable,” he says as he pushes Jared gently and jumps down from the counter, handing Jared one of the abandoned beers.

Jared certainly does not sulk as he follows Jensen out to the living room, absolutely not, he doesn’t care what Jensen says. He blushes the moment Sandy sets her eyes on him and they light up at his disheveled state; he feels like dying when she begins catcalling and the rest of their friends join in with wolf whistles. He decides right then and there, he hates them all…

:0Ж0:

August 15th, 1998

The small market is fairly busy by the time they arrive but is thankfully nowhere near as crowded as one of the major food chains here in town. Jensen follows him into the store, grabbing a cart as they pass them, and Jared looks to the list of items his grandpa asked him to pick up. Grandpa Ray usually does the grocery shopping himself but Jared offered to do it instead after he saw how tired his grandpa seemed.

The man has been coming down with a slight cold over the last couple of days and Jared wants to help out in any way he can. His grandpa had smiled gratefully once he realized Jared wasn’t going to budge on his decision and in turn told Jared to get anything he wanted while he was at the market. He told Jensen the same, knowing very well that one doesn’t often go anywhere without the other.

They stop first at the meat counter, ordering three pounds of ground beef and strips for the barbeque his grandpa plans to have tonight, and then they head to produce. Jensen is a silent companion at his side as he pushes the cart around the market, slowly but surely getting everything on the list.

Jensen places a dozen eggs in the cart as Jared grabs the milk. “Jen… who was your first boyfriend?”

Jensen freezes just as he’s placing cheese in the cart and looks up at Jared in surprise. “Why would you want to know about him?” He sounds both perturbed and curious, looking at Jared with calculating eyes.

Jared can’t really explain it, jealousy isn’t backing up his question, more like genuine curiosity. It might be strange to want to know about your boyfriend’s ex but Jared wants to know everything about Jensen, and that includes his first and only boyfriend.

“I dunno, I’m just curious,” Jared says with a shrug of his shoulders. “You don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to.”

Jensen is silent for a moment as they walk to the next aisle, placing various items in their cart as they locate them. Jared is beginning to think he shouldn’t have said anything, that maybe this is a sore subject for Jensen, but Jensen lets out a sigh a moment later and says, “Misha,” so softly Jared almost doesn’t hear him. The moment that name registers in his brain he stops dead in his tracks and looks back at Jensen in surprise, watching Jensen look away from him, shuffling his feet.

“Misha, as in Misha Collins your friend, the friend I haven’t met yet?” he asks, and he doesn’t mean for his voice to sound so hysterical, because he honestly isn’t jealous, just extremely surprised.

Jensen has mentioned Misha on a few occasions, only referring to him as a close friend he has known for years who is currently out of town on vacation with his family. Jensen has only had good things to say about the guy, so it is obvious that they parted on good terms, but Jared is just surprised that his boyfriend forgot to mention that they have a history. Despite not wanting to, he can’t help but wonder why Jensen failed to mention that. He tries not to feel hurt or think too much into why Jensen omitted this important detail, tries not to wonder if there is a reason for it, but it is damn hard not to.

“Misha and I… well it’s complicated,” Jensen says with a sigh as he runs a hand through his hair and begins walking once more. “We only dated for close to a year, found out quickly that we weren’t right for each other. We have always been better off as friends and I’m just glad we were able to keep our friendship after everything. It was never really that serious between us, I think we were mostly experimenting and exploring, finding out who we were and what way we really swung. It was never meant to last, we both knew that, but I was the one to end it eventually.”

Jared places a box of Honeycomb into the cart as he absorbs this information. “Okay, I can understand that, but why didn’t you say anything to me until now. You had every opportunity to, each time we talked about him you could have just slipped this little fact in, but you didn’t. Why is that?” Jared asks, trying not to sound desperate but he really wants to know why Jensen never said anything until Jared asked him. Jensen knows everything about Jared, about his failed relationship and almost relationships. Considering that Misha is Jensen’s friend, he should have said something to Jared before now.

“It’s not that I meant to keep it from you, I guess I just hadn’t thought to mention it. It’s in the past, I rarely think about it, and when I look at Misha I only see one of my best friends. I’m not sure I ever looked at him in any other way, even when we were dating,” Jensen explains the best that he can, seemingly having some difficulty. “We never talk about it anymore, it’s almost like it didn’t even happen, so I just never thought to mention it to you. Don’t think I didn’t want you to know though, I wouldn’t deliberately keep things from you.”

Deep down Jared knows this; as far as he is aware Jensen has been pretty open and honest with him, and he trusts his boyfriend. One look at Jensen’s face tells him his boyfriend is telling him the truth and this helps to calm Jared slowly, feeling a little foolish for jumping to conclusions and causing such a fuss over this.

Jensen smiles and waves it off when Jared attempts to apologize, letting him know that it is okay and he understands why Jared was so upset. Jared is just glad to put the conversation behind them, focusing on getting the rest of the items off the list and adding a few things of their own here and there. The air between them is easy as they make their way around the market, engaging in idle conversation and playful banter, no sign there was ever any tension between them.

:0Ж0:

Jared sits next to Jensen on the couch in the living room, leaving a respectable space between them so his grandpa won’t get suspicious, and they sit in silence as they watch a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Jensen comments quietly on the episode every so often and Jared will laugh at times, but for the most part both are quiet. Jared is content to just sit here and watch TV with Jensen, the atmosphere between them is comfortable, and it has Jared’s mind racing.

He can almost forget that his grandpa is right outside grilling hamburgers on the barbeque; for the moment he and Jensen are alone, spending a quiet evening at home watching TV together. It feels so comfortable and natural that Jared realizes he aches for this, wants this for real. He wants he and Jensen to have their own home, someday, wants to move in with his boyfriend and share his life with him.

Jared never thought he could feel so strongly about something before, but this is something he really wants. He wants to move in with Jensen sometime in the foreseeable future, wants to come home each night from work with Jensen there to greet him, or the other way around. He wants to share his life with the green eyed boy beside him, introduce Jensen to his parents as his boyfriend; he wants it all.

It is the simple things he finds that he wants so bad, like grocery shopping together and planning vacations, organizing who’s family to visit on which holidays. He wants to fall asleep at night with Jensen at his side and wake up each morning beside him. He wants it all so badly he can practically taste it, can feel it vibrating under his skin.

He knows it is too soon to be thinking about such things - he still has a year of high school to finish and Jensen is heading off to college in the fall - but he can’t deny that he wants this more than he has ever wanted anything. He believes this is something they could truly have though, once he has finished school. He could move out to California and they could rent a house close to campus if Jensen wanted to.

Jared never thought he would actually be considering moving in the very first person he fell in love with. He always knew he wanted a serious boyfriend, wanted that experience, but he never thought he would be so serious as to be considering moving in with anyone straight after high school. He figured he would be planning for college and excited at the prospect of living on his own for the very first time. But instead, here he is, already planning his future with Jensen. He has to admit that he isn’t displeased with this turn of events, he actually couldn’t be happier with the way everything has turned out.

He isn’t about to mention this to Jensen just yet, he knows it is too soon and he doesn’t want to scare him away. I could talk to him a month or so before school ends, he tells himself in silence, already coming up with plans in his head for how they could do this. Maybe by then he might be more open to the suggestion, and we could plan everything together.

Now more than ever he realizes he wants to tell his parents that he is gay, wants to tell them that he has found himself a good guy that he loves, and he wants Jensen to meet his family one day. He wants his family to meet the guy that he has fallen hard for, wants their blessing and support, and he would like to meet Jensen’s family as well. He doesn’t know if Jensen would be as keen about the idea as Jared is, but this is something he is going to have to talk to his boyfriend about.

Jared is pulled from his thoughts when the front door shuts and his grandpa heads into the dining room with a plate full of hamburgers. The smell has Jared’s mouth watering and his stomach growling loudly, earning himself a snicker from Jensen. Jared is busy laughing softly with Jensen when his grandpa suddenly enters the room.

“Jared, could I get your help in the kitchen?” he asks with a soft smile but there is a tone in his voice that tells Jared his grandpa wants to speak with him.

“I could help too if you want,” Jensen says as he moves to stand.

Grandpa Ray stops him with polite refusal however, telling Jensen to finish watching his television program. Jensen gets the hint right away as he slumps back in his seat and tosses a wary, concerned glance at Jared. Jared smiles reassuringly, though he can admit he is a little nervous as well, and slowly follows his grandpa into the kitchen.

Jared moves to pick up a bowl of salad on the counter when his grandpa asks him to and grabs a bottle of ranch dressing as well. He places them on the kitchen table and turns to find his grandpa leaning against the counter, mouth pursed and looking at Jared with unreadable eyes. The scrutiny makes Jared feel uncomfortable and that nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach increases tenfold.

This can’t be good, he thinks to himself while his heart lodges itself in his throat. He can’t be sure what is going on in his grandpa’s mind, but he is pretty certain it can’t be anything good. He has never seen that look on his face before, at least not directed at him, and Jared can’t help feeling he has let him down somehow. He has never disappointed his grandpa before and even the mere thought of it makes his heart hurt.

Oh God, does he know? the thought suddenly sneaks up on him, causing his hands to sweat and his heart to race in panic. But we’ve been so careful, how could he possibly know? I’m freaking out over nothing, he doesn’t know, this has to be about something else. What if… what if something’s wrong with him? The thought sends a spike of fear through Jared as he stares wide eyed at his grandpa, hoping fiercely there is nothing wrong with him.

“I… I need to talk to you a minute Jare, please have a seat,” he says as he gestures to the kitchen table.

“Is something wrong?” Jared asks, voice small, as he sits down and eyes his grandpa warily. “Are you upset with me? Are you okay?”

His grandpa takes a seat at the table as well and shakes his head. “No, of course not Jared. There is nothing wrong and never have I ever been upset with you. And you don’t have to worry about me, I’m quite okay. I just… I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, anything,” he stresses this, eyes warm and welcoming as he reaches out to squeeze Jared’s hand. “I love you Jared, and would never judge you. I hope you know that.”

“Grandpa… where… where are you going with this?” Jared asks, voice rough with nerves and slight fear, reassured that his grandpa is okay but still worried about why they are having this conversation in the first place.

“Is there anything you want to tell me kiddo?” he asks kindly, looking at Jared like he knows something and just wants Jared to admit it.

Jared’s eyes widen further, heart nearly stopping in his chest when he realizes what they are talking about. He had a feeling but he had hoped he was wrong. “Are… oh God, you know, don’t you?” He tries to keep any and all fear out of his voice but he knows he fails; he feels like he is going to have a panic attack.

“About you and Jensen?” Grandpa Ray clarifies with a small smile on his face. “Yeah I know, I’ve known for some time now. I just never said anything ‘cause I figured you would tell me when you were ready.”

Jared can’t believe what he is hearing, he just can’t. He knew there was a chance they would be caught, knew they couldn’t hide their relationship forever, but now that they have made it to August without being found out… he just figured they were home free. But his grandpa is telling him that he has known for a while and Jared doesn’t know exactly what to do with this information. What is even more mind boggling is that Grandpa Ray doesn’t seem upset at all, that he is in fact smiling at him.

He wasn’t quite sure how his family would react to the news of him being homosexual, didn’t know if they would support his life choices, but the one he worried the most about telling was Grandpa Ray. He means the world to Jared and he knows his grandpa is kind of old fashioned, so Jared feared he would have a problem with him liking guys instead of girls. Maybe I was wrong, he thinks with the makings of relief flowing through him. Maybe he won’t be disappointed in me.

“But I didn’t want you to leave here without knowing that I support you,” his grandpa continues when Jared fails to say anything. “I just want you to be happy Jared, and if Jensen makes you happy than I am happy for you. Jensen is a fine young man and I know he will take good care of you; that is all I could ask for.”

“How… how did you know?” Jared asks, voice breaking with relief and love, wanting to wrap his arms around his grandpa and never let go. He didn’t realize until this very moment how much he wanted, needed approval from his family, especially his grandfather, and it is nearly overwhelming him.

“I may be old but I’m not blind,” Grandpa Ray laughs heartily, a laugh Jared knows will be stuck in his memory forever. “I can see that you’re in love with that boy and the same can be said for him; even in all my years I’ve never seen someone light up like he does the moment he sees you.”

Jared can’t help but smile at these words, happiness washing over him in waves as he jumps up from his chair and wraps his arms around his grandpa, embracing him tightly. “Thank you grandpa, you don’t know how much it means to me to know you’re alright with this.”

“I think I have a pretty good idea,” he says quietly as he hugs Jared back. “Now, you go get that boyfriend of yours and let him know supper is ready.”

Jared nods a little dazedly, still reeling from what just occurred, and he turns to leave the dining room. He finds Jensen sitting in the living room where he left him, leg bouncing restlessly, the only sign that he was worrying this whole time. Jared sympathizes; he was having his own panic attack in the kitchen moments ago.

Jensen turns his head to him the moment Jared takes a seat next to him and his eyes nearly bulge out of his sockets when Jared takes a hold of his hand. He tries to pry his hand out of Jared’s tight grip but Jared refuses to let go, simply smiling secretively and waiting for Jensen to stop struggling.

“What are you doing?” Jensen hisses, tossing a glance at the dining room entrance before narrowing his eyes at Jared. “Ray could walk in any minute.”

“He already knows,” Jared says patiently, watching in amusement as Jensen stops struggling and looks at him with shock written all over his face.

“What?” Jensen’s voice comes out a little high and squeaky, and Jared nearly breaks down into laughter the second he hears it.

“That’s what he wanted to talk to me about,” he explains to his shocked boyfriend, snickering softly, unable to stop it. “He says he’s known for a while but was just waiting for me to tell him… and the best part is he’s okay with us being together, is happy for us in fact.”

All Jensen can seem to do is sit in silence for a moment, unaware that he is still holding Jared’s hand, a little tighter than before. Jared gives him this moment to let the information sink in, to let the gravity of the situation settle over him, waits to see happiness reciprocated on Jensen’s face.

“Really?” Jensen asks softly a long moment later, hope clear in his voice.

“Yeah, really,” Jared whispers as he wraps a hand around the back of Jensen’s neck and draws him forward until their foreheads are resting against each other. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”

Jensen laughs softly at this and nods his head slightly but he doesn’t say anything. They just sit there together, clutching at each other, letting relief and joy wash over them. Jared tells him that he wants to tell his parents about them soon and Jensen makes no objections, just letting Jared know he supports his decision, and Jared feels like everything is falling into place.

Previous ll Index ll Next

Maude Adams Lane: Part Five

2009-08-11T00:05:22Z

-~*~-
Part Five
-~*~-

July 19th, 1998

Jared opens his eyes with a low groan and looks up at Jensen through the darkness in confusion. One glance at the clock on his nightstand tells him it is two minutes past midnight and his sleepy mind tries to figure out why his boyfriend is waking him up in the middle of the night. His mind produces no answers.

He would question Jensen but he can’t seem to find his voice at the moment. Jensen’s beautiful green eyes seem to be a shade brighter for some reason and all Jared can do is stare, transfixed. Jensen smiles through the darkness and Jared is lost.

“Come on, get dressed and try to be quiet,” Jensen whispers as he pats Jared’s hip, prompting him to get out of bed. “Wouldn’t want Ray to wake up.”

“Where are we going?” Jared asks around a yawn as he tosses off the blankets that cover him and forces himself to sit up.

“It’s your birthday and your family will be showing up in the afternoon. I want some time alone with you and this is the only time we can do it.”

Even though he is tired Jared doesn’t dream of protesting. Jensen obviously has plans and Jared wants to find out what they are. Besides, Jared will take any time he can get to spend with his boyfriend, even if that means getting up at midnight. Yeah, he’s worth it, Jared thinks to himself with a half smile.

Pulling on a pair of jeans and a navy blue shirt that he took off before he went to bed, he toes on his sneakers and grabs his light weight jacket as Jensen takes him by the hand and leads him out of the room. They quietly make their way out of the house, careful not to wake Jared’s grandpa when they shut the front door behind them.

Jensen doesn’t release Jared’s hand as he leads him to the barn where Sidney and Lightning are already saddled and waiting for them. Jared takes note of the picnic basket sitting on a stool off to the right of the horses but doesn’t ask his boyfriend about it, he just smiles softly to himself.

“We’re going riding? Now? At midnight?” Jared isn’t exactly displeased; it is kind of romantic when he thinks about it. But he is very curious and is wondering what Jensen has up his sleeve.

“Yep,” Jensen says simply, smiling widely but not offering up an explanation.

Jared decides not to question his boyfriend any further, more than content to play along and see where this is headed. He pulls himself up onto Sidney’s back, Jensen doing the same with Lightning, the picnic basket draped from his left arm.

Slowly they guide the horses out of the barn, out into the bright glow of the full moon. The way the moon lights up the landscape makes it very easy to see, almost as clear as during the day, but there is something so beautiful and unearthly about it that Jared feels his breath catching in his throat.

Jared tosses a subtle glance at Jensen from the corner of his eyes, his chest swelling with affection at how the ethereal blue glow of the moon makes his boyfriend look even more gorgeous than usual. Jared can’t stop a joyful smile from spreading onto his face as he inconspicuously watches Jensen.

The last thing he expected on his birthday was to go horseback riding at midnight but he sure isn’t about to complain. He never knew Jensen was such a romantic and it is a pleasant surprise. I guess he’s just full of surprises, Jared thinks to himself with a barely contained smile. This is turning out to be a birthday he will never forget, one he will look back on fondly. Your eighteenth birthday is already a special one, but Jensen is undoubtedly doing his best to make it unforgettable. Jared smiles again at the mere thought.

“This is really nice,” Jared breaks the near silence of the night in a soft tone of voice. “You just continue to amaze me more and more.”

Jensen looks over at him with a slight tilt of his head, a warm smile on his face and a playful expression shining through his eyes. “I take it that’s a good thing, right?”

“Trust me, that’s a very good thing,” Jared replies softly, eyes sparkling with happiness.

They engage in idle conversation as they ride side by side, simply enjoying one another’s company. Jared feels so relaxed, so content. He had been close to exhausted when he crawled into bed but now he feels that he would gladly stay up all night, so long as this moment doesn’t come to an end.

:0Ж0:

Another twenty minutes or so passes by before they reach the field they went to on the day they met, their field, and Jensen dismounts Lightning. Jared watches as Jensen lays a blanket down on the ground before he too, dismounts. He doesn’t say anything as he lowers himself down onto the blanket, his smile says it all for him anyway.

Jensen places the picnic basket down on the blanket as he takes his seat next to Jared but he doesn’t attempt to open it just yet. Jared is curious about what Jensen has brought for them, wondering if his boyfriend has baked anything. He still hasn’t been able to talk Jensen into baking cookies or cupcakes or anything but he hasn’t given up yet.

A slight breeze picks up, making Jared grateful for the lightweight jacket he put on before they left, but all in all it is a nice night. Being here with Jensen is what makes it worthwhile though, seeing the moon caress his face with pale light and how he looks so serene. Jared has never seen his boyfriend look so relaxed before, so happy.

Jared still can’t believe all that has happened this summer, could never have suspected he would meet this amazing guy and fall so quickly in love with him. Jared has never been in love before but he is positive that it is love he feels for Jensen; he has never felt this strongly for another person for it to be anything other than love. By the way Jensen looks at him at times it is pretty safe to say that Jensen loves him too, and the mere thought sends ripples of happiness through Jared.

He can’t help but dread what September will bring though, and as hard as he tries not think about it, it is constantly plaguing his mind. He doesn’t know exactly what will happen to them when Jensen heads off to college and it scares him. Jared will be going back to San Antonio to finish his last year of high school and Jensen will be in California. Jared knows how easily distance can break a relationship and he sincerely hopes that this isn’t the case for them.

They haven’t talked about what will happen to them when September arrives, and part of Jared doesn’t even want to have that conversation, but he knows it will drive him crazy until they do. Jared knows this isn’t just a summer fling for him, and he doesn’t think it is for Jensen either, but Jensen hasn’t said anything so Jared can’t be sure. I hope our relationship doesn’t end when the summer does, Jared thinks to himself as he worries his bottom lip.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be happy right now, why do you look so worried?” Jensen asks softly, nudging Jared’s shoulder with his arm.

“I’m just thinking about September,” Jared replies just as softly, letting out an inaudible sigh.

“You shouldn’t worry about that for the minute, let’s just enjoy the here and now,” Jensen says with a persuasive smile, and what he’s proposing sounds so good to Jared that he wants to just let the subject go and enjoy each moment as they happen… but he can’t.

“I’ve tried not to think about it but I just can’t ignore it anymore,” Jared says with frustration coloring his voice. “I need to know that I’m not going to lose you when you head off to college. This isn’t just a fling to me, but we haven’t talked about it at all and I…”

“You think this is just a fling to me?” Jensen asks, not unkindly, and he doesn’t necessarily sound hurt, just curious.

“That’s the point, I don’t know how you feel about this, about me,” Jared says quietly, looking to his boyfriend for reassurance.

“Jared,” Jensen says his name softly, a warm smile on his lips. “This isn’t just a fling for me either. I really care about you, and what we have doesn’t have to end just because I’m going to college. I will have a phone, we can call each other whenever we want. We can send letters back and forth too. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, ‘cause I’m sure it will be, but we can make this work if we really want it to.”

“I love you,” Jared says without thinking, his mouth working before his brain can catch up with its plans. His eyes widen the second the words are out in the open and suddenly his chest feels tight, worried that he just screwed everything up with his admission.

Jensen just stares at him in surprise for a long moment, seemingly unable to speak. Jared’s anxiety continues to build with each second of silence that passes between them; he is beginning to think he made a mistake and is considering mounting Sidney and getting as far away from here as he possibly can.

Just as he is about to climb to his feet however, he feels Jensen’s hand covering his own and when he looks up he finds warm eyes watching him intently. “You really mean that?” Jensen asks softly, moving a little closer to Jared on the blanket.

“Yes.” Jared responds a bit hesitantly but keeps his eyes locked with Jensen’s, allowing hope to shine through.

“I’m glad you said something ‘cause I was a little afraid to be the first to say it,” Jensen says with a blush on his cheeks. “I was worried it might be too soon and I didn’t want to scare you away.”

“You love me too?” Jared questions, like he can’t quite believe it could be true, his chest swelling with emotion.

“Very much,” Jensen whispers as he grabs the back of Jared’s neck and draws him into a kiss that Jared gives himself over to completely.

:0Ж0:

“So… you ever gonna show me what you have in that basket?” Jared asks from where he contentedly lies with his head resting on Jensen’s chest, staring up at the stars.

He can’t be sure how long they have been lying here, tangled in each other’s arms, and he has no way of knowing what time it is. He has been content to just lie here though, sharing the silence with Jensen. This is not typical for Jared; long moments of silence normally make him uncomfortable and fidgety. He is a very talkative person who can’t go for too long without speaking. For some reason though, up until now, he felt no need for conversation. Simply lying in Jensen’s arms has been enough for him.

He has become increasingly curious about that picnic basket sitting just within his peripheral vision though, and can no longer contain his curiosity. Beneath his hand Jensen’s chest rumbles slightly with a chuckle and Jared closes his eyes when he feels his boyfriend run his fingers through his shaggy hair.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to ask me that,” Jensen says, still chuckling softly. “You managed to last longer than I expected you to.”

“Nice to know you have so much faith in me,” Jared responds sarcastically as he forces himself to sit up. “Now show me what’s in it.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that patience is a virtue?” Jensen asks dryly, rolling his eyes as he sits up as well.

“I have been patient long enough, you can’t ask any more of me than that,” Jared replies cheekily.

Jensen doesn’t bother to give a sarcastic comment in response, though Jared doesn’t doubt one is on the tip of his tongue. Instead he turns to the picnic basket and opens it. Jared watches inquisitively as Jensen pulls out two Dixie cups and a couple of paper plates. He places them on the blanket, a paper plate in front of both of them, but he hands Jared the Dixie cup to hold.

Jared’s eyes widen in pleasant surprise when Jensen pulls out a bottle of strawberry wine and holds it up with a satisfied expression in his eyes. All Jared can do is look back in wonder, curious as to how Jensen got the wine. He is only eighteen so there is no way he could have bought it himself.

“I bribed Chris into buying it for me,” Jensen explains, answering Jared’s unspoken question with a sheepish smile.

“And what do you have to do for him in return?” Jared asks as he watches Jensen pour the wine into both of their cups.

“You don’t want to know,” Jensen says with a grimace, avoiding eye contact with Jared.

“Meaning you don’t want me to know,” Jared clarifies with a laugh, enjoying the way Jensen’s cheeks turn an appealing shade of red. Jared believes he has gotten to know Chris fairly well in the short time they have been friends, so he can guess what the man wants from Jensen. “You don’t have to sing with them at their next show, do you?”

Jensen’s cheeks turn even redder as he releases a cough, uncomfortable with the topic, and turns to the picnic basket once more. Jared laughs gleefully, wondering if he can get the information on their next gig out of Chris so he can make sure he’s there. He has wanted to hear Jensen sing ever since he found out that he could, but so far his boyfriend has refused, too shy and embarrassed.

Jared pulls himself out of his thoughts when Jensen takes a container out of the basket and peels off the lid, revealing two fudge brownies. Jared’s eyes grow large as he stares at the delicious treats, his mouth watering from the smell alone. Jensen places one of the brownies on Jared’s plate before placing the other one on his own and tosses the container back into the basket.

“You’re kidding me, right?” The look on Jared’s face is one of disbelief but he almost laughs at the befuddled expression on his boyfriend’s face. “One brownie? That won’t be enough to satisfy my craving! I thought you would’ve known me better than that by now. Especially since you claim to love me.”

Jensen rolls his eyes at Jared’s teasing and waves his hand dismissively. “There’s more back at the house in the kitchen, you can have as many as you want later.”

Jared absorbs this information as he bites into his brownie and closes his eyes, savoring the taste. The brownie isn’t exactly warm but it isn’t cold either. It is by far one of the most moist brownies he has ever eaten, the taste exploding on his tongue and taking over his senses.

“Please tell me you made this because I want you to bake them all the time from now on,” Jared says with a moan of pleasure once he swallows.

Jensen blushes and ducks his head, muttering a whispered “Thank you,” in response. Jared smiles and knows better than to tease his boyfriend. Jensen isn’t too confident in his ability to bake and he doesn’t take compliments very well, gets all shy and embarrassed. Now that Jared has tasted his brownies though, he can’t imagine how Jensen doesn’t get compliments left and right.

Jared finishes the rest of his brownie in three bites and then washes it down with some of his wine, the taste exploding on his taste buds. He smacks his lips, Jensen watching on in amusement. He must admit that this is some damn good wine. Not that he has tried a lot of wine before of course, but this one certainly agrees with his taste buds. I’ll have to thank Chris the next time I see him, he decides with a mental nod of his head.

“I didn’t have a whole lot of money, so I couldn’t get you an awesome birthday gift,” Jensen says as he hands Jared a couple of notebooks, the kind with hard covers and special designs. “I know you want to become a writer, so maybe you’ll write your first best selling novel in those.”

“Jen… these are awesome, thank you,” Jared whispers as he looks over each cover, deciding he likes the stone looking one the best.

“It isn’t much, I know, but hopefully they are good enough for now until I have the money to get something better.”

“Jensen, don’t do that, these are great. The meaning behind them makes them better than just ordinary notebooks. It really means a lot that you support me like this. Everyone else acts like it’s just a phase for me, like I’ll wake up one day and realize it’s unrealistic to wanna be a writer, but not you. You’re being supportive and that… that just makes me love you more,” Jared couldn’t be more sincere when he says this, it really does mean the world to him to have Jensen standing beside him like he is.

Jensen just smiles softly and rests his hand on top of Jared’s, squeezing briefly. From there they finish their wine, talking quietly and teasingly ribbing each other, happily enjoying their time together.

:0Ж0:

They stay in the field a little bit longer, lying on their backs and gazing up at the star filled sky. When it starts to get a bit chilly they decide to head back to the ranch. They ride back in silence and take the horses back to their stalls, stripping them of their saddles.

Jensen starts to head back to the house but Jared has other plans as he climbs the ladder to the loft with a blanket tossed over his right shoulder, calling out for Jensen to follow him. Jensen does without a word, though Jared can see the confusion and curiosity on his face.

Jared lays down the blanket, his nerves starting to kick in, and sits down as Jensen steps onto the floor of the loft. Jared smiles a little nervous smile as he pats the blanket, motioning for Jensen to join him. Jensen takes a seat next to Jared and takes his hand in his own, caressing the skin with his thumb.

“Don’t you want to get some sleep before Ray wakes up?” Jensen asks softly, watching Jared intently like he knows what is on his mind but is waiting for Jared to say the words. “I know you’re probably gonna have a pretty busy day, you might be grateful for the rest.”

“No, I’m not ready to go back to the house yet,” Jared replies as he takes a deep breath and grabs the hem of his shirt with shaky hands, pulling it over his head and tossing it behind him.

“Are you sure about this?” Jensen asks in a low voice, his eyes watching Jared’s every move.

Jared nods his head in affirmation. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while,” he says as he pulls a condom and some lube out of his jeans pocket. “I want you to be my first Jen, need to have you inside me.”

“Okay, okay, shh, I’ll take care of you,” Jensen whispers soothingly as he lowers Jared to his back and covers his body with his own, taking possession of his lips.

Jared eagerly opens his mouth to Jensen, feeling comfortable and familiar with this. He learned quickly that kissing is one of his favorite things to do; he could kiss all day and be quite happy with just doing that. They are going further than that this time though, they aren’t just making out now, and he tries to will his heart to stop racing at the mere thought of it.

Their languid and sensual kisses put him at ease, and he is feeling most compliant when Jensen divests him of the rest of his clothing. He feels a red hot blush setting his cheeks aflame when Jensen’s eyes hungrily roam over his naked form. The urge to cover his body is strong but he forces himself to relax, take a deep breath, and let Jensen’s eyes drink in their fill.

Jensen’s guitar-calloused fingers run down Jared’s body, searching for all his hot spots. Jared’s breath hitches in his throat when Jensen’s fingers graze his nipple, but a ragged moan escapes him when Jensen wraps his lips around it, alternately licking and sucking the erect nub. He lavishes the other one with equal attention before moving on and sucking a bruise into the skin below his ribs, leaving Jared writhing beneath him wantonly.

By the time Jensen is finished with his exploration Jared is strung out on pleasure and panting uncontrollably, his dick a deep purple and weeping at the slit. Jensen quickly undresses, giving Jared an eyeful of miles and miles of flawless freckled skin just begging to be marked. He’s beautiful, he thinks to himself in amazement and reaches out to thumb Jensen’s nipple as his boyfriend grabs the supplies Jared has had stashed on him for the past week or so.

Jared releases a little grunt when Jensen’s slick finger slowly breaches him; it is a little uncomfortable and feels odd but it doesn’t hurt at all. Jensen takes his time prepping him, his fingers giving Jared sensations he never could have imagined. Each time his fingers touch that little bundle of nerves Jared jerks involuntarily and moans his pleasure, encouraging Jensen to do it time and time again.

He groans in disappointment and protest when Jensen’s magical fingers disappear but his heart jumps into his throat the moment he feels something larger at his entrance. His long forgotten nerves come back with a vengeance but Jensen whispers reassurance into his skin, tenderly kissing his neck, and Jared forces himself to relax. Jensen stares into his eyes for a moment, silently asking if he is okay, and he smiles reassuringly when Jared nods his head.

His breath gets caught in his throat when Jensen enters him; the stretch burns and it hurts in a way he has never experienced before but he finds that it isn’t altogether unpleasant. Jensen is being extremely gentle with him, careful not to hurt him in any way if he can help it, and Jared appreciates the sentiment more than he could possibly express.

He is a bit surprised by how close he feels to Jensen right now. Not in the physical sense but in the emotional. They are connected in all possible ways and it is a little overwhelming to him. An intense feeling of love and joy consumes him, body and soul, as he looks up into Jensen’s eyes with trust shining through his own. Jensen smiles softly, reassuringly, as he moves deeper within Jared, slowly and gently, until he is completely sheathed within him.

Jared has never felt so full before but it is a good feeling, one he wouldn’t mind experiencing more often. He has never felt so close to another person and he feels a little drunk on all the sensations coursing through his body and soul. He has always heard about how intimate this act is, but even in his wildest dreams he could never imagine the actuality of it. He has given a part of himself to Jensen that no other can touch and right now, looking up into bright green eyes, he knows he made the right choice. He knows his heart is safe with Jensen and he is glad he gave his body to him as well, gave him the most precious gift he has to give.

He keeps his eyes open when he gives Jensen the go ahead to move and gasps when Jensen finally does. It still hurts a little, burns and stings in a way that leaves him wincing, but not enough to make Jared want to stop. It feels incredible; he can feel every inch of Jensen inside him, and vaguely he wonders how it would feel without the condom separating them.

Jensen smiles down at him as he thrusts into him at a leisurely pace, watching Jared’s face intently for any signs of pain or discomfort. Jensen is being so gentle with him, making him feel loved in every way and damn near worshiped. His care and tender touch is making this experience easier on Jared, helping him to relax and give himself over to his boyfriend with complete trust.

Jared cups the back of Jensen’s neck and pulls until their lips meet, his tongue sliding deep into Jensen’s mouth as a soft moan is pulled from within his chest. They trade lazy, wet kisses as Jared tightens his legs around his boyfriend’s waist and rocks his body to meet Jensen thrust for thrust. His hands roam over Jensen’s back and chest, tracing rippling muscles and pectorals.

“Oh dear God!” Jared practically screams, voice breaking off in a long, drawn out moan when Jensen changes his angle and hits that spot hidden within Jared that sets him aflame. His whole body feels like it has been electrified, spasms of pleasure wreaking havoc on his senses.

Jensen grins in satisfaction as he starts to thrust his hips in earnest, making sure to hit that wondrous spot each time, and Jared voices his pleasure into the stillness of the barn. The panting of their breath sounds magnified in the still barn and seems to surround them, sounding almost melodious to Jared’s ears.

Jensen buries his face into the side of Jared’s neck, sucking and pressing kisses into the skin beneath his lips as low moans reach Jared’s ears. He grasps onto Jensen’s biceps as he cants his hips and pushes back into his boyfriend’s thrusts, trembling with sweet, blissful pleasure as uncontrollable moans and gasps tumble from his lips.

Jared groans his appreciation when Jensen reaches between them and takes his erection in his hand, stroking in time with his thrusts, bringing Jared closer and closer to his release. He can feel it building and coiling in the pit of his stomach, pleasantly strumming through his veins, promising sweet oblivion.

Part of Jared wants to reach that edge, to tumble over it, but another part of him doesn’t want this moment to come to a close. He couldn’t bear to lose this connection with Jensen but he knows it can’t last forever. Just a little bit longer, he tells himself as he tries to control the oncoming explosion, tries his damnedest to push it away even though his whole body is shaking at the strain.

Jensen is quickly losing the steady pace he had set, his thrusts jerkier and erratic, his own release approaching fast. He doesn’t seem to be restraining himself or holding back in any way so Jared figures he shouldn’t either. He hates to see it end so soon, wants his first time to last just a little bit longer, but the need to come is too demanding.

“I can’t hold on much longer Jay…” Jensen breathes out raggedly, his voice completely wrecked.

Jared jerks and moans when his prostate is stimulated once more, drawing him even closer to the proverbial edge, so close now his body sings with it. “So close Jen… I can’t… harder, gonna…” Jared can’t form complete sentences, words coming out broken, and he just hopes he is being coherent enough.

Jensen leans down, lips grazing the shell of Jared’s ear as he whispers, “Come for me Jay… wanna feel you.”

One thrust to his prostate and a hand on his dick, thumb running along the slit, has Jared crying out as his orgasm rushes through him like an explosion. It is so strong and powerful that his vision nearly whites out as he writhes beneath Jensen, body being reduced to trembles and shivers as he basks in the afterglow of his release.

Jared lies blissful and boneless beneath his boyfriend as Jensen thrusts deeply two more times before stilling when his orgasm hits him, crying out softly against the skin of Jared’s neck where he has his face buried. Unable to hold himself up any longer Jensen collapses on top of Jared, panting breathlessly, and Jared moves his sluggish arms to wrap them around Jensen’s trembling form.

They lie there, just like that, for a few moments trying to catch their breath before Jared gently pushes at Jensen’s shoulders. “You’re getting heavy,” he grunts out, laughing softly at the indignant look Jensen shoots him.

Jared can’t stop the wince that crosses his face when Jensen pulls out and he is overwhelmed at the sensation of loss when he loses that connection, feeling inexplicably empty. Jensen throws his body down beside Jared, breathing still irregular, and the smile on his lips has Jared’s heart fluttering in his chest. Jensen just looks so blissful, so completely fucked out that it’s beautiful, and by the warmth in Jensen’s eyes when he looks at him Jared suspects he is in a similar state.

“Wow…” Jared whispers once he regains the ability to form a coherent sentence, breathing slowly returning to normal. “I’d always heard it was really good but I never could’ve imagined how mind blowing it is.”

“It can be really good when you know what you’re doing,” Jensen replies with a little smile pulling at his lips as he rolls over onto his side and begins tracing patterns into the skin of Jared’s chest.

“You were amazing,” Jared says, not wanting Jensen to make light of the situation, needing him to know just how much this meant to him. “Thanks… for making my first time so memorable I mean. I had been so worried it was going to hurt, but the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be… I’m guessing you have something to do with that.”

Jensen blushes and ducks his head, hiding his eyes away from Jared. “Well… everyone’s first time should be special… memorable, as you put it. I didn’t want this to be a bad experience for you… didn’t want you to regret it or consider your first time to be terrible, like so many people’s usually are.”

Jared takes Jensen’s chin in his hand, making him look up. “It was amazing Jen,” he says sincerely. “I’m really glad you were my first, I wouldn’t have wanted my first time to be with anyone else. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jensen whispers before claiming Jared’s lips in a soft kiss. “You’re not too sore are you?”

Jared winces a little as he moves experimentally. “I’ll live.”

Jensen just smirks and lays his head on Jared’s shoulder, still tracing random patterns into Jared’s skin. Jared is more than content to lie here with his boyfriend in his arms, turning his head and inhaling the conditioner Jensen used in his shower this morning. He silently commits the scent to memory as he tightens his arms around his boyfriend and closes his eyes, not planning to sleep, just resting his eyes.

“Oh, and just so you know…” Jared whispers into the silence between them with a mischievous smile on his face. “Even though I don’t mind being a little sore, I’m topping next time.”

Jensen’s soft laughter breaks the stillness of the barn and Jared can’t stop himself from smiling wide and a bit giddily.

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Maude Adams Lane: Part Four

2009-08-11T00:03:56Z

-~*~-
Part Four
-~*~-

July 12th, 1998

Jared sits at the kitchen table, bleary eyed from sleep, and watches his grandpa as he grabs his keys and heads to the front door. Grandpa Ray is headed into town to see a friend, and as he walks out the door he tells Jared that Jensen is still asleep and asks if Jared could please wake him up.

His grandpa leaves without waiting for a response, confident in the fact that Jared won’t mind. Jared simply pushes away from the kitchen table and sluggishly climbs the stairs. He can’t suppress a yawn as he reaches the second floor of the house, willing himself to wake up but having some difficulty. He dresses as quickly as he can manage in his lethargic state and then slowly heads back downstairs to wake his sleeping boyfriend.

Jensen’s bedroom door is slightly ajar so all Jared has to do is give it a little push and it opens the rest of the way. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed, a small smile on his face as he looks at his boyfriend. Jensen is sprawled out on his back, one leg lying straight while the other is bent at the knee. The blanket and sheet have been tossed aside some time during the night, exposing his navy blue boxer briefs and white wife beater.

Jared is fondly amused at the way Jensen’s jaw is slack in sleep, a soft snore emitting from him. If Jared had a camera on him he would be snapping a photo and relentlessly torturing Jensen with it. Guess he got lucky this time, Jared thinks in amusement.

“Jen,” Jared draws out his name quietly, running his fingers through Jensen’s sleep disheveled hair in an attempt to wake him. “Time to wake up babe.”

Jensen lets out a soft groan as green eyes open to stare up into hazel. “Morning already?” His voice is rough with sleep, causing a shiver to run down Jared’s spine.

“Time to rise and shine,” Jared confirms as he leans down to capture Jensen’s lips in a soft kiss.

A soft moan escapes Jensen’s lips, giving Jared the chance to slip his tongue inside the warm cavern of his mouth, unconcerned about Jensen’s morning breath. Jensen responds eagerly, if not a bit sleepily, their tongues sliding languidly together. This is the first time they have had a mattress beneath them and Jared can’t stop himself from climbing on top of Jensen, their bodies fitting together as though they were always meant to.

Even though he just woke up and isn’t entirely awake yet, Jared can feel Jensen hardening beneath him and the feel of it is making him even more excited. Jared is almost painfully aroused already and can’t stop himself from rocking against Jensen, bringing their clothed erections together with some sweet friction that Jared has been wanting for an embarrassingly long amount of time.

Jensen jerks and moans beneath him but to Jared’s disappointment he pulls out of the kiss and stills Jared’s hips with his strong, capable hands. “Jay, no, we can’t do this,” he says, his voice a bit ragged. “Ray-”

“Is not here,” Jared quickly interjects, stopping Jensen’s protests in their tracks. “He won’t be home for a while so we do have time. Come on Jen, please don’t deny me, I need you.”

Jared thrusts his hips to make his point, and once he has started he can’t stop. Jensen doesn’t attempt to stop him this time, he just draws Jared’s lips back to his and arches his hips up into Jared’s next downward thrust.

Jared sets a steady rhythm as his lips leave Jensen’s mouth and descend to his neck, licking and sucking a bruise into the junction between neck and shoulder. Jensen matches the pace of his thrusts, grasping at Jared’s hips and rubbing their groins together firmly. The pleasure is exquisite but not nearly enough for either of them to get off.

Jared locks eyes with Jensen as his hand snakes between them and delves inside Jensen’s boxer briefs, wrapping his fingers around his throbbing erection. Jensen’s breath stutters in his throat as his intense eyes watch Jared. For a moment Jared simply holds him in his palm, learning the weight and feel of him, and then he slowly begins to stroke him.

Jensen releases an encouraging moan when the pad of Jared’s thumb traces the crown of his erection, running across the slit. Jared is mesmerized by the sight of Jensen thrusting up into his hand. The image Jensen paints is debauched, panting raggedly and moaning when Jared does something he particularly likes.

“Faster Jay… gonna come…” Jensen pants out, eyes squeezing shut at the pleasure racing through his body, right on the edge of his release.

Jared tightens his fist around Jensen’s dick and does as his boyfriend asks, picking up the pace a little. Jensen lets out a soft moan of appreciation as he thrusts up into Jared’s fist with abandon. Suddenly he grabs the back of Jared’s neck and pulls him in for a passionate kiss just as he spills inside his underwear and over Jared’s fist. Jared is a little disappointed that he didn’t get to hear Jensen when he came between them, but feeling it, and knowing he did that to Jensen, is more than enough for now.

Jensen lies boneless and panting as he enjoys his post orgasmic haze and tries to get his equilibrium back. Jared feels pretty proud of himself, being able to render his boyfriend into a quivering mess.

“I think… you just… killed me,” Jensen says around pants of breath, smiling deliriously as Jared chuckles and blushes at the compliment.

“Guess I’m pretty good with my hands, huh?” Jared blushes again as the words leave his lips, still quite uncomfortable talking about such things. I’m such a virgin, he tells himself with a mental eye roll.

“Love your hands,” Jensen mumbles with a dazed smile playing on his lips.

“Have you…” Jared stops before he can finish his question, quite sure now is not the time to ask such a thing.

“What?” Jensen asks, curiosity written all over his face.

“I was just wondering… how experienced are you?” Jared asks quietly, inwardly wishing he hadn’t brought it up.

Jensen looks at him for a moment, a calculating look on his face. “I’m not a virgin, but it’s not like I’m all that experienced either.”

Jared just nods his head, reassured that Jensen knows what he is doing but also glad to know that he isn’t much more experienced than Jared is. Jared is a virgin, so anyone would be more experienced than him, but it is kind of nice to know that they have things they can explore and learn together.

“How about I give you hand there,” Jensen breaks through Jared’s thoughts when he pushes him onto his back and goes straight for the button of his jeans.

Jared’s painfully insistent erection brings itself to the forefront of his mind once more now that Jensen has reminded him of his need and Jared finds himself aching for release. Jensen smiles devilishly as he slides the zipper down and pulls Jared’s dick out of his pants.

Right now Jared is dying for something to happen; Jensen can do anything he pleases just so long as Jared comes. Jensen thankfully gets straight down to business, licking a long stripe up the length of Jared’s dick before swallowing him down, and what he can’t fit into his mouth he wraps his hand around.

The wet warmth of Jensen’s mouth has a moan working its way out of Jared and when Jensen applies a bit of suction Jared clenches at the sheets beneath him with his fists. Jensen slowly begins to bob his head as he sucks a little harder, quickening his pace when Jared begs him to.

Jared’s hand finds its way into Jensen’s hair, fingers clenching at the strands but trying not to pull. He was already hard as a rock when Jensen took him into his mouth and he knows he isn’t going to last very long at this rate. This is Jared’s first blow job, and he wants it to last longer than he knows it actually will, but his restraint is already spread too thin.

The things Jensen is doing with his mouth, lips and hands are incredible, and Jared is a little awed by the whole thing. He can’t believe this is actually happening and part of him never wants it to end, while another part aches for sweet release.

Jensen does this thing with his tongue that has Jared going wild and when a hand comes in to play, fondling his balls, Jared can’t hold on any longer. His orgasm washes through him like an explosion; he doesn’t even have the chance to warn his boyfriend before he floods his mouth. Jensen makes no complaints though, and he doesn’t gag at all, just swallows down all Jared has to offer.

Jared feels like he is in a state of euphoria as he lies on Jensen’s bed, panting for breath with a blissful smile from ear to ear. Jensen tucks Jared back into his jeans and fastens them before moving to lie beside him, tracing circular patterns into the shirt over Jared’s heart, watching him with a soft smile as Jared comes down from his temporary high.

“Oh God…” Jared breathes once he is able to form coherent words again. “Your mouth is made of awesome.”

Jensen blushes at the comment and ducks his head. “I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he whispers bashfully, the sound of his voice making Jared’s chest swell pleasantly.

Jared slides his fingers into the hair at the back of Jensen’s head and leans up to connect their lips, slipping his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth. Jensen moans softly, tilting his head to kiss him deeply and he wraps his hand around Jared’s neck, caressing the skin there. They share a few lazy kisses, basking in one other, and then Jared forces himself to break their embrace.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to brush your teeth,” he says teasingly, scrunching up his nose in feigned disgust and laughing when Jensen punches his arm.

:0Ж0:

Jared steps out onto the porch just in time to see a familiar beat up old Ford pickup pulling into the driveway, kicking up dust in its path. He moves to lean against one of the porch pillars as the truck comes to a stop in front of the stairs, engine rumbling and sputtering like it is going to die at any second. For the life of him Jared can’t figure out why Chris hasn’t junked the beat up vehicle; it seems to be on its last legs anyway. The poor guy is long overdue for a truck he can actually depend on.

He figures Chris holds onto the truck either because of money issues or some sentimental reason. He hasn’t asked Chris about it - mostly because he doesn’t want to offend him by inadvertently calling his truck a piece of crap - but he is getting more curious about it by the day. Jared has always been a naturally curious and nosy person.

Chris steps out of the truck, running a hand through his newly cut short hair before placing his trademark cowboy hat on his head and sending Jared a playful wink. Jared merely rolls his eyes at Chris’ antics, letting him know that Jensen is in the barn when he asks, and then he turns his attention to Sandy who has stepped onto the porch beside him. She gives him a soft smile as she lowers herself to sit on the stairs leading up to the porch, motioning for him to join her.

Jared sits down as Chris heads off to the barn, leaving them alone to visit. Jared is grateful for the time alone with his best friend; they haven’t spent nearly enough time together this summer and he is determined to change that. He may be anxious to spend as much time with Jensen as possible but he doesn’t want to push Sandy off to the side, he knows how much that would hurt her. Besides, he wants to spend some time with her as well before the summer ends and he has to go back to San Antonio.

“Everything seems to be going well for you and Chris,” Jared says to start a conversation, enjoying the smile that blossoms onto her face at the mention of her boyfriend.

“Things couldn’t be better between us actually. I really like him, more than I expected I would,” she admits with a soft blush on her cheeks. “I don’t usually let anyone get too close to me, but somehow it was really easy to let him in. Something tells me he wouldn’t hurt me, not intentionally, and I think what we have is the real thing. I’m falling for him.”

Part of Jared is surprised to hear this but at the same time not so much. She has never gotten close enough to someone to actually fall in love, usually the guy feels more deeply for her than she does for him. She has always been afraid of being hurt; seeing what her aunt has gone through in relationships has left Sandy wary, so it is surprising to hear that she has opened herself enough to actually care for someone so much.

But at the same time it’s not so surprising because Jared has seen the expression on her face every time she looks at Chris. He has witnessed the warmth in her eyes and the smile she seemingly can’t stop from climbing onto her face. It is obvious that she was falling in love and Jared couldn’t be happier for her.

“He’s good for you,” Jared says after a moment, turning to give Sandy a soft smile as he wraps his arm around her shoulders and tucks her into his side. “It’s really nice to see you so happy for once.”

“I am happy,” she says, with a touch of amazement in her voice before shaking her head slightly and turning to Jared, a sweet smile on her face. “Your relationship seems to be going very well too.”

“Yeah, things couldn’t be better,” he confirms with a soft, happy sigh.

Sandy looks at him critically for a moment, making him feel uncomfortable under the close scrutiny, and then a wide smile forms on her lips. “Ya know, love’s lookin’ good on you Padalecki,” she says with a sparkle in her eyes. “I’d say Jensen is definitely good for you.”

She laughs softly when Jared’s cheeks turn a deep shade of pink, but along with the embarrassment he can’t help feeling very joyful. He has felt different since Jensen entered his life, a little happier than normal, so it doesn’t surprise him to hear that it is written all over his face. He feels like he is practically vibrating with it. He has never felt like this before, and while it’s a little scary, it is also exciting.

Silence settles between them, comfortable and companionable, and Jared is content to just sit here with his best friend. Sandy seems less content however, when she tosses her hair behind her shoulder and rises to her feet, suggesting they go find out what their boyfriends are up to. Jared decides this is a good idea, standing quickly and following Sandy to the barn.

They find their boyfriends hanging out in the loft with a bottle of Coke in their hands and sharing laughter. Jensen’s eyes soften with warmth the moment he sees Jared, a small smile pulling at his lips as he motions Jared closer. With limited seating in the loft Jared sits down between Jensen’s spread legs, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend’s thigh, while Sandy opts to seat herself on Chris’ lap.

“You better be planning to visit whenever you get the chance son,” Chris drawls, continuing their conversation from where they were interrupted. “And I’m talking about every holiday if you can manage it.”

Jensen chuckles softly and gives a slight shake of his head. “Of course I’m going to visit Chris; I’m going to college, not dropping off the face of the earth.”

“Yeah well, just keep in mind that I’ll kick your ass if you don’t keep in touch,” Chris says nonchalantly as he takes a drink of his Coke.

Jensen looks down at Jared with a good natured roll of his eyes and Jared just smiles back a little strained. He hasn’t said anything but he is a little worried about Jensen going away to college and leaving him behind. He is a little worried about where that will leave them, where they go after the summer ends. He doesn’t know what Jensen wants, doesn’t know if he stands to lose Jensen when he leaves for California. Jared knows how hard long distance relationships are and he doesn’t know if they would be strong enough to survive it.

That is if he even wants to be with you when he heads off to college, an infuriating voice speaks up from the back of his mind.

There is no denying that Jared is a little worried about that as well. This is college after all, and can Jensen really get the full experience when he is tied to a relationship with someone miles upon miles away? And really, who doesn’t want to experience every aspect of college? Jared knows he would… just not enough to give up Jensen. I hope he feels the same way, he thinks while worrying his bottom lip.

He draws himself out of his distressing thoughts when Chris thrusts a bottle of Coke into his face. Jared smiles in thanks, doing his best to push all these thoughts into the back of his mind and enjoy the afternoon with his friends. There is still a lot of time between now and September, he doesn’t have to worry about these things right this second.

“So, I heard from a reliable source that it’s your birthday in a few days,” Chris says in that drawl of his, raising an eyebrow at Jared. “Got any plans?”

Jared tosses a look up at Jensen, seeing his boyfriend turn away with a smirk pulling at his lips, and he silently plots revenge against Jensen for this. It’s not that Jared didn’t want anyone to know his birthday was approaching per se - Sandy was bound to mention it to her boyfriend at some point - but this year Jared was kind of hoping for a laidback birthday party.

This was already unlikely seeing as how his family is driving into town, and they are bound to throw a big party for him, but now he has to wonder what his friends are going to do too. Silently he wonders if he can get them to agree to a laidback gathering but one look at the sparkle in Chris’ eyes and the slight smirk on his face tells Jared that he is basically screwed.

Maybe it won’t be so bad, he tries to tell himself, even though he really doesn’t want anyone to throw a big party for him. Besides, it’ll be nice to spend some time with friends, and having Jen there will make it that much better.

“I’m pretty sure my parents are going to throw a party the day of my birthday and they won’t be heading back from here until the following day,” Jared answers finally.

“Well I talked to everyone and we all want to celebrate with you in our own way, so I guess we’ll wait till that weekend for our plans,” Chris says with a contemplative look on his face. “Does that work for you?”

“Trust me Jay, you’ll have a good time,” Sandy says, already knowing he will require a bit of convincing. “It’ll only be your close friends there.”

“Yeah, we figured we’d meet up at Jason’s place so he’s left with clean-up duty,” Chris says with a smirk to which Sandy gives him a look of disapproval.

“Alright fine, sounds good.” Jared gives in the second he sees Jensen smiling at him softly, encouragingly. Jared dares anyone not to give in when you have Jensen looking at you that way.

:0Ж0:

July 15th, 1998

“Alright, what’s wrong with you?” Katie asks as she stops walking and puts her hands on her hips, giving him an expression that says he better not even try to lie or get out of telling her what is bothering him.

They have been walking around his grandpa’s land since she showed up thirty minutes ago and Jared’s been a silent companion at her side, too distracted by his thoughts to keep up his end of the conversation. She has been talking a mile a minute, barely stopping for a breath, and usually Jared can miraculously keep up with her but today his mind has been pre-occupied.

He had tried to focus on what she was talking about so she wouldn’t get suspicious and question him but his thoughts drew him away from her time and time again. Now he has a curious blonde on his hands and he knows there is nothing he can do to deflect this conversation, nothing will stop her from getting answers. She is persistent like that, and she won’t let the subject go no matter how badly Jared may want her to. He knows her well enough by now; she can be almost as bad as Sandy when it comes to getting answers out of him.

I guess I should just be glad Sandy isn’t interrogating me, he thinks with a wry smile.

“You’ve been distracted from the moment I got here. It wouldn’t surprise me if you haven’t even heard a word I’ve said,” she says with an accusing look on her face, glaring without any real heat, a touch of concern hiding behind her eyes that she’s trying not to show. “What’s going on with you Jare? You look like someone just kicked a puppy.”

“Look Katie, I know you’re just trying to help, but can we please not talk about this right now?” Jared asks with a heavy sigh as he hangs his head to stare at the ground.

Katie gives him a look that clearly states that she thinks he is stupid, and maybe he is because she isn’t known for letting things go, he knows this all too well. But still, this isn’t exactly something he wants to discuss with anyone, he would rather torture himself with it in silence. Not to mention that he usually goes to Sandy with all his problems. That’s not to say that he doesn’t consider Katie to be one of his best friends, it is just that he feels more comfortable talking to Sandy about his personal problems.

One long look at the blonde standing firmly in front of him lets him know for certain that she isn’t going to just walk away and let the subject go. Jared breathes a soft sigh, resigning himself to this conversation. He loosely grabs her arm, gesturing for her to walk with him as he takes a deep breath and contemplates how he should start.

“You’re just gonna agonize over whatever is bothering you and that’ll get you exactly nowhere,” she says when he fails to say a word. “You might as well talk to me about it, get it off your chest. You never know, you might feel a little better once you do.”

“It’s just that…” Jared sighs as he stops walking, running a hand through his hair, silently wondering if he is being stupid about the whole thing and worrying for nothing. “Jensen’s going to college in September.”

Katie just looks back at him, clearly not getting what the problem is. “And?” she asks with a confused expression on her features.

“He’s going away to college in California,” Jared elaborates, stressing the words. “I’ll be heading back to San Antone and he’ll be thousands of miles away. I just… I’m worried the distance will be too much, ya know? And what if he isn’t as serious about us as I am?”

“You think he’s gonna break up with you just because he’s going to college?” She asks with disbelief plain as day in her voice, looking at him like he is some kind of idiot. “Jay, he’s just going to college, that doesn’t mean your relationship will end.”

“Yeah, maybe, but what about the distance?” Jared points out, this being the main thing plaguing his mind. “Long distance relationships rarely work out.”

“You can make it work if he really means that much to you. People have gone to college while maintaining a long distance relationship before, it isn’t uncommon. It is tough, I’m sure, but if you love each other enough you can make it work.”

Jared considers her words carefully, letting himself relax a little as he finds reassurance in them, and he smiles at her gratefully. She just pats his arm, her way of saying you’re welcome.

“You know, if it’s bothering you this much, then maybe you should talk to him about how you’re feeling,” Katie suggests as they resume their walk. “You need to get everything figured out before you go insane with all the questions and worrying. I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you do.”

“Yeah you’re right, I’ll do that soon,” Jared responds quietly, deciding the best course of action would be to sit Jensen down and discuss this. He is still a little worried about this coming September but he feels a little more calm about the whole thing now that he has talked to Katie.

She’s actually pretty nice to talk to, he acknowledges with a warm smile on his face, glancing at the blonde in question from the corner of his eyes. Maybe I should talk to her more often.

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